Being Pretty Ain’t Pretty

30 Sep

sexy pictures to a married manQuestion: I know I love my husband, I think I forgive him, I want to stay and I want to make it work. We are getting along fine. But I feel like I’ll never be able to enjoy sex with him again. I hate the way I look and I find myself thinking about the other woman every time he approaches me. I can’t help thinking he compares my 40 year old, 4th baby body and face to his 35 no children blond beautiful lover. I don’t know how my marriage will survive without sex. I had a nose job and a face-lift and I still don’t feel likeable or lovable. I’m going completely crazy. Your husband’s lover was your same age and not prettier than you but that’s not my case and it makes it all so much more difficult.  Am I Sexy? What is the Role of my Appearance in my Spouse’s Affair? By Anne Bercht – September 30, 2013

This is something I struggle with daily.  Always have.  I have always been self conscious about my looks.  Big deal you say, so does every woman.  I guess but i am not pretty and I know it.  I am attractive mostly because I am tall and thin.  But my nose is somewhat pronounced, my chin is pointy, my eyes are large and my forehead wide.  If I had to say I looked like a celebrity it’s usually Uma Thurman, see, she’s not traditionally pretty.  So I strive to find confidence in my intelligence and personality.

I have had guy friends tell  me that  “I would love to marry a girl like you. Smart, supportive, kind… ” then it trails off because they don’t want to say anything about my looks.  One time it was a very good looking friend, Rick, at a wedding who was drunk at the time, he’s so sweet and is a good friend to Green and I, and he had been dumped by a very nice and beautiful girl who found him to be too immature for marriage.  So at the time, in his heartbreak he said the same thing to me, about wanting a girl like me and then said, “Well look at me. I can pretty much get any girl I want.  She has to pretty.   But nice, funny and smart like you.”  We laughed at the last bit and he said, “You know what I mean.”   And I did.  I get it, I am not pretty in the way that girls in LA and Orange County are… believe me its tough out here!  But if I was, well then I would be the perfect girl to marry.   I still laugh when I remember that sloppy romantic yet pretty rude comment.   Stupid, sweet but pretty Rick.

I am embarrassed to admit that as a very skinny, very poor (I had out of style clothes) and very shy college freshman, I was invited to a pig party.   Like a naive idiot I fell for it.  I thought I was being invited to a party with the cool fraternity kids.  Hah! Luckily for me my roommate knew what was up and she let me down gently.   She took me bowling instead and showed me how to wax my eyebrows.  I thank her every two weeks when I get them redone, now.

One time, when I was 15, my dad was sitting at the dinner table… and for whatever reason he leaned over to me and exclaimed as if by surprise,” Wow. You are so ugly! I mean really ugly! How did you get so ugly?!” And then he just laughed and laughed. I’ll never forget that day.  I am my the only daughter in a family of sons – you’d think that would make me beautiful to my father.  My mom said nothing.  Let’s just say she wasn’t a great mom at the time.   I can’t even imagine saying something so cruel to my daughters.  Instead, I always greet them each morning by saying, “Good morning, pretty!” even when they are grouchy and covered in snot.   I’ll never forget what it felt like when my dad said those hateful things to me.

Anyway, when this hit my inbox today it was pretty timely.  I turned 40 a week ago, I didn’t want a big celebration because of well just everything, but we did go out dancing this weekend to celebrate and it was fun but I was tired early on.   Gone are those days of dancing all night!   I feel like sometimes my age and my ugliness caught up to me.  Green is 6 years younger than me.  It never really mattered, I thought.   When we first dated it was a thing that we got teased about because I was 27 and he was 21 because it wasn’t serious and dating Green was just a fun thing to do at the time,  I really had no idea we would go on to date for several years, get married and have kids.

I remember, too, when we first started dating Green once told me, “You know when we first met I didn’t find you attractive.  You’re just not my type.  But I love how you make me feel. You make me feel smart and important.  You talk to me about things that matter and I like how I feel when I’m around you.  You’re my get pretty girl.  You look good to me and I think your beautiful.”  Another backhand compliment?  Back then our sex life was very fun, active and invigorating.   But of course that cooled… and then having kids, work and life. Well that cooled it even further.  My looks I thought were OK, hell Green is no super model either.  Yet, I figured after we got married that I didn’t get fat after having the kids and often times people tell me I look great for my age so I thought I was doing ok.  But still very rarely am I told that I am pretty.

