His Affair & My stolen year

marriage brokenGreen met Maria at work in September of 2011. She was his new hire, an entry level paralegal, who would help him his work load and Maria would also be his assistant. She was 23 and is 15 years younger than me. What a fucking cliché.

Green says that in early October 2011 he started to flirt with her. Maria responded to his flirtations with text messages, early morning coffee, and lunches. He would tell me this was all about work – meetings and text messages. This began their emotional affair. Green told her lies about how I never had sex with him, we fought all the time and that financial problems had revealed me to be a terrible, controlling and unlikable person. Green said that I had changed him, he had in our nearly 10 years together stopped being the person HE wanted to be, that he had changed to be someone I wanted him to be. Maria told him her sob life story and how she aspired to be like him when she was done with school. Green told Maria he was no longer in love with me.

The Truth –

  • Green and I were still sexually intimate. Ok, we weren’t intimate every f’g day, sorry I work full-time and I parent two small children. Give me a fucking break. I will admit that oral sex was rare. I was assaulted when I was 19 and my jaw was broken. Oral sex is very difficult and painful for me to manage. But when I could do it, I swallowed! Doesn’t that count?! Sadly I never dreamed that would be a deciding a factor in Green’s infidelity.
  • Yes, we argued. We’re married and yes we disagree. Was it screaming matches and insult hurling? No, not then. That kind of arguing STARTED after the affair was discovered.
  • Financial problems? Yes- Green’s income had been cut in half just one month after we purchased our first home and when I discovered I was pregnant with our 2nd daughter. Were our finances strained? Yes. Was it worth destroying our marriage? No.
  • Am I controlling? Of, course, I am a mother. I work full time. I am a wife. Professionals, wives and mothers can’t HANDLE our shit without being somewhat controlling. When my controlling nature paid the bills for him to attend law school I wasn’t controlling, was I? Oh, but when I tried to stop Green’s cheating then I suddenly became controlling? Give me a break.
  • Did I change Green? Yes, because I feel like I changed Green for the BETTER. When I met him he was unmotivated, lazy and immature. He is still lazy and immature. He’s admitted that I made him focus on his goals, to get the courage to explore new opportunities and to try hard to achieve his goals. His own friends said when we met that his life was transformed and in a few short years he had achieved much more than anyone expected. Maybe that was my mistake, maybe I spent so much time lifting him UP and putting him on a pedestal, and perhaps he never learned how to climb on his own. And so what, Green changed me too – he was funny, confident/arrogant, sexy and he believed in me. He made me feel like I could do anything. In the end, I guess Green would show me my greatest challenges.

The Set Up
Mid October we celebrated Ditto & Dots birthdays with a joint birthday party. Ditto’s birthday is in November and Dot’s is in September… I am too busy to plan two parties so they got one big party. Ditto was turning 4 and Dot was having her 1st Birthday. A special time, right? It was cowgirl theme with lots of family, friends and as Ditto requested, we even had a pony. Green wanted to invite his co-workers. I thought it was odd. We never socialized with them. I didn’t invite my co-workers. Whatever, sure, the more the merrier.

Green invited 4 co-workers (the other 3 are married) yet only Maria showed up (with her niece and her nephew) while the other 3 just sent gifts. Maria acted kind of weird upon on introduction – she was a bit nervous, smiling too much – but I shrugged it off, she’s young, I thought, she’s probably nervous because I’m the bosses wife. I caught her looking at me when I off to the side alone, just enjoying the party, alone in my thoughts. I rememberfamily-of-four meeting her eyes and smiling at her – to let her know I understood her shyness and that it was ok. She was pushing her neice and nephew on my kids swing-set – what a cute image right? I thought it was odd, the way it stuck with me, but then after discovering the affair I realized it was then that Maria-the-whore recognized that I wasn’t a psycho bitch as my husband and painted me. I was human, a woman, a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter with friends who LOVED ME and MY FAMILY… but at that moment she didn’t care. Green and Maria had already begun their emotional affair so in her mind and in his they HAD to continue with the narrative that I, his wife, was horrible even if I was graciously handing out plates of tacos, giving out goodie bags and cowboy hats, and spinning little ones as they gleefully broke pinatas on that sunny Saturday. To Maria-the-whore destroying marriages, stealing and collecting men for her vanity is a validation to her self esteem. I learned later on that she was fatherless and raised in a impoverished family. So what? I grew up very poor, like her in an immigrant situation, and my dad, while he stayed, was no saint to my mother. In her damaged mind Maria-the-whore collected men, especially married ones, to make her feel wanted, attractive and worthy. I wonder if she was ever, for a moment, conflicted about what she and Green were doing to me and to my family. I mean, I truly wonder, for Maria what was a whore to do?

