Resolutions for 2014

31 Dec

For the past two years I have dreaded New Years Eve.

On New Years Eve 2011 my husband ditched me to spend the day with his whore.

He stupidly thought I didn’t know he was with her. He thought I really believed he was getting his car fixed and seeing his friends at sports-bar ALL DAY LONG.  I knew he was fornicating in a cheap motel with her.

He called me at 9 pm on his way back home and coldly said, “I’m on my way. Get ready.”

I was so filled with rage and as such, my response was not good.  I was angry. I was hurt and humiliated.  I was scared.

I screamed back. “Fuck off. Don’t bother. Go back to your whore.”

Green laughed. “I wasn’t with anyone. YOU. ARE. CRAZY.”

I felt a few seconds of doubt. (Yes, stupid, I know but that is what gas-lighting did to me… I wanted to believe I was crazy when my husband was cheating on me.) But then I got angry again. Fuck. Him. Did he really think I was so pathetic that I would just leap into his arms… his arms that reeked of her filthiness. Of his disgusting deceit.  Nope, even I had some pride left.

“Fuck you. You are a fucking a liar. Go back to your whore. This is not your home anymore,” I hissed back.

He laughed.  “Ok,” he said and laughed some more.

We hung up. I was furious. And then I cried. I sobbed. I was alone.  She won. I was trash. Disposable.

Ugh. What a shitty way to ring in the New Year.  I opened a bottle of champagne but only had half a glass. Even I knew that was to pathetic to do. Drink alone. Watching TV?  I fucking hate Ryan Seacrest.  But that night I watched the ball drop. Alone. For the first time since 2002 and being with Green I had no one to kiss me and tell me they loved me at midnight. I literally wanted to die.

I am ashamed of how I felt that night.  The kiddos, Dot was 1 and Ditto was 4, were at my parent’s home. They were safe and loved.  That night I considered killing myself. Green surely didn’t care. He went back (he has since admitted it) to pick up his whore Maria from her mothers house and they went back to the motel where they had been fornicating at the entire day before.  They resumed their filthy activities.  How romantic for them.

The next day, January 1, 2012, was pure hell.

  • I left Green a voice-mail telling him I hoped he enjoyed fucking his whore because I was done with him being a coward.
  • I called his mother and told him that I knew he was cheating on me and that to be prepared for when I threw him out. (She stupidly tried to tell me about her own failing relationship. What the f?!)
  • Green called to say he was on his home to talk. I said that was fine because I replied that I wanted a divorce.  Even then he didn’t come home until the early afternoon when I assume the ghetto motel they were staying at FINALLY threw them out of their DNA stained room.
  • I mowed the lawn in his absence… its always very warm in So. California on New Years Eve oddly enough so I got out my aggression on pruning roses and hedges.  My girlfriend who knew what was going on told me not to do yard work.  She said, “No! Don’t mow the lawn. Make him do it. He’s an asshole why should you do all the yard work too?!”  Oddly enough I actually enjoyed how pushing the lawn mower made my arms hurt… the physical pain distracted me from the emotional one that was eating away at my gut and my head.

Anyway, that afternoon when Green got home he took a shower with me to prove to me that he hadn’t cheated.  While showering I saw a tiny hickie on his chest but again he denied its existence and denied cheating.  He said he had slept in his car in the parking lot of a hotel. Yeah. Right.  We had a shitty dinner out a Thai restaurant because I thought if we ate at home that I might stab him with a knife. Throughout the dinner he continued to deny the affair.

I know, reader, you might be shocked at how calm I was but honestly I couldn’t even cry anymore at that point.  I was exhausted and dejected.  In that moment, if I had been killed I would have welcomed it.  The darkness and finality of death, to me at that time, was a welcome respite from the pain of being cheated on. I couldn’t believe my life and marriage were so broken.  At that point living even saying that I lived for my children was not even worth it to me. I felt so alone. I felt so low. I felt like shit.

I asked him pointedly, “On the souls of our children… Are you cheating on me? Are you having an affair?” 

Green look at me in the eyes and said, “No. No I am not.” 

Ugh. I knew he was lying and still it felt like I’d been punched in the stomach.

Thinking back on that New Years Eve and Day I can’t believe that I have survived to this point.  But I have.  Our marriage has.  And guess what our story GETS MUCH WORSE!!! before it gets better. But we have survived and it has gotten better.

As you can imagine I am glad that 2012 and 2013 are OVER.  I really need 2014 to be a good year 2014 quote

Today Green told me he resolves to be, “Kind. More loving. More sensitive and less defensive” in 2014.

I hope so.  And if Green can’t be a better husband, the repentant, patient and whole husband that I need him to be then well I think I can say I tried.  I tried very hard and I will divorce him.

Since then I have learned I am strong person.  Foolish in forgiving? I don’t know yet.  I have accepted that I have a lot more healing to do. I have accepted that I have a lot more strength to gain.

Tonight Green and I are heading out to party with some friends.  Kiddos are at my parent’s again this year.  Green says he’s made dinner plans for us. We’ll see how they go.  It’s probably best we get out of this house that is full of painful memories for me.  I wish we could get back to place where we used to be. When having fun was so natural.  That is didn’t feel strained or fake.  Maybe in 2014.

2014 marks a dozen years of being together – Green and I.  I hope the better part of those ten years can start to make up for the horrible two that we’ve survived.

new years 2014I wish you reader nothing but joy, love and happiness and in 2014.  Reader if you are dealing with the heartbreak of infidelity I want you to know you can survive.   You might not survive with your marriage intact but YOU can survive. Stay strong and know that you are not alone.