So odd that I would even care about something so shallow at all.  I mean I am a feminist who works in politics.  I work in a world dominated by men who work for other men.  What matters is your toughness, your ability to push people to your side… to wield power.   But if you follow politics you know the saying, “Politics is Hollywood for ugly people.”  I tend to agree but I usually work behind the scenes, I shy away from media work and publicity, I leave that to the pretty girls and boys on the Communications team.  Still there is no way to get around it.  Beauty matters.

So when Green cheated and said all of those mean things about me being old, ugly and boring. Well of course I believed them .  I still do.  I know has nothing to do with Green anymore really, its my own insecurities that are constantly eating at me.  Should I get a nose job?  A chin lift?  After nursing two babies my left boob is bigger than my right.  Should I have them fixed?  When I discovered the sexy photos that Maria the whore was sending my husband I was further convinced.  She IS tiny, petite, pretty and 15 years younger.   Her boobs were small but still perky (no kids) and she was his type she was petite, I am nearly as tall as Green and certainly taller than him in heels. Had he secretly disliked that about me all this time?  Maria was just plain pretty in the way that all 20 somethings are – small features, button nose, always styled hair… she looked always ready for a date night.

Of course in that space in my fractured opinion my lack of attractiveness made Green’s affair legitimate, somewhat.  And the sexual confidence in my self and my desire for sex was gone.   Somewhere in the pain of emotional rejection and physical infidelity I lost my mojo.  But unlike Elle @ Betrayed Wives I can’t to find myself back to that sexy trail.  The affair has been over for a year but I still have no sexual desire.  We never had the sexual highs of hysterical bonding.  I am not on medications so that’s not it.  I just don’t like it, I can’t get into sex anymore, its repulsive to me.  I can’t turn off the mind movies, I can’t turn off the horrible words, I can’t find myself appealing to Green at all.  My mind is filled with the notion that when we are having sex he is fantasizing about HER.  Thinking of her. Wishing he was with her.  

Green now tries to tell me that I am pretty.  He compliments my long legs and fit figure.  His cards always have some note about me, his super sexy wife.  But I know the truth. I know its just his way of making things up to me. He knows his words cut deep.  He admits he said them to hurt me. He said he was angry at this life and he blamed me. So to hurt me made him feel better. Validated his pain.  I can understand that – his pain, acting out, self destruction, etc.  I can even forgive it because I saw it.  But the lingering pain of being attacked for what Green says I lacked, an attractive appearance, and given my history about my looks, is something I struggle with.

I don’t know that I found any resolution out the blog post at the beginning, Am I Sexy? What is the Role of my Appearance in my Spouse’s Affair?,  by Anne Brecht.  It left me feeling a little unsettled. If only the OW had been ugly, old and lame maybe I could feel more confident in the whole thing being just a whore with no self-esteem.  But when she was pretty, young and fun to be with?  How does that make me look and feel? Hell Green took her to concerts, NBA games… he ditched me for her on New Years Eve!  How the fuck am I supposed to believe that I am pretty and fun?   Anne writes,

Husband’s who genuinely love their wives and are fully committed to them, say the biggest reason why they love their wife more than any other woman is because she is his wife, his best friend and the one he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with. In this no other woman can compete with you, not because you have to be better than other women, not because you’re prettier or younger, but because no other woman has shared “x” number of years with him, you are the mother of his children, and no other woman is the one that he has CHOSEN to spend his life with.

Ok, yeah I agree.  But mine cheated.  Forgiven or not it still hurts.  And it still makes me feel really really ugly.  So the sex, yeah for me its just dying a slow painful death. I fear where this will take my marriage, as Anne writes as well,

… a marriage will not survive without sex. Sex is essential. In the same way that wives connect with their husbands through talking (communication), men connect with and feel close to their wives through sex. It’s not optional.

So yet again, I am not really feeling resolved about how I feel about how my insecurities about my looks have anything to do with being a wife who got cheated on.   Am I just wandering, falsely feeling that I working on forgiven Green for his infidelity but knowing that  one day… he’ll face the shallow demons that that turned his head in the first place?  Sure she sent him the selfies that glorified her looks while I sat next to him on the couch wearing my tank tops and yoga pants.  A slob, me?  Hardly but when I didn’t know I was competing against a push up bra and fishnets… Now I know. Is this a battle I need to win? Or should I believe that, in my case, cheating doesn’t reflect on my appearance or lack of sex appeal?