Invited by my husband or not… can you believe that Maria the whore had the nerve to attend my children’s birthday party to come into my HOME, EAT MY FOOD, MEET MY MOTHER and CHILDREN?!

And So It Begins
Green sucks at having affairs. I caught him that very first night. It was the first time Green says he touched her. Well it wasn’t just touching… it was a full on lets-get-a-motel-and-fuck start to an affair that would drag on for 8 months. Hell for me but exhilarating freedom for him, I guess.

He’d told me he wanted to get together for drinks with his staff. They had just done a round of hiring, they were very busy and it would be nice for them get together and just relax. Of course I agreed. I was never that nagging-fun-killing wife. I wanted him to enjoy work. He had worked so hard to get to to achieve his goals. I trusted him. He should be able to relax, cut loose and have fun.

He had said, “I won’t go if you don’t want me to.” How those words have haunted me ever since. If I had been the controlling bitch that he had accused me of being then I perhaps it would never have happened. I will always wonder.

Instead, I was NOT a controlling bitch. He got drunk. He got her drunk. They went a hotel and fucked. Multiple times. At 2:30 in the morning I had not heard from him. I was concerned, I was worried he’d gotten drunk and gotten a DUI or in accident. So I texted him. His lying texted response, was that he’d gotten sick from drinking. He went on to lie that Cindy (another attorney) had driven him to the office where he slept it off. He now texted that he was on his way home. I was angry but I believed him. He slept on the couch, in the darkness, I told him I was pissed and that he wasn’t likely to be pulling that stunt again. The next morning… was the reveal of a shit storm.

Hickies and Whores

The next morning I found a hickie on his neck. That’s when I knew that the whore who my husband was with was no little wilting flower. NO, THIS BITCH MEANT WAR. She didn’t have to leave a hickie. Whores leave hickies when they WANT to mark their territory. She purposely put that hickie on Green’s neck so that I knew what had happened and that SHE had been there. I confronted him. Green angrily denied it. I took a picture of the hickie with my camera phone. Green flipped out and said I was crazy. I demanded that he take off his clothes. Green refused. I knew it. I knew he had cheated on me.

I was angry, crushed and humiliated. I didn’t even know how to cry. I retreated to our bedroom. I was falling apart and I didn’t know what to do. I left the kids in his care. Afterall, he’d had his fun, he had left me all night with them alone… let him be parent now. I was swirling into a haze of madness – I had discovered that my best friend, my husband and my love had been intimate (I didn’t know then it was intercourse – I don’t think my mind would let me accept that) with some whore (I didn’t know who her identity then) and now I was left facing the ultimate marriage deal breaker. Green had broken a marital vow. This was on me. Infidelity was and is a deal breaker for me… now what?!

And then Green let the other shoe drop. The year before Green had left working for a company that had been dissolved due to management issues between partners. Green was not a partner he was an employee. The men he worked for had run the business into the ground. In its dissolution they had been hiding assets from creditors, clients and investors and even each other. In the end Green quit because they were late with his salary for 6 months – they even hid from their employees. Green chalked it up to bad luck and moved on. Sure we took a hit on the income but in time Green got hired with a local law firm. Well unbeknownst to me these creditors and clients were looking for someone to sue when the partners split town. They found someone with a license and insurance. That person would be Green. Six months prior these misdirected people had turned to suing Green. Us. Me. We were facing losing everything we worked for. Losing our home. Green losing his license. We might have to file bankruptcy. Green spat that story at me in the midst of my screaming hysterical accusations of infidelity at him. Well it worked, I was stunned into silence.

