A Snake, The Holidays… And a baby

15 Oct

bad memories quote3 years ago today the snake that would become my husband’s mistress had the gall to slither into my home as a guest for our daughters birthday party. At the time Green says the affair had not yet begun but I know they had already been flirting.   He was already interested in her. Phone records from that time and that day indicate that the text chatter between Green and Maria-the-whore was already inappropriate.  It would be two weeks later that they would consummate their filthy relationship with the typical motel room fuck fest after a ‘work happy hour.’ So fucking happy.

So this time of the year sucks, for me. It just holds so many triggers. My daughter’s birthday parties used to be BIG event at our home. Now they’ve pretty much stopped.  They are smaller and less well attended. Relationships with our friends are fractured.  I am still too humiliated to be around a lot of people. The fact that none of this ‘collateral damage’ occurred to Green before he chose to have an affair and destroy the marriage that we had is truly unbelievable to me.  I still can’t reconcile that  the man who I married, the man who treated me like trash during his affair, and that the man who says he wants to stay married to me is actually one and same person.  It’s like being with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  How the can he have said and done all of those same things? Who or what is he?

So I know I killed that snake Maria-the-whore.  I usually don’t get too upset over her.  I know in many aspects of my life and personality that I am clearly superior to her.  Moreover, I saw, first hand, Maria-the-whore beg and plead when she came to my house 9 months later to ‘get him back’ and tell me her stupid comments in an effort to try make me hate him.  As if I needed her to tell me any of what I already knew.  In fact her antics helped Green, I believe, get over her… but sometimes she just f’g bugs me.  Her existence annoys me.

Worse yet… Green fucking bugs me.

I know the affair is Green’s fault. If it hadn’t been her it would’ve been someone else.  He was unhappy because of his own stupid career actions and he decided to find a secret fuck buddy in order make himself feel better.  Green chose to act like a stupid selfish moron and he found a similar selfish moron in Maria.  Two selfish psychopaths who helped fan the flames of their fucked up self esteems but destroying others. I guess what really bugs me about Maria-the-Whore on this day is the fact that she as a fellow woman… would come to my home, eat my food, meet my family, have her niece and nephew play with my kids… and then two weeks later she was giving Green a blow job?! Fucking him in a dirty motel room that SHE PAID FOR?! WTF kind of person is that? I know… I know, Maria-the-whore is a fucked up person.  Still she bugs me.

I’ll get over it… I move on. I work, spend time with my growing girls, Ditto & Dot, and I am thankful for the distraction. Everyday I think I am getting better.. and then a  stupid trigger hits.  Perhaps its the weather… we’re finally getting some cool and foggy days in Southern California. Fall is here. It used to be my favorite season! My birthday, Green’s birthday… our girls birthday’s and then of course the holidays. Now they are tainted. Don’t get me started on New Years Eve! Triggers await me the rest of this year… I’ve already told Green to be warned.

Green, “Is something wrong?” (Quite possibly the most annoying phrase of all time!) 

Flaca, “Well yes, there is. The next few months are the crappiest anniversary’s of all. Your cheating. Your lies. My discovery and my stupid attempts to make you see the errors of your ways.  To help you when I saw you were hurt about your career but you threw away my help for the sake of blow job and fuck nights with a whore.  You’d like to forget but for me September to January are full of days that remind me of how you abused me and abused our marriage.  So yeah there is something wrong! Happy fucking holidays.”

Green is silent and then offered, quietly, ‘Sorry cookie.’  

Then he just stands there looking stupid. I walked way. I can’t stand to be around Green sometimes.  

Fuck him.  Sorry is not enough when the memories of knowing the person that you’ve married could be capable of the worst deceit and disrespect imaginable.   My heart is broken still. I love him but it’s not the same.

But in spite of that dear readers, guess what?! I’m pregnant. In March we’re expecting a baby boy.   I’ll post more about that later…. for now I just need to survive and reject these triggers that haunt me, still.

the-hearts-memory-eliminates-the-bad-and-magnifies-the-good

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27 Responses to “A Snake, The Holidays… And a baby”

  1. bubsyd October 15, 2014 at 3:12 pm #

    Oh. My. God.! I was preparing to write a reply saying something along the lines of “you’ve read my mind, I feel the same”, and then came the baby bomb! And I felt a genuine pang of happiness?!? What’s that all about?! Not felt that for a while?!? Hopefully a baby will help to take some of your pain away. I sincerely hope so. So happy for you. Can’t wait to hear more 🙂 x

    • Flaca October 15, 2014 at 3:45 pm #

      thanks for the good wishes… and for stopping by! i missed you ladies… seems like only we understand each other. i am so out of the loop. i’m heading over to your blog to check in on you! big hugs!