If the security of your marriage and your husbands love for you is based on your physical appearance, than your marriage is too shallow.

There are many beautiful women in the world, and even many beautiful talented, kind-hearted women with great personalities. If the security of a marriage is based on being the best at all times, you’re fighting a losing battle. No woman or man can always be the best. Even beautiful, young super models are cheated on. Think of Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Anniston, and Jennifer Lopez. Being young and beautiful is no guarantee for keeping the love of a shallow man.

If your husband were to leave you and marry his young lover, he would cheat on her in a few years too, if this is all his character and morality are based upon.   

So yes… pretty girls get cheated on too.   And my husband is a shallow stupid ass.  Whoopty-fucking-do.  But no one tells them they got cheated on because they are ugly.  I have no idea what this long confusing post means. Maybe its just a case of the Monday’s or just me being bummed about getting older.

I do think I’ll get my boobs fixed though… I hate feeling lopsided.

25 Responses to “Being Pretty Ain’t Pretty”

  1. waikikipepper September 30, 2013 at 11:55 am #

    Get ’em fixed. And not for him…for you. If they bug you, if you tend to worry about what they look like, then go ahead and get them taken care of. It’ll be one less thing you fixate on when you’re trying to find some mojo. I gave a similar procedure as a gift to myself in the aftermath of D-day(against the guidance of our counselor who expressed strong reservations). I do NOT regret it.

    ps so glad you’re back Flaca.

    • Flaca September 30, 2013 at 5:42 pm #

      thanks, i think i will! i figured it is a little something to give myself!

  2. uneffingbelievable September 30, 2013 at 12:01 pm #

    I noticed something early on in your post that is very telling. “I love how you make me feel. You make me feel smart and important . . . “. That tells me it was all about HIM. How you made him feel about himself. We all like that, but there has to be more. You need to be respected for your beliefs, admired for your intellect, things that have nothing to do with him. I’ll bet along the way, with your job and your kids sucking up your time, that you didn’t make his feeling good about himself your priority. How dare you! Ha, Ha. I married the same type of man and have figured some things out through all this hell. I only served a purpose for him if I was propping up his ego. I was a living breathing mirror for him and when he’d become such a bastard that I reflected that as his mirror, that’s when he went hunting for a new one. Even though he’d been a self-involved, nasty, dismissive jerk, I was still supposed to tell him how wonderful he was. And I was punished when I stopped.

    It’s all very childlike. Children never see their parents as whole human beings, with lives and needs of their own. Kids see their parents as need-meeters. My husband admitted its how he saw me. Thought he was a good husband because I was fed and clothed and had a roof over my head. Simplistic. Like a child. Who wants to have sex with their child? And we know, maybe even subconsciously, that its the only thing sex is about for them. Meeting a need. Their need.

    I hope you can stop comparing yourself. Ive been told I’m beautiful my whole life and the whore he cheated with is nothing to look at and five years older than me. She just kissed his ass in a way I wasn’t capable of any longer. Because I knew what a bastard he was. And my beauty? Was just one more thing to show the outside world what a “special” guy he is. It all makes me sick. You are the most beautiful woman in the world to your children – and they’re opinion matters more than one hundred egomaniacal narcissists.

    • Flaca September 30, 2013 at 5:53 pm #

      you are spot on. my husband is a narcissist. i think i always knew it but it didn’t bother me because back before the affair it was that arrogance was “confidence.” and that attracted me. i felt validated by his looks, his confidence, his achievements. instead of trying to build him up i had let myself get lost.

      and yes, you are exactly right my husband’s selfishness was very immature. when my time got taken with kids, my career, keeping a home… he wasn’t my # 1 priority. and that made him feel less loved or validated. how stupid. and that is what the other woman (man) does, they step right in with the “oh you deserve to be happy” aka “you should be a selfish” line. both of them, in my case, were selfish, arrogant and narcissitic. my husband admits thats one of the reasons he ended things with her, he said, “she’s not a very nice person. she’s actually really selfish.” no, really???! he’s such an idiot.

      i have called him on his narcissism several times. he has come to admit that his behavior, and adultery, was selfish, arrogant and even just plain greedy. he says he’s working on it and in many ways he is much better.
      i know i have to stop comparing myself on the basis of ‘beauty’ its a long held insecurity of mine. my husband knew that and he knew it was a way to hurt me. i do try to make sure my daughters are confident so that they never feel this kind of insecurity themselves – its unhealthy and debilitating.

      thanks for your words of support!