What the hell was going on? Is that nightmare? A terrible joke? How is it that I didn’t I know tincoming stormhis? How long had Green known this and didn’t tell me? Why didn’t he tell me? What else was he hiding? And why was he suddenly SO MEAN. SO ANGRY. SO COLD. At the time it was just too much for me to process. I stopped grilling him on the suspected infidelity. Now, looking back I see how Green used it as a way to deflect and distract me. It only worked for a few hours but this would change me, us, our marriage and family for the next year in so many ways that I could never imagine.

How would we survive? What next? Who would be left standing?

17 Responses to “His Affair & My stolen year”

  1. Still Loving Him April 10, 2013 at 11:48 pm #

    Okay let me say first that if I had my jaw broken at 19 and it caused me pain to suck dick, I would NEVER do it. Fuck that… I have a touch of TMJ and my right jaw locks up from time to time, I never do oral if my my jaw has been bothering me. How was oral a deciding factor in him having an affair?

    My husbands main AP did oral every time he was with her and sometimes when she’d drive him to the airport. Her husband told me she rarely did it for him. Unreal… I asked him if that’s why he kept going back to her fat ass, he said he’d never thought about it but maybe it was.

    Personally I’m not a huge fan of sucking dick and I don’t swallow. I give more oral now that my H is sober and faithful but it’s still not super frequent.

    You work and raise two small kids, no shit you didn’t have sex everyday. How could you? I don’t know any middle age married couple that have been together for a long time that have sex every single day (except Hysterical bonding).

    My husbands main AP pursued him aggressively, and she knew me. They don’t care… They see something they want and they go after it. Green was weak but honestly a lot of men would have been in his position. Not that that’s an excuse.

    The statistics on men that cheat are staggering, I can’t even imagine what the real number is given that not all cheaters eventually admit it.

    I can’t believe she came to your house, it must have been the only way she could size you up. The bigger issue here is why in the hell did Green invite her? Sick just sick… I met my H’s main AP on a booze cruse my husbands company had for team building.

    Hickies… What a fucking whore. I would have had murderous intent if I’d seen marks on my husband. Of course I got others things like 2 STD’s..

    When I read other women’s stories I always think, how in the hell can she stay with such a selfish asshole and then I’ll be like, oh yeah I have my own selfish asshole that cheated on me for 7 years.

    Does Green not realize that you would have likely enjoyed a roll in the hay with a man 15 years younger than yourself? I sure as hell know I’d like it.

    Ugh.. Men suck.

    • Flaca April 11, 2013 at 7:33 pm #

      Right?! I know… BJ’s were never my favorite… but when you love someone you want to make them happy, right?! Well apparently I was wrong.

      Ugh… when I read it out I know I seem stupid. And believe me I feel stupid. And lost. I don’t know. Today is a super shitty day. Green and I got into this morning when he confirmed some shit I knew but his dumbass keeps hiding. This truth trickling is killing us. Next week is our MC… if he doesn’t do something there I am going to end this. I have to have resolution. Yeah I think Green invited the whore so she could see how ‘disconnected’ we were. so f’g stupid. i do think she wanted to see if i was a bitch. was it confirmed? i don’t know. hah, i’ve never asked. i kind of don’t want to know. i hate even giving her two seconds of my day. i figure if two weeks later they were fucking they obviously didn’t like me very much anyway.

      i love your comments & blog SLH. your honesty is refreshing. i know if i saw myself i would think WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HER? hah, i do that everyday. thats why Green and I were arguing this morning. and then what does he do, two hours later he wants to book a Caribbean vacation for our anniversary in a few months? wtf? who is this guy?!

      yes, men do suck. i hate that i love this POS husband of mine who brought this stupidity into my life. i miss the woman i used to be – the one who would have said, fuck off and die asshole! where did she go?

