A Snake, The Holidays… And a baby

3 years ago today the snake that would become my husband’s mistress had the gall to slither into my home as a guest for our daughters birthday party. At the time Green says the affair had not yet begun but I know they had already been flirting.   He was already interested in her. Phone records from that time and that day indicate that the text chatter between Green and Maria-the-whore was already inappropriate.  It would be two weeks later that they would consummate their filthy relationship with the typical motel room fuck fest after a ‘work happy hour.’ So fucking happy.

So this time of the year sucks, for me. It just holds so many triggers. My daughter’s birthday parties used to be BIG event at our home. Now they’ve pretty much stopped.  They are smaller and less well attended. Relationships with our friends are fractured.  I am still too humiliated to be around a lot of people. The fact that none of this ‘collateral damage’ occurred to Green before he chose to have an affair and destroy the marriage that we had is truly unbelievable to me.  I still can’t reconcile that  the man who I married, the man who treated me like trash during his affair, and that the man who says he wants to stay married to me is actually one and same person.  It’s like being with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  How the can he have said and done all of those same things? Who or what is he?

So I know I killed that snake Maria-the-whore.  I usually don’t get too upset over her.  I know in many aspects of my life and personality that I am clearly superior to her.  Moreover, I saw, first hand, Maria-the-whore beg and plead when she came to my house 9 months later to ‘get him back’ and tell me her stupid comments in an effort to try make me hate him.  As if I needed her to tell me any of what I already knew.  In fact her antics helped Green, I believe, get over her… but sometimes she just f’g bugs me.  Her existence annoys me.

Worse yet… Green fucking bugs me.

I know the affair is Green’s fault. If it hadn’t been her it would’ve been someone else.  He was unhappy because of his own stupid career actions and he decided to find a secret fuck buddy in order make himself feel better.  Green chose to act like a stupid selfish moron and he found a similar selfish moron in Maria.  Two selfish psychopaths who helped fan the flames of their fucked up self esteems but destroying others. I guess what really bugs me about Maria-the-Whore on this day is the fact that she as a fellow woman… would come to my home, eat my food, meet my family, have her niece and nephew play with my kids… and then two weeks later she was giving Green a blow job?! Fucking him in a dirty motel room that SHE PAID FOR?! WTF kind of person is that? I know… I know, Maria-the-whore is a fucked up person.  Still she bugs me.

I’ll get over it… I move on. I work, spend time with my growing girls, Ditto & Dot, and I am thankful for the distraction. Everyday I think I am getting better.. and then a  stupid trigger hits.  Perhaps its the weather… we’re finally getting some cool and foggy days in Southern California. Fall is here. It used to be my favorite season! My birthday, Green’s birthday… our girls birthday’s and then of course the holidays. Now they are tainted. Don’t get me started on New Years Eve! Triggers await me the rest of this year… I’ve already told Green to be warned.

Green, “Is something wrong?” (Quite possibly the most annoying phrase of all time!) 

Flaca, “Well yes, there is. The next few months are the crappiest anniversary’s of all. Your cheating. Your lies. My discovery and my stupid attempts to make you see the errors of your ways.  To help you when I saw you were hurt about your career but you threw away my help for the sake of blow job and fuck nights with a whore.  You’d like to forget but for me September to January are full of days that remind me of how you abused me and abused our marriage.  So yeah there is something wrong! Happy fucking holidays.”

Green is silent and then offered, quietly, ‘Sorry cookie.’  

Then he just stands there looking stupid. I walked way. I can’t stand to be around Green sometimes.  

Fuck him.  Sorry is not enough when the memories of knowing the person that you’ve married could be capable of the worst deceit and disrespect imaginable.   My heart is broken still. I love him but it’s not the same.

But in spite of that dear readers, guess what?! I’m pregnant. In March we’re expecting a baby boy.   I’ll post more about that later…. for now I just need to survive and reject these triggers that haunt me, still.