Travel Triggers

My new job has me traveling a ton for work.  In the last three weeks I have only been home on the weekends.

It’s not bad really and although I am away from my kids I am not gonna lie I needed the break of a new job and travel to find myself again.  Green owes me anyway… how many night did he have ‘off’ before and during our separation when he said he was working late and he was instead in some dirty motel cheating? Not coming home?

I know its hard for him… I hear him patiently tell the girls to get to bed when we speak at night. He doesn’t complain. He encourages me in my new job.  He should but sometimes I wonder how much of it he sees as penance.  What’s worse is that I can’t even imagine the nutty outfits he dresses them in for school everyday and the hair styles.  At least Ditto has a school uniform.

Due to the nature of my work I am luckily enough to stay in pretty nice hotels.  I have a lot of meetings (not those kind!) in hotels with colleagues and staff so they tend to be nicer 4 or 5 star varieties that are safe, cozy and in some cases pretty luxe and swanky.

Not tonight.

I got stuck in a freeze sweeping across Louisiana and instead of returning back to cool New Orleans for the night I am being put up at a sort of grungy motel.

Ugh. The triggers. Mind movies.  What a night it will be!

All I can think of is the dirty acts that Green and Maria acted out in a similar place.  Oddly enough the other hotels I stay at didn’t trigger me in the way that this room… where I currently sit and type is bothering the shit out of me.   Green never spent money on a nice place for them.  This is the kind of setting he chose to for date nights and rendezvous for his cheap whore. Gross.  I guess for Green and his whore taste nor standards were required when you want to just wanted to be ‘naughty’ and ‘fun.’

Still the room looks clean enough, the hotel is remodeled, the sheets are bright white… but ugh… the suspicion lingers.  I know I shouldn’t be so sensitive. I thought my triggers were evaporating… nope, I guess not.

Green has called me three times to check on me but I am not taking his calls. Hearing his voice in this setting with the intense feelings I am having is just going to set me up for bitchy, snarky comments, more feelings of rage and of course a fight.  I can’t deal with that right now. It’s too cold out.  I’m tired from traveling all week. If I wasn’t afraid of sleeping late and missing my morning flight home I’d take a sleeping pill and force myself to sleep.

I wish I could just silence the voices… quiet the images.

My Choice

Often those who have been betrayed by a infidelity feel like they don’t have a lot of choice in the matter.  We don’t really when our spouse/partner decides behind our back to lie, deceive, steal and carry on a adulterous relationship that they SWORE would never happen.  The betrayed struggle with the why? And sometimes the answers is just because they can.

Murderers have no RIGHT to kill anyone just because they can. Cheaters have no RIGHT to kill a marriage just because they can.  In my opinion, Green’s cheating almost KILLED my marriage by doing something that he had NO right to do.  But we don’t live in a black and white world, do we?  In the end just because Green had NO right to do it doesn’t mean he couldn’t do it. He DID it.  He cheated on me.  Green’s cheating took my right to a marriage free from infidelity away from me.

So where does that leave me, the betrayed. Once that right has been violated where was a court to cure my violated rights? Where was my justice?

Most would say then this is where the betrayed spouse regains control.   Many choose to divorce.  Infidelity is like an atom bomb – it destroys so profoundly for some that there is nothing left to fight for anymore.  Some choose to forgive and reconcile.  While the infidelity is no less offensive, no less hurtful, no less destructive this betrayed spouse instead sees a path to redemption and perhaps a way through this tragedy to rebuilding a better and stronger marriage.

I choose to forgive and to accept what happened. I chose to live a life NOT forever marked by it.

Rainy Wedding Day

Green and I are heading to yet another wedding tonight.

This wedding is a bit weird.  It’s for Green’s pseudo-step-father (the man who raised him) Granpa Rico.  Rico is marrying a woman he dated behind Green’s mother, Rita’s back.  It’s not cheating.   Rita and Rico had not been living together, affectionate or intimate in over 10 years.  They were very active though in co-parenting Greens sister, Maggie, so Rita my (annoying) mother in law took it kind of hard.  I think she thought he would never get over her or find anyone to replace her.  In reality, they treated each other like cranky friends.  It was very awkward.    I’m telling you these families of Green’s are beyond dysfunctional!

I am actually happy Rico is getting married. He was so unhappy with Rita, and while I don’t know Silvia, I do know that everyone needs love – even grumpy Grandpa Rico!  So tonight Green and I will dance, toast and wish them well.

It’s raining today and its seems to me so many people pray that it won’t rain on their wedding day. As if the pictures and outfits staying clean are the most important things.   As I get older I realized that rain is necessary.  Rain is good.   Rain cleans things away right?  Well later on, I would learn from friends that in many cultures rain is considered good luck on wedding days, because

“For one, it brings moisture to dry areas, which can create life and help plants grow and animals hydrate. Rain and water are essential to life on earth.

Further, rain is often considered a symbol of fertility. Water helps things grow. A couple may hope that one day their marriage will be blessed with children.

Rain is also is symbolic of a new start. The water can cleanse the earth and help wash away past debris. A marriage is a new start for a couple. If it rains on your wedding day, consider yourself blessed with a clean slate.”

Who knew?