Reader I wish you all the good things that the New Year offers. Happiness, peace, love and good fortune.  I know its hard to focus on these opportunities but they do exist.  We are not the sum of the actions taken against us but we revealed in how we react to these attacks.  I am ashamed of how I have responded in some ways and I am proud of how I have risen above them in others.  It’s a growing and learning path but I am no longer regretting the trajectory I am on.  In 2014 I resolve to seize more opportunities and squash the attacks instead of letting them ‘get me down.’   I hope you will too.

20 Responses to “Resolutions for 2014”

  1. NairobiGirl January 1, 2014 at 12:09 am #

    Happy new year Flaca! This is a beautiful post …. Very encouraging. Here’s to a beautiful 2014. Blessings.

  2. tryinghard January 1, 2014 at 6:35 pm #

    Do you think we will ever be able to forget the words or events of those days? I can recall almost verbatim those horrible feelings and events of those stormy days. Happy new year Flaca

  3. infinitymadness2 January 2, 2014 at 1:23 pm #

    you’re such a strong woman and awesome writer! Thank you for sharing this.

  4. betrayedin2012 January 3, 2014 at 11:05 pm #

    I still find it amazing how strangers feel just like me…Happy New Years.. ((Hugs))

  5. A Good Wife January 5, 2014 at 10:44 am #

    In pressing the “Like” button I’m not saying I like your pain, I am saying I like your courage in sharing and your eagerness to encourage others in similar situations. I’m not too fond of the last two years either. My situation is quite different from your but it seems we can relate on how we handle emotional pain. Good luck to you! I’m wishing you and your husband the best together.

    • Flaca January 20, 2014 at 12:45 pm #

      Thank you! I wish you and your husband the same!

  6. rkabceden January 5, 2014 at 10:47 am #

    Wow…it still seems weird to me a year later to read other people’s stories and see the similarites. When you were afraid you’d stab him with a knife, I have struggled not beating mine to death with the lamp beside our bed as I lay beside him listening to him sleep as I listened to his “whore’s” voice play in my head. Hugs to you, I look forward to reading the rest of your story.

  7. G January 8, 2014 at 6:50 am #

    What will you need, as in repentant …or you will divorce. I like your focus. I’m interested in what you are exactly looking for. Do you know or have any idea? What is he currently doing in that you made that statement and are not seeing/feeling now? Gracias.

    • Flaca January 20, 2014 at 12:44 pm #

      Well for the most part he is repentant. He gave up all communication, is transparent, got rid of his car and items that triggered me. He gave me a post nuptial that gives me most of all of our assets in an effort to make me feel more secure. Those things he does right to make me feel better. On the other hand Green is still very ashamed and that shame makes him defensive. And honestly on some dark days I don’t feel like forgiving him, being the better person, and on those days my pride makes me want to ditch him and the marriage. But luckily I have more bright days than dark days now. Thanks for your visit.

  8. patti January 9, 2014 at 10:51 am #

    Thank you for sharing such a painful post . I admire your strength so much. You help others more than you will ever know.

    • Flaca January 20, 2014 at 12:41 pm #

      Thank you. Best wishes to you in 2014.

  9. eatmyscabs January 9, 2014 at 1:16 pm #

    that’s a gut wrenching read. here’s to 2014! and moving forward and healing. xoxo, scabs

    • Flaca January 20, 2014 at 12:41 pm #

      Thanks, it was very humiliating and hard to write. But after two years I had to finally put it out there and let it go. Thanks for your well wishes. Happy (belated) New Year to you, too.

  10. Andrew January 12, 2014 at 9:59 pm #

    How in the fuck did you stay with him? Excuse my French but Jesus. I can relate. Girl I was dating/living with/supporting while she had no job. Left me at a bar with her friends an hour before the fucking ball dropped to go running back to her ex who she has claimed over and over again that she will never go back to. She left him for me in October of 2012, left me for him late December 2012, left him in august 2013. Came back to me. Then left me there at the bar on new years eve to go running back to him. I did d everything for this girl. I loved her more than any other girl I had ever met. I’ve had a few long term relationships prior to meeting her. She fucked me over 2 new years in a row because of her lazy ass old stoner zanex addicted abusive boyfriend who couldn’t please her to save his life. No wonder she was so horny for me all the time. She was the most amazing girl ever in so many ways. I was always there for this girl when she had literally no one else. So much more to the story, but I’ll leave it at that. But at this point because of her choices, She is a real piece of shit. Fuck her!!!

    Sorry I just got so mad and had to vent.

    • Flaca January 20, 2014 at 12:40 pm #

      LOL. I understand your point of view, I do.

      Why do you think it took me TWO YEARS to write it down? Of course it made me feel like shit.

      It was fucked up. My husband acknowledges it was a fucked up thing to do, too. Life is not rainbows and unicorns however and in the hellish roller coaster of infidelity I am not shocked by anything anymore. I have learned that I can only control my response and how I learn to learn and survive it.

      I’m sorry that your relationship had some similar episodes. Its fucked up and no one deserves to be treated that way. Your decision to end things with her sounds like the right decision for you. I wish you well on your journey. Thanks for visiting.

  11. Found This Painted That January 14, 2014 at 8:05 am #

    I am humbled by your journey. I want to cry and yet I feel great hope for you! You are a great example of strength and endurance and bravery. God bless you in a mighty way this coming year!

    • Flaca January 20, 2014 at 12:35 pm #

      Thank you!

  12. Michelle January 19, 2014 at 12:32 pm #

    What a hopeful blog entry! Thank you for this

    • Flaca January 20, 2014 at 12:35 pm #

      You’re welcome. Thanks for stopping by!


  1. A Snake, The Holidays… And a baby | Kissing A Fool - October 15, 2014

    […] and then of course the holidays. Now they are tainted. Don’t get me started on New Years Eve! Triggers await me the rest of this year… I’ve already told Green to be […]

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