Forgiveness & Heroes

Today is Martin Luther King, Jr Day.  As a community organizer its always been a special day to me.  MLK, Jr  a hero to people of color and to those of us who work in the area social justice and progressive politics.

But MLK, Jr. was also allegedly an unfaithful husband.*  A flawed man who cheated on his wife.  Reports exist that Dr. King was tempted and like many before and after him gave in to the sin of lust no matter how hurtful that selfish act was to his wife, Coretta.  With my own experience with marital infidelity I think I have gained some insight and empathy to identify with how Mrs. King stoically endured it.  I, too, can look past the actions of my cheating spouse and see the whole person – and yes, still love the man who cheated on me.  Infidelity is a horrible act. Infidelity is selfish and cruel.  But forgiveness, with a repentant spouse/partner, is possible.

Red Letter Day

So its been a while since I last blogged.  About 4 weeks ago I had a big change in taking on a new job which has me traveling and commuting… something I have not done too much in the last three years. It’s a good change though.  I needed to be nudged out of my home office into the real world again.  (More about that later.)

Yet besides the hustle and bustle of the holidays nothing much has changed in my marriage…  We are friendlier.  And yet we are in a holding pattern it seems.  It was over two years ago that Green started his affair and its been about 18 months ago that the affair fully ended.

• We still struggle with the issues that infidelity has wrought upon our family.
• Green still struggles with his own shame and ‘making it’ up to me.
• I still struggle with my fractured self esteem and in being intimate with him.
• Yet WE still persevere.

Birthdays and Thanksgiving

Today is Ditto’s 6th birthday.  It’s also Thanksgiving Day.

She and Dot are the reason I will never regret marrying Green.

When she was born 6 years ago we were struggling to make our rent and working hard to meet our goals. Green was a 3rd year law student (if you were married when your spouse attended law school then you know what this insanity can be like) and she was born during his fall exams. I was all alone, except for the birth, because Green had exams and our families lived hundreds of miles away.

I had this little baby. This little girl with clear green eyes and cupids bow mouth. I had been blessed abundantly. I didn’t care that I was alone struggling to stay awake and still couldn’t figure out how to make my full breast produce any milk.  She was so warm, tiny, pink and perfect.  I was thankful for what I had.

We were so broke.  I was the only one working while he studied. We lived in a tiny apartment with our little dog (practice baby), Peppa, and we struggled to make ends meet in San Francisco.  We were the first of our friends to have any kids at all.  We had no one to help us and yet we were not afraid. Perhaps it was the fact we knew little to nothing about the perils of parenthood but it was something we embraced and laughed through.  Our babymoon with Ditto was a wonderfully scary and hopeful time.  Nothing would divide us, we thought at the time. Nothing.

And still I regret none of it.

I don’t regret marrying Green.

He is the father of my children and the best part of him is in them.  His eyes, their mischievous laugh, fierce intellect and sweet affection.

Looking back its true that these last two years of holidays have been so very hard. Full of anger, resentment, fear and loss.  I can’t live like this anymore.  Neither can Green.

Today Ditto woke up so excited to greet the 6th year of her life. It’s so full of hope. So full of joy.  Nothing scares her. She is secure knowing she is loved and her gratitude for simple inexpensive gifts make me proud.  Ditto reminds me of how I used to be… so full of gratitude, hope and joy.  I think I’m gonna try to steal some back from her today – siphon off a little of that childish innocent grace and inhale.

Today I will be grateful because Green placed clean towels in the bathroom without me asking.  He nudged me into doing the morning yoga for MY health and not his weight loss goals. I will breathe deep the scent of the coffee he made me and big breakfast he prepared.  Green is obviously trying to shower with me love because he knows this Thanksgiving is a trigger.  He should – this holiday season has been a trigger of pain and loss. Green is looking for redemption and I have the power to give it.

Well today I will try to push down those feelings and little this Thanksgiving trigger what it should – gratitude that I was blessed with the birth of my first child who is healthy, bright and sweet. I will be grateful I was granted a a full family and the resources to provide for them.  I will trigger the Thanksgiving I deserve – I deserve a Thanksgiving full of love and laughter.

I wish you the same. I wish you a season of lessened pain where the grief can begin to fade. It’s not easy, mine is not gone… maybe never but I will try to be open to the many blessings I still have.   Happy Holidays.