  3. learning2trustagain September 30, 2013 at 12:02 pm #

    I hear your pain in this post and can relate. All of the childhood issues I had about my body came roaring back with the discovery of his affair. It does not help that he only gets better looking with age, while I am just getting older. I agree – a marriage cannot survive without sex. A wayward spouse once advised me when I was having the same issues as you are about sex to “just do it.” I hate to admit it, but he was right. Sometimes you need to overcome the anxiety of sex by just going through with it. Once you are in the throws of it, start focusing on how good it feels, and not wondering what it was like for him to have sex with her. Sure, my mind wanders still when we have sex, but I keep going, and usually, it fades away quickly. I know in my mind that he probably enjoyed sex with her, but, I tell myself that it’s me that he has chosen, and it’s me that he wants right now at this moment, and it’s me that is turning him on.

    • Flaca September 30, 2013 at 5:57 pm #

      i am working on it, thanks for the advice.

      actually, guess what? hah! just a few hours ago Green came home to pick some materials he needed for work. i talked him into bed and we had a quickie before he went back to work.
      it wasn’t fantastic, but it was ok, and i just kept pushing those thoughts away. it worked a bit. i know he enjoyed sex with her. he doesn’t like to admit but of course he did – why else would he destroy our marriage for crappy sex? so i just try to focus on what you said, “he’s here now, i’m the one he’s with… he DUMPED her for ME.” with time i am hopeful it will get better.

      thanks you for the support & understanding.

      • Ann October 1, 2013 at 11:29 am #

        I felt the same way about the sex part but my H said the sex was just ok, not great. He said most of the time he didn’t even look at her. For my H, It was the escape from work and stress (now he knows it just added more stress from lying).
        Also, don’t beat yourself up about what the OW looked like. My H’s was not pretty at all, she was very slutty looking…always wearing way too tight clothes and low cut shirts. She wasnt even someone he would have dated, if he was single. My H told me he was not looking for a replacement or a new wife, his OW was just convenient. He has explained his A using the analogy of being hungry but you don’t know what you want to eat…he was searching for something to fill the void he had and he thought sex was the answer.
        I have to keep reminding myself that it wasnt about her or me… It was about his low self esteem and ego.

  4. bombladoze September 30, 2013 at 3:05 pm #

    ive always been told i was pretty.. beautiful even… (from him and others, hes never swayed from that point since discovering he cheated which is… eh, i dont know) im not sure i ever truly believed it… i didnt look in the mirror and think UGH about my face… but now i just feel so tired, im sure i must look it… wtf ive got forehead wrinkles now. i swear theyre from trying to keep my eyes open to stop the crying! i do still get asked for ID tho…

    henry (what i call *her*)… actually kinda looks like me… her ethnicity is something im constantly mistaken for… shes a “beauty therapist” as well… but pfft… i think my biggest insecurity is the stretch marks on my tummy, he says he ‘likes them’ but it doesnt really matter whether he does or not… and my hair, my curly poofy hair i took to the brink of existence with a flat iron after d-day… but im fixing that! and its going splendiferously… (idk why i used that word)

    meh @ tiny and petite… shes a scrawny midget short ass!!! dont make too much about it. coz woman, im a scrawny midget short ass too, and i would kill for your legs!!! and so would she, so there! and as for her age. whatever. how could it possibly make her better than you? no, were not going to be young again, but shes going to be 40 one day too, will she be as smart and thoughtful and wonderful as you? shes pretty fucking stupid now and you know this. henry is 9 yrs younger than me… i was a dumbass at her age! gosh. saying it like that makes it feel like not all that long ago :/

  5. jolene September 30, 2013 at 4:42 pm #

    Your marriage does need sex to survive.. There is no point staying with him without sex. You need to start fucking the hell out of him or forget him. Pretty and sexy are not always one in the same. Real confidence is sexy and I bet your prettier than you think… In your life people have just known how to hurt you. Beat them at their own game. Dig down deep and pull out your confidence, not fake the real stuff.. Have your own mid life without compromising yourself. Do things you would never normally dare and blow Greens fucking mind. Or let him go.

