Somedays I wish

Somedays, like today, when I get hit by waves of triggers or memories of the lies, humiliations, emotional and mental abuse that Green put me through because of his infidelity I just can’t help but be overcome by it all.  The rage sometimes is just too much.  I know I can’t act on it… that’s against the law!  Sometimes I just wish I could be given one chance… one freebie… one moment to kick him squarely and full of force in his f’g nuts.

What tools do you use to get past the rage? What do you fantasize about?

Redefining DDay. Determined and Driven to Be Healthy.

So on June 23 – this week – was my 3 year anniversary of my DDay #2.  The day I found out that Green was still lying to me (living with him mother) about the fact that he had not ended his affair with his whore Maria.  On Saturday, June 23, 2012 the stupid psycho Maria-the-Whore came to my home at 5 am pounding on the door looking for Green.  (I have as of yet to post the entirety of that drama filled episode because honestly it’s f’g exhausting…) but I have alluded to it here.  I promise I will get around to detailing that episode… it’s just too good not to share.  Cry Mistress Cry!!

Anyway… so this year the day came and I was already dreading it.  It’s also the 90 day mark before my next birthday… when I turn 42.  Really right now things with Green are ok, not great, but ok.  On my good days I can focus less on the past and more on the day to day.  We are in some ways connected as much as we were before the affair.  With a new baby in the house we have more pressing distractions that his stupid affair and my triggers around it.  So instead of his affair we talk about things like family outings with the kiddos.  Fixing up our fixer-upper home.  Planning a summer vacation because I deserve to sit my post pregnancy butt in the sand and drink a sweet drink on a beach somewhere!!

Rainy Wedding Day

Green and I are heading to yet another wedding tonight.

This wedding is a bit weird.  It’s for Green’s pseudo-step-father (the man who raised him) Granpa Rico.  Rico is marrying a woman he dated behind Green’s mother, Rita’s back.  It’s not cheating.   Rita and Rico had not been living together, affectionate or intimate in over 10 years.  They were very active though in co-parenting Greens sister, Maggie, so Rita my (annoying) mother in law took it kind of hard.  I think she thought he would never get over her or find anyone to replace her.  In reality, they treated each other like cranky friends.  It was very awkward.    I’m telling you these families of Green’s are beyond dysfunctional!

I am actually happy Rico is getting married. He was so unhappy with Rita, and while I don’t know Silvia, I do know that everyone needs love – even grumpy Grandpa Rico!  So tonight Green and I will dance, toast and wish them well.

It’s raining today and its seems to me so many people pray that it won’t rain on their wedding day. As if the pictures and outfits staying clean are the most important things.   As I get older I realized that rain is necessary.  Rain is good.   Rain cleans things away right?  Well later on, I would learn from friends that in many cultures rain is considered good luck on wedding days, because

“For one, it brings moisture to dry areas, which can create life and help plants grow and animals hydrate. Rain and water are essential to life on earth.

Further, rain is often considered a symbol of fertility. Water helps things grow. A couple may hope that one day their marriage will be blessed with children.

Rain is also is symbolic of a new start. The water can cleanse the earth and help wash away past debris. A marriage is a new start for a couple. If it rains on your wedding day, consider yourself blessed with a clean slate.”

Who knew?