  2. Bee October 15, 2014 at 3:13 pm #

    So glad to see you back blogging! And congrats on the baby, even if Green is being an asshat on occasion.

    • Flaca October 15, 2014 at 3:40 pm #

      Thanks lady Bee! Work has kept me busy (distracted) but recently the triggers started to catch up… I just had been feeling overwhelmed. Thanks for staying in touch! I’m gonna go over to your blog & catch up! Hope you are well!

  3. chickendarlin October 15, 2014 at 4:01 pm #

    It is my first time commenting even though I have been a follower for awhile. As someone who has dealt with infidelity that occurred many times with different people, which is sad to say, and is still married to the improving fool, I will say this: Triggers never stop occurring. They suck ass. But, you just have to remind yourself where you are today. I will say it is possible for your spouse to love you and still cheat. My husband loves me more than any other, but when he cheated, he did not love himself. People like you and I could never fathom cheating because we have self-love that is deeply engrained. Second, congrats on the pregnancy. It is a great thing! Because not only did I deal with infidelity, I also deal with infertility. It sucks almost worse than infidelity. Kiss those babies each night and enjoy that pregnancy!

    • Flaca October 15, 2014 at 4:08 pm #

      Oh wow, thanks for your comments! You’re words are spot on…

      “People like you and I could never fathom cheating because we have self-love that is deeply engrained.”

      I think that many of the folks who judge us (trolls) for staying don’t see what we see in our spouse- the fractured people whose self esteem is related to the sick affirmation that cheating gives them.

      Last spring I blogged about somes issues that I had around my fertility – it sucks. Thanks for the advice! I WILL kiss my babies… thank you again. Big hugs to you!

  4. tryinghard October 15, 2014 at 5:53 pm #

    Hi Flaca. OMG what wonderful news for you and your family. Boys are so much fun! Could the triggers just be hormones? I’m as far out as you and while I still have recurring memories they are no where near as bad as earlier. I’m just throwing it out there for you.

    • Flaca October 16, 2014 at 8:11 am #

      I thought it could be hormones too. Could be why Green is being extra patient. I don’t get much in way of the other pregnancy stuff – morning sickness, cravings, etc… so I guess its a blessing to just have a few lows every now & then. I feel better today. I had a good night and dinner with my girls and Green. Thanks for the well wishes! I am not gonna lie, my girls are wonderful, but a little boy may be the breath of fresh air that this mama needs! 😉

  5. Renee October 15, 2014 at 6:10 pm #

    Oh Flaca, I feel so much of your pain my stomach is in knots while I type this. September through January are anniversaries of my bad memories too. I’m not with mine anymore. I wanted to save it and he didn’t. Now he is buying a new home with Julie-the whore so he can move me son and the new dog they just got and play family. I am moving on, I have moved on but I still struggle with my triggers. The latest aftermath if my husbands mid life crisis is my 11 year old’s wavering belief in God because his prayers weren’t answered. Totally selfish narcissistic people make poor decisions without thinking about the pain the cause,

    Anyway i give you kiddos for still being with him. It takes an incredibly strong woman to deal with what you are dealing with. I’m haunted by my situation but I no longer have to sleep next to him. Be patient with yourself. Take care of yourself, love yourself. And don’t blame yourself. No matter what you didn’t make him chest. I give myself this talk every day!
    Hang in there!! Hugs to you!!!

    • Flaca October 16, 2014 at 8:16 am #

      Ugh I’m sorry. I’m sorry to hear about your son…. that’s terrible! Poor guy! I know how worried I was (and am) about my eldest daughter nearly 7 now but 4 when it all happened. We didn’t fight in front of her but she still saw and absorbed way too much drama. I think my husband feels guilty now… but back then, I guess as you said ‘Totally selfish narcissistic people make poor decisions without thinking about the pain the cause.’ I’ll include your son in my prayers. Thanks for sharing your pep talk, I’m gonna adopt it!

  6. Renee October 15, 2014 at 6:11 pm #

    Oops sorry for the typos. I should have been wearing my reading glasses!!!

  7. bamboozled1 October 16, 2014 at 2:25 am #

    awwww a bubbas! you and the girls will have heaps of fun 😀
    im sorry its still rough for ya tho… i hope that man of yours is putting lots of thought into how to raise a better one!

    • Flaca October 16, 2014 at 8:19 am #

      thanks! ditto, i’m hoping for the same!