    • Flaca September 30, 2013 at 6:01 pm #

      you’re right. i know that without sex my marriage will die. i guess that’s why i am concerned about my insecurities killing my sex drive. its as if the lies he told the OW about us not having sex anymore are actually coming true. it makes me mad.

      but as i mentioned to @learningtotrustagain, just this afternoon, after this post, we just had a mid-afternoon quickie! 😉 sorry for the TMI!
      i think he was surprised and pleased. the sex was just ok, but i think that with practice, i can learn to push those negative thoughts away. you are right, i refuse to let this marriage be lost to the OW on account of our sex life. this is yet another thing i refuse to let his skanky OW take away from me.

  6. jolene September 30, 2013 at 5:11 pm #

    This is the mistake I made with first husband. If you cut him off, he will be vulnerable to anything not just the pretty ones. My second husband only cheated once and when I was sick and not in condition to have sex, when it happened. Why d day hit the last thing I wanted is for his sexual needs to be unmet as there is always someone with fake confidence looking to help out, with the plot of taking over. Have sex or he will be driving to cheat again.

    • Our Journey After His Affair October 1, 2013 at 6:13 am #

      Ditto what Jolene said.

      P.S. Jolene, is that your real name or are you a former OW and using it bc of the song? Just curious. 🙂

      • jolene October 1, 2013 at 8:24 am #

        Not exactly…. My first husband I married very young. He cheated on me with over 12 different girls over the years. And I say girls.. 14 to 28… relationship lasted ten years three kids. In the end I let the bitches have him, they were my friends and relatives. I married my second husband and was. happy. Two of these OW live in the same town as me both I have know since we were kids. Years after the fact they gave me the nickname Holden because of the song.

      • jolene October 1, 2013 at 8:31 am #

        Typo Jolene …. I knew theses bitches well and they did look at it like I stole their man.. But I was indeed his wife…. They just didn’t get it… 13 years later my first husband remains single and not one of those bitches could hold him.

      • Jolene October 1, 2013 at 4:15 pm #

        My best friend of the last four years goes back with theses two also. They have never changed.. We know exactly how the other woman thinks we know them and have compared many notes. I know what makes them tick. We have all fought off and on for years, and have got along for short periods even. Most OW are immature even as they get older. They are unable to maintain long term relationships and never seem to find someone that really loves them, so they never learn, what good sex is. Plus in affair type situations there is not time..

      • Jolene October 1, 2013 at 4:17 pm #

        No time because he is always in a sense, under the gun, watching the clock… LOL

  7. Jolene September 30, 2013 at 6:51 pm #

    I am only a year and a half younger than you, and forty is not old..
    This is what you need to realize, the sex was not better than with you or he would not have chose you, he’s not lying.. And yes there was a part of the sex he enjoyed with the other woman but it is the same part that his hand and a dirty magazine would give him, along with the shame and guilt, really how great could that sex be?? Not great at all, far from…
    I don’t spend my days powdering and painting but… Once in a while I get a French manicure and when I do I ask him how my nails look wrapped around his >>>>… Also, even though I have a house keeper, I pretend to be washing the floor on hands and knees when he walks in, no make-up, pony tail, arched back… works every time, cant keep hands off.. And like a humming bird red and yellow are most attractive, if you feel insecure when out with him, wear one of these colors and every man in the room will notice you, including him. Nothing else will get his attention.. Humming birds like men like perfume that smells sweet like honey, but not to strong.. Act like he’s not watching and spray perfume on yourself on the small of your back, not all the time, but at least once. He will question you, be prepared… I don’t always like to get made up, myself, but red lipstick and mascara will alone take care of that, takes under a minute for both.. And I mean red… Oh and a long cheap string of pearls does wonderers when wrapped gently around his >>>>.

    Glad to hear you had sex, it is okay that it was only ok, fake it until you make it, the other woman faked it most of the time, you can bet on it… She could not stand up to you on any level, that you need to understand. It really wont take much at all to rock his world, and that will give you real confidence and will give you the power to make sure she or some one else doesn’t take anything from you.

