Redefining DDay. Determined and Driven to Be Healthy.

So on June 23 – this week – was my 3 year anniversary of my DDay #2.  The day I found out that Green was still lying to me (living with him mother) about the fact that he had not ended his affair with his whore Maria.  On Saturday, June 23, 2012 the stupid psycho Maria-the-Whore came to my home at 5 am pounding on the door looking for Green.  (I have as of yet to post the entirety of that drama filled episode because honestly it’s f’g exhausting…) but I have alluded to it here.  I promise I will get around to detailing that episode… it’s just too good not to share.  Cry Mistress Cry!!

Anyway… so this year the day came and I was already dreading it.  It’s also the 90 day mark before my next birthday… when I turn 42.  Really right now things with Green are ok, not great, but ok.  On my good days I can focus less on the past and more on the day to day.  We are in some ways connected as much as we were before the affair.  With a new baby in the house we have more pressing distractions that his stupid affair and my triggers around it.  So instead of his affair we talk about things like family outings with the kiddos.  Fixing up our fixer-upper home.  Planning a summer vacation because I deserve to sit my post pregnancy butt in the sand and drink a sweet drink on a beach somewhere!!

So this year on this upcoming DDay I decided to switch up my focus by focusing on my health.  My nickname on this blog is Flaca which is Spanish for skinny.  I’ve been called this all my life.   If you’re Latino you know that we love our nicknames and mine is a source of pride.  I may not be super pretty but I am thin. I really like that part of myself. With my hazel eyes and long legs its my favorite feature… thanks for my metabolism Papa!  After having Ditto and Dot… I shed the postpartum weight super fast.  Within 8 weeks I was back in my size 6 pre-pregnancy clothes.  Thanks breastfeeding! Well this time I breastfed but the weight loss was not the same.  Baby Dash left this 41 year old mama’s figure much more full… particularly my butt.  Well I am not Kim Kardarshian so this is not a feature that I like.  I’m not huge but I do need to lose 15 pounds.  Am I that vain? Not really but I am not rich.  I don’t want to buy a ton of new clothes. Yeah yeah I know it took 9 months to put on the weight and it should take 9 months to lose it but… well i don’t have time! I am booked to be at a beach vacation by mid-August. I need to work out and lose this weight fast!

So this year… so that I would not be focusing on my DDay #2 anniversary on June 22, the day before, I decided to start on a weight loss/fitness program.  I asked Green to help me because he’s kind of a fitness fiend (although he’s overweight haha…) and he suggested a few programs that I could do at home or while traveling.  I settled on Slim in 6 program. No I am not a paid endorser. I just thought I’d share the name for those who are looking to get in shape at home. So far so good!  I’ve put it on my calendar and told Green about it so that he could hold me accountable and also help me carve out 25 minutes away from the the kiddos for the workout and 30 minutes for shower/dressing before after.

And guess what? Well Green started working out with me! Green is currently training for an Iron Man with his friends… so he likes adding a second work out to his day.  I was surprised.  At first I thought he was doing it to be extra nice and I was kind of annoyed.  And then I realized well, hell yeah, Green should be extra nice to me!  After cheating on me I just birthed his baby!  So here we… sweating each afternoon in the sunroom of our home getting slim with the ladies in the videos.  Its kind of goofy and kind of embarrassing because dang those workouts are intense! Groaning and panting while doing those squats make me feel old but at least Green is struggling along with me.  4 days I am still sore but I do feel better – certainly with my higher energy levels. And pleasantly surprised because Green is doing it with me.

I remember when I was first in depths of my depression around first discovering Green’s affair in the winter of 2011 when my doctor prescribed Xanax and told me to start working out. He told me the endorphins would make me feel better.  I remember thinking…

This doctor is fucking nuts.  Fuck the endorphins! I just want to crawl in bed and sleep. I don’t want to feel ANYTHING!   I already feel way too much! I feel like the least loved person in the world. Fuck feeling.

Well, I was wrong.  Looking back I should have started working out a long time ago! I probably would have felt so much better. I probably would have saved some hours and days… weeks even of deep depression. Now I am not saying I am running miles and become a fitness nut. No I am not but this small adjustment… well it’s made me feel a lot better and I honestly wish I had adopted it sooner.

So this year… Year 3 post affair I am vowing to put try to put those dismal DDays behind me.  Why should I give any more power or attention to the actions of Green and his whore? Why should I give more power to the pain and anger they caused? Instead on this past dismal anniversary I decided to focus less on that destructive day and focus instead on me.  And if by feeling better I look better – well then double bonus!  I deserve it! And when that D-day came, I did care but less, most likely because my legs were so sore but I’d rather be sore and healthy than heartbroken and sad.  Heartbroken and sad doesn’t look good in a bikini, on a beach with a drink in my hand.