  8. temptedbythefruitofanother October 16, 2014 at 6:13 am #

    Great news about your baby boy! Yeah, this time of year is very difficult for many of us. I’m only one year out from Dday and celebrated the antiversary on 10.14.

    But, life must go on, it’s just a matter of levels you wish it to. I’ve always loved your blog for the snarkiness (which showed great strength and depth).

    Best to you, your children and your husband!

    • Flaca October 16, 2014 at 9:20 am #

      Thank you – glad you enjoyed it! ! My snark & sarcasm keep me from scratching Green & his whore’s eyes out! 😉

  9. DJ October 16, 2014 at 11:40 am #

    Flaca! I’ve missed you. Difficult time for me as well – DDay is tomorrow. All the big events of their affair occurred in October. The start, the end, her husband finding out, me finding out, their first hotel room… over a span of six years. Nothing will ever make that easier, I don’t think.
    But you are strong and a survivor. Your baby boy will be a blessing to you, and you a blessing to him. Whatever else comes in life, that is solid ground.

    • Flaca October 16, 2014 at 2:23 pm #

      Oh I’m sorry to hear this. I am catching up on your blog right now. Good to hear you’re still moving forward. I agree I don’t think we’ll ever have what we had before… Thanks for the kind words about the baby… I too am looking forward to enjoying that blessing in spite of the past.

  10. ryiansmom October 18, 2014 at 10:51 pm #

    Hi Flaca, Great to get an update from you! Congratulations on the pregnancy news!!!

    I am also an affair survivor (d-day June 2013) and I feel very similarly to you; some days I think we are ok and some days I am wondering what we are doing and if it will ever feel “normal” again.

    Question: does your husband criticize or bicker minor stuff since the affair? this doesn’t happen a lot, but sometimes my husband will give me a hard time over something stupid (most recently it was a vacation plan) and I have a hard time tolerating it. I tend to get so angry and lose it when he does that, because I feel that after I had to endure the affair for him, why should he fight with me over petty things at this point???

    any advice greatly appreciated. thanks as always and take care!

  11. TLM October 22, 2014 at 8:58 am #

    Congratulations on the happy news of your baby boy! That’s wonderful.

  12. horsesrcumin October 23, 2014 at 10:32 pm #

    Flaca, I’ve missed you. Even started a very belated blog in your absence. It never gets old, huh? But the good news is, a baby, fantastic! I hope he helps you heal even more, and that little boy is one lucky SOB to have you for a mum, hopefully he will feel the same about his dad, too. I’m sure he will. There is much learned on this journey, and I’m sure Green will pass on his hard-earned knowledge xxx

    • Flaca May 18, 2015 at 5:08 pm #

      I’m sorry I missed this comment! I am going to subscribe to your blog! Thanks for always visiting me even when I wasn’t very good about blogging.

  13. Lori October 25, 2014 at 3:09 pm #

    I’ve been through the cheating. Been through trying to repair. My ex didn’t show up to try. I hope Green is…for all of you. Baby is here for a reason. Triggers fade. Turn that energy to the new little one. So much hope and growth for you and sweet baby. Ride the wave of anger for a bit, then enjoy the fall and reach to happiness in you 🙂

  14. shawnthewife October 26, 2014 at 3:19 pm #

    Girl! You are so on my list! I have been worried about you! Just drop off the blog-o-sphere in April and pop back up in October?! What the hell?!
    Whatever…you have a busy life and I hope a mostly happy one….including a baby on the way!! WooHoo! Way to bury the lead with that little bombshell!
    So glad you’re back. REALLY glad to know you are still walking that Road to Happy!
    Missed you.
    Oh…and if you decide to disappear again…PLEASE warn me first!
    Hugs!

    • Flaca December 23, 2014 at 1:42 pm #

      Hey lady, I’m sorry! I know…. I am not too good at this. I am trying to be better but one crisis after another at work has replaced my home drama.

      I’m trying to find my way back to happy! I wish you the best too.

      Happy Holidays!

  15. clevergirl75 November 2, 2014 at 2:44 pm #

    Congrats on the baby!!! What sweet news. I’ve been away from the blogs too, trying to focus on moving on and healing. Easier said than done. This is the worst part of the year for me as well, my H’s affair started in Nov 2005 and ended in Oct 2011 and of course there were 9 other whores mixed in. I found out the day after Thanksgiving 2011, needless to say I loathe the holidays. Triggers suck, they consume me, they bring so much pain and anger. But, we must keep moving forward, lest we let the home wreckers win.

    • Flaca May 18, 2015 at 5:09 pm #

      thanks lady! I miss you. i hope you are well.

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