  8. zenpoppy September 30, 2013 at 11:08 pm #

    It can be so hard to be a woman. We’re constantly judged on our looks and often we’re the hardest on ourselves! But you’re obviously a smart, kind, accomplished woman and those are definitely attractive qualities. Physical beauty fades but personality doesn’t! Your husband should be in the doghouse making you feel like more, not like less. He should thank his lucky stars that he’s fortunate enough to keep you as a wife!

  9. Wendy Powell October 1, 2013 at 3:36 am #

    It appears as though others, that have already commented, saw the same thing. Your husband may be a narcissist. It is important to figure this out because they don’t care if they hurt you and this makes them dangerous. He could physically hurt you in addition to the emotional beating you are taking. I have written a couple of posts that might help you determine if he is a narcissist.

    • Flaca October 1, 2013 at 9:51 am #

      thank you for commenting & sharing. i visited your site several of your posts are very insightful and interesting. truthfully i have never worried about my ‘physical’ safety around my husband. even after discovering his affair and the angry fallout, he did rage and he did act out but never at me physically. but i am not ignoring anything. after his conduct at having the affair, lying and manipulating me, i take nothing for granted anymore. he is capable of anything and that’s what i am working on resolving – is it something that can be dealt with & can i accept that?

      • Wendy Powell October 1, 2013 at 4:15 pm #

        (I think that I already replied, but I did it on my phone and I’m not sure if it got lost…)

        Thanks. My “ex” did not get violent until I stood up to him. If you are starting to take another look at this relationship, you might be entering new territory with him. Just be careful, they are trying to control you.

  10. amanda October 2, 2013 at 2:44 pm #

    This post is heartbreaking. My daughter and I have conversations like this every so often. She is drop dead gorgeous with a body that should be under a burqa. I had never focused on that when she was growing up. Not ever. She is just about 16 now. When she got older and girls started finding things to pick on her about because they certainly couldn’t call her ugly, I warned her that its gonna keep coming because of her looks and wonderful personality (lovely, incredibly funny, smart, etc). I think because I did not focus on her looks too much when she was younger, she has confidence about the things that are most important. And they ARE the most important things. Anyone at anytime can lose their looks…cancer, burns, accident, age, etc) but likely they will ALWAYS have their personality and intellect, or whatever it is they always had, with or without good looks. (unless, of course, you find yourself getting something that eats up the mind).
    So anyway, confidence is what she is most proud of, and what gets her through the times when girls find something to hurt her with. And her confidence is what keeps her from being effected by it.
    Point being, Flaca, CONFIDENCE is key. We can only get that by working on ourselves and having a strong grasp of what is really important. Did you see the movie Shallow Hal? I HIGHLY recommend it.
    Now I know I may sound a tad hypocritical due to my many comments and posts about my husband’s whore being absolutely HIDEOUS on the outside but most importantly a despicable human being–sociopath, no college, can’t string a sentence together–and all of this is a comfort. Had it been any other scenario, I would definitely feel the way you feel. I was very lucky. But the reason I take that my whore is “much less attractive than me” and run with it is because you’re right about looks being “important” (can’t find another word, but I don’t like it), and being a fellow Californian and living in L.A. for much of my young adult years, I am well aware of this. So her fat ugliness, outside and in, was something that comforted me and more things I could “hurt” her with. I am workin’ everything I possibly can, using ALL of my weapons possible! And she deserves every bit of it, being that she tried desperately to play on the things that would hurt any woman in her delightful emails (and all of those things are RIDICULOUS lies (or grossly exaggerations) absolutely intended to hurt HIM via me–she certainly couldn’t say that he told her she was prettier or even pretty. Maybe for Ohio she is a looker. I don’t know. In fact, he was disgusted by everything about her–and that is 100% true! So I am very lucky. And there is NOTHING shallow about me–just using my tools!
    HOWEVER, you MUST find yourself some confidence and remember what you teach your daughters-teach it to yourself, too. Looks can be “helped” and “changed” and I have NO objection to it, so long as it is FOR YOU and not FOR HIM TO LIKE YOU BETTER.
    Sorry so long. But your post moved me deeply.

  11