Committed to Fix It

7 Jun

This image says everything.

fix it dont throw it awayI am trying to stay married because I don’t actively hate my husband.

I believe in my marriage vows. For better or worse.

I think I’d like to grow old with Green.

But what I am feeling…

Its more of a passive disappointment in my cheating husband and my staying in a marriage rocked by infidelity.

It could be my postpartum hormones.

But it feels worse.

As if I have settled.

I am afraid of the pain that will come if I am not constantly reminding Green of how much he hurt me.

I am obsessed with knowing that HE KNOWS how much he hurt me.

And I know I am wrong. I know how I have to let go.

But if I let IT go… How will I know he won’t do it again?

We sit in separate rooms.

He wants dinner and I mutter that I am not hungry.  So he’ll starve himself in some kind of penance.

And I’ll just get angry.

And then I’ll feel guilty.

I’ll find him and together we’ll watch tv. Cuddle the baby. Go to bed.

I hope he doesn’t want sex.

7 Responses to “Committed to Fix It”

  1. marriagerecovery June 8, 2015 at 12:21 am #

    What you say really resonates with me – my feelings are so complicated – adultery pushes us to limits that we didn’t know existed. That feeling of settling nags in the back of my mind messing up what I think are my motivations for staying. Letting go is much easier said than done. Adultery and betrayal affects us all in very different ways. But I hang on to my strong belief that we can heal. We can get fixed. One day at a time.

  2. horsesrcumin June 8, 2015 at 12:28 am #

    Stink night, Flaca. Hopefully it is Baby Blues – not that I wish that on anyone, I had it from months eight to eighteen with my first, not in any way fun. But what I mean is I hope this passes. That said, I get it. I SOOOO get it. It messes a lot up. Forever. And learning whether you can cope forever is a long, slow process. Cuddle that wee man of yours when thinking about his old man makes you feel shitty xxx.

  3. pabloswife June 8, 2015 at 6:13 am #

    I so get this… have we settled by staying?? I guess we probably have. Who would want to be with someone who broke their heart, who was selfish, who did the one thing that most coupes agree is a deal breaker? We never actually had that discussion because I genuinely believed that infidelity would never be part of our story. How naive was I, were we?

    I too need to know that my husband knows what he did, that he should never forget what he came so close to losing for a piece of pit faced whore. I’m hoping that as time goes on the need to remind him wanes. I hope so. The desire to string him up by his balls has definitely waned since D Day so I guess there’s always hope!

    Congratulations on the arrival of the newest member of your family. And here’s to staying and trying to fix things… sometimes far easier said than done xx

  4. Phoenix June 8, 2015 at 8:52 am #

    Well, I never got the chance of feeling as if I have “settled” because my husband just left and divorced me without me ever getting the chance of the “second chance” and experiencing those feelings. But I know hurt and pain and baby blues as well, and I can definitely empathize with you. And you will NEVER know if you can trust him, you’ll just have to go out on faith. Simply stated, hard as all hell to do. But if you’re going to choose marriage, you have to just ride this roller coaster of a hellish situation through all phases of emotions. And there will be many, as you already know.
    My suggestion, concentrate on what you can control. Work on yourself. Continue to take care of the family, pray to God by yourself, together with the family and just do you. And when you feel that anger bubbling up, and for NO GOOD REASON, because I know that it does, you take yourself into a corner and pray. Pray hard and pray often. Staying in the marriage is hard, I’m sure, but going through a divorce is no picnic. You gonna have the same trust issues, unforgiveness, anger, all of it. You won’t like what I’m gonna say next, but just show your husband love and respect, even when you don’t feel like spitting on him, even if he were on fire. Your actions, your words, everything will change when he sees you changing your attitude towards him. Won’t happen overnight, I’m sure, but it will happen.
    I can say that because I am now having a better relationship with my ex-husband because I just started changing myself first, and then he had no choice but to start being kind to me. Took a few years, but it happened. How long will it last? IDK, but it’s happening now. And lastly, ask God for strength. For comfort and for peace. He’s the one that can and will give it to you if you ask. 🙂

  5. chickendarlin June 8, 2015 at 9:47 am #

    I remember the days of getting my digs in to my husband. How I felt vindicated when I got to remind him of exactly what he did and how much it hurt. I was relaying a conversation about just that to my best friend when she said to me, “He’s got to be tired of that.” Wait, what? And she said to me then, “This is all you ever talk about. If you’re not talking about it, you’re making little comments to him. Quite frankly, I wish you had left him because being reminded everyday of what a failure you are has to get old. Keep it up and he will leave you. Then, you will have proved to every gal he cheated with just how awful you really were.” I was shocked and angry. My best friend was not a fan of my husband, but it sounded like she was defending him. That b*tch.
    I stewed and stewed. And then, I realized she was right. I had to let it go. It was turning me ugly and I refused to be that person. So, I swallowed the comments. Thought I would lose my tongue. But, each day got better. Until, here I am. Where I enjoy my husband. Take it day by day. You’re not settling. And you don’t have a cheating husband. You have a husband who cheated. And you make a choice every day to have faith in your marriage. Whatever may happen in the future, you can survive. You made a choice to stay (which is the hardest thing to do), now, allow yourself to enjoy that choice 🙂

  6. shawnthewife June 10, 2015 at 8:31 am #

    (((Flaca))) Penance…we can’t initiate that for our WHs. THEY have to want to pay the price for their sins. THEY must show they are willing to do that through their actions. Words don’t mean squat. Punishment is a whipping horse of a different color! We do get to parcel that out at will. I think you and I were excellent at punishment. 😉

    Here’s the issue: At some point, we don’t WILLFULLY punish the WHs. I think the punishment becomes an automatic reflex. We still hurt so we lash out. Its kind of a lose/lose thing. We stay miserable as we continue to make the cheating bastards miserable. No constructive healing happening there.
    Maybe you can try what finally helped me.
    Focus on what your FWH is doing for you NOW. What is he doing for you today to show he is a changed, repentant man? THEN…he was a lying asshole. What is he NOW?

    It’s never easy to live in the moment, betrayed or not. It takes practice, but it was worth it for me. Daily gratitude helped, too.

    Pulling back on the punishment doesn’t mean he’s off the hook.
    It only means you’re giving yourself a break.
    Hope & Hugs, my friend.

  7. Bugsmetwo June 16, 2015 at 4:36 pm #

    Gosh I could have written your post as I too feel that I have settled. I too think if I am finally able to let it all go, the pain, the hurt, the betrayal, the lies, the sadness, the despair, the information I know, the information I found out, the knowledge that my husband failed me – that it will all just come crashing in on me and he will do it again. I will get hurt again and I cannot allow that. The anger is very raw still.

    Hugs to you and congrats on your baby. I hope you are having a better day today.

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