    • Gee December 10, 2013 at 12:29 am #

      Ok – this is totally the best reply I have ever seen on any blog/forum! Bless you! Gawd – you should also have a blog! Luv it! I always seem to get attacked or “spoken to” by forum admins or by bloggers having a bad reply day – but man – you can write replies! And Flaca – I’ve been reading you off and on for awhile. I have to totally agree with Miss Amazing’s reply here – c*ck sucking? Please. Isn’t that why they all want to cheat? Oh, no, not mine – he wanted full intercourse…the whores would always suck to get him hard. Why do men seem to have such d*ck problems…GAWD! = ) Men = can’t live with them, can’t live with them.

      • Gee December 10, 2013 at 12:31 am #

        PS – Flaca, she, as in the old you, left when you became an amazing mother and put them first…unlike so many men.

  2. amanda April 15, 2013 at 10:56 pm #

    where is the new post? Regrets-the fine line… I was looking forward to it. But i cannot seem to find it.

    • Flaca April 16, 2013 at 12:10 am #

      Sorry I’m working on it. Kind of dreading this next part its pretty pathetic. I’ll try to get it up asap. Thanks for checking back.

  3. Kay H May 3, 2013 at 8:29 pm #

    He had an affair because you don’t do oral often? I thought the ‘your dog ate my hat’ crap that my husband fed me was ridiculous. If you don’t hate your husband, that’s fine, I hate him enough for both of us. I hope he is kissing your ass to make everything better and I hope he’s giving you oral every night and asking for nothing in return. I hate your husband’s whore as well. She’s a piece of dog shit on your shoe. I hope life treat us both better in the future.

    • Flaca May 3, 2013 at 10:19 pm #

      Oh I hate him plenty. That’s the screwed up part I still love him and I hate him. Forgiveness is hard. I am not there. Being civil is the most I can manage. And oral?! Oh yeah that’s never happening for him again. If we ever have sex again! Yes we deserve better. Stay strong these jerks don’t deserve to see us beaten by the behavior of our lousy husbands and their whores.

  4. Michelle January 20, 2014 at 1:17 pm #

    FLACA…This entry mad me so mad! What an awful thing that was done to you. You and I have almost the same timeline. The fall/winter of 2011 was when my life came crashing down, some of my darkest days. Reading more of your recent blogs, you seem to be further along in the healing process than I. I’m looking forward to going back over some of your past blogs, to see what other similarities we might share.

    • Flaca January 20, 2014 at 1:34 pm #

      Aww sweetie it makes me mad and sad too.

      And believe me the reason I haven’t written it all out yet is because our story gets a lot worse before it gets better.

      Ugh.

      It gets really bad.

      I hope to write that up soon… Get it out and over with so that I can truly move on.

      Best wishes to you – I still have a long way to go. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ‘over it’ but for now I’m happy to say that so far I have survived it.

  5. Michelle January 20, 2014 at 1:57 pm #

    I can understand your hesitation. I have the same problem when writing my blog. Some stuff I can write easily, others…not so much. I guess its all a part of the process.

  6. Christine October 16, 2014 at 7:31 pm #

    I wonder how and what happened between the day you threw him out and the day he crawled back?

    • Flaca October 16, 2014 at 9:57 pm #

      A lot! As I have said the story gets a LOT WORSE before it gets better. I guess I don’t have a lot of energy yet to write it ALL down yet. I am getting there. I have trickled that out a bit. I started by blog almost after all the cheating had ended… so I am bit back and forth…. it was nothing profound. Honestly we just never stopped talking, because we co-parented, and somehow we found our way back. We’re not there yet but its been better. The full story will come, eventually, but I can’t say when.

  7. Phoenix May 19, 2015 at 12:21 pm #

    I think we were married to the same idiot….

    • Flaca May 19, 2015 at 1:15 pm #

      I read your blog & thought the same thing! You’re blog is hysterical and poignant! We written! I’m definitely following!

      • Phoenix May 20, 2015 at 7:10 am #

        Thank you so much, Flaca! We have to find the humor in these crazy situations that we were thrust in to! LOL!!!!

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