Tag Archives: redemption

Redefining DDay. Determined and Driven to Be Healthy.

26 Jun

So on June 23 – this week – was my 3 year anniversary of my DDay #2.  The day I found out that Green was still lying to me (living with him mother) about the fact that he had not ended his affair with his whore Maria.  On Saturday, June 23, 2012 the stupid psycho Maria-the-Whore came to my home at 5 am pounding on the door looking for Green.  (I have as of yet to post the entirety of that drama filled episode because honestly it’s f’g exhausting…) but I have alluded to it here.  I promise I will get around to detailing that episode… it’s just too good not to share.  Cry Mistress Cry!!

Anyway… so this year the day came and I was already dreading it.  It’s also the 90 day mark before my next birthday… when I turn 42.  Really right now things with Green are ok, not great, but ok.  On my good days I can focus less on the past and more on the day to day.  We are in some ways connected as much as we were before the affair.  With a new baby in the house we have more pressing distractions that his stupid affair and my beach drinktriggers around it.  So instead of his affair we talk about things like family outings with the kiddos.  Fixing up our fixer-upper home.  Planning a summer vacation because I deserve to sit my post pregnancy butt in the sand and drink a sweet drink on a beach somewhere!!

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Forgiveness & Heroes

20 Jan

Today is Martin Luther King, Jr Day.  As a community organizer its always been a special day to me.  MLK, Jr  a hero to people of color and to those of us who work in the area social justice and progressive politics.

martin-luther-king-jr-leader-we-must-develop-and-maintain-theBut MLK, Jr. was also allegedly an unfaithful husband.*  A flawed man who cheated on his wife.  Reports exist that Dr. King was tempted and like many before and after him gave in to the sin of lust no matter how hurtful that selfish act was to his wife, Coretta.  With my own experience with marital infidelity I think I have gained some insight and empathy to identify with how Mrs. King stoically endured it.  I, too, can look past the actions of my cheating spouse and see the whole person – and yes, still love the man who cheated on me.  Infidelity is a horrible act. Infidelity is selfish and cruel.  But forgiveness, with a repentant spouse/partner, is possible. Continue reading

Birthdays and Thanksgiving

28 Nov

Today is Ditto’s 6th birthday.  It’s also Thanksgiving Day.

She and Dot are the reason I will never regret marrying Green.

When she was born 6 years ago we were struggling to make our rent and working hard to meet our goals. Green was a 3rd year law student (if you were married when your spouse attended law school then you know what this insanity can be like) and she was born during his fall exams. I was all alone, except for the birth, because Green had exams and our families lived hundreds of miles away.

I had this little baby. This little girl with clear green eyes and cupids bow mouth. I had been blessed abundantly. I didn’t care that I was alone struggling to stay awake and still couldn’t figure out how to make my full breast produce any milk.  She was so warm, tiny, pink and perfect.  I was thankful for what I had.

We were so broke.  I was the only one working while he studied. We lived in a tiny apartment with our little dog (practice baby), Peppa, and we struggled to make ends meet in San Francisco.  We were the first of our friends to have any kids at all.  We had no one to help us and yet we were not afraid. Perhaps it was the fact we knew little to nothing about the perils of parenthood but it was something we embraced and laughed through.  Our babymoon with Ditto was a wonderfully scary and hopeful time.  Nothing would divide us, we thought at the time. Nothing.

And still I regret none of it.

I don’t regret marrying Green.

He is the father of my children and the best part of him is in them.  His eyes, their mischievous laugh, fierce intellect and sweet affection.

Looking back its true that these last two years of holidays have been so very hard. Full of anger, resentment, fear and loss.  I can’t live like this anymore.  Neither can Green.

Today Ditto woke up so excited to greet the 6th year of her life. It’s so full of hope. So full of joy.  Nothing scares her. She is secure knowing she is loved and her gratitude for simple inexpensive gifts make me proud.  Ditto reminds me of how I used to be… so full of gratitude, hope and joy.  I think I’m gonna try to steal some back from her today – siphon off a little of that childish innocent grace and inhale.

Today I will be grateful because Green placed clean towels in the bathroom without me asking.  He nudged me into doing the morning yoga for MY health and not his weight loss goals. I will breathe deep the scent of the coffee he made me and big breakfast he prepared.  Green is obviously trying to shower with me love because he knows this Thanksgiving is a trigger.  He should – this holiday season has been a trigger of pain and loss. Green is looking for redemption and I have the power to give it.

Well today I will try to push down those feelings and little this Thanksgiving trigger what it should – gratitude that I was blessed with the birth of my first child who is healthy, bright and sweet. I will be grateful I was granted a a full family and the resources to provide for them.  I will trigger the Thanksgiving I deserve – I deserve a Thanksgiving full of love and laughter.

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I wish you the same. I wish you a season of lessened pain where the grief can begin to fade. It’s not easy, mine is not gone… maybe never but I will try to be open to the many blessings I still have.   Happy Holidays.

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