So I survived turning 40! Hooray! Green was at his best being accommodating and patient. I did manage to sneak in a deep tissue massage and we went out for Chinese noodles for dinner (required for a long life! I’m told), strawberry filled doughnuts (I don’t like cake), cards sweetly drawn by Ditto and Dot and a simple, thoughtful gift from Green. Held here by my youngest daughter, Dot, who was in love with the wrapping and pretty blue Tiffany box that I eagerly anticipated opening.
Inside was this pretty Tiffany Twist anchor charm and bracelet. I love it – simple and meaningful. You see for us it follows a theme – earlier in the summer for our anniversary he’d given me a fancy beach themed tote that had anchor detailing on it as well. More than that we both have an affinity for pirates and boats since he’d been the editor for his Maritime Journal in Law School during the time we lived in the San Francisco Bay Area – broke but deeply in love. It was nice to know that he’d remembered those simple sweet days that seem so long ago sometimes. With both gifts he’d said that to him the anchor symbolized how much I had done to keep our family together when he had failed us. How strong I have been to anchor him towards helping him heal and becoming the good person he was before.
In the card Green gave me for my birthday he wrote,
“I love you. Today and everyday and I want to make sure you understand and know that.
I am giving you an anchor.
It has been viewed by many as a symbol of new beginnings. When a ship sets sail it draws in its anchor and shows to the world that it is setting off for a new voyage.
I want to begin a new voyage with you.
As long as you and I are together, with our family, we have all we need to have an amazing adventure.
So how do I feel. Well I do feel loved. Just yesterday I posted about finding love outside of our romantic expectations… and here I am posting about feeling good about finding it in Green. Well I guess that’s the nature of love, right? We are emotional creatures and we seek love where we can find it – sometimes in healthy or unhealthy ways. Yesterday I received a tremendous outpouring of affection and generosity. It felt good. But of course in the way my marriage has played out I was looking with a certain level of expectation toward what Green would do. Of course I would – he’s my unfaithful husband who at one time used my age (whether it mattered or not) as a hateful bomb that he lobbed at me to justify his stupid cheating. Its probably not that healthy of me but he met my needs and that’s what mattered.
I know Green is trying. I am trying to accept his attempts at saving ‘us.’ Could he do more? Yes, of course. Is it unfair to make me be the anchor? The strong one who keeps it together? Yes and No. Yes because it is unfair and sexist. But no, its not unfair, because I would inevitably choose it and I wouldn’t have it any other way – it is in my nature to fix things, to mother and to keep things moving forward.
One final thought, I don’t know if I have shared this with you yet but I don’t know how to swim. Never learned how to swim. Yeah, I grew up in a pretty rural desert area and we were very poor – no fancy swimming pools around. Yes, its on my bucket list of things to do before I die. But I wondered- What does it say about me as an anchor who can’t swim? Is that why I am the anchor because I can’t swim away?