I think I am almost actually there – at forgiveness. I don’t hate the man, my husband Green anymore. I notice that when he comes home I am happy to see him and when he pull me close at night I don’t want to pull away. I guess, well, I don’t think I ever hated him. I certainly hated the behavior and the hurt most definitely. I still feel deeply the pain when I remember that in he most clearly hated me. (He says he never hated me but hated himself… but I still find that hard to believe.)
In my anger management session recently I told them I was working toward forgiveness of Green eventually. That I had to forgive him because by living with anger and hate I was giving Green, Maria and their affair too much power over my life. In turn, Olga, one of the session participants asked why I thought I hadn’t done that yet. She meant, that in her opinion, that it looked to her like I had forgiven Green already by trying to remain positive about our future and saving our marriage. Oddly enough I didn’t see it myself. Enthusiastically most of the group acknowledged that they saw forgiveness where I didn’t. Was it or is it that I am holding on to the anger so that I won’t feel weak by accepting that I have forgiven Green? Do I find some kind of power in holding this ‘forgiveness’ prize over his head?
Forgiving Green was and is kind of easy. Flaws and all Green’s my husband, the father of my kids and my best friend. And truly I do love him. So I have no excuse to offer in my way of forgiving him except that I do love him and forgiving him comes easy. Does that make me weak, stupid or pathetic? Maybe to someone who doesn’t know what real love is. Or to someone who has never had to witness someone they love crack up when they thought the world was at an end so they chose self-destruction as a means to an end. I don’t know, all I know is that my marriage seems more at peace, sure there is anger at what he did… but I don’t know if I am angry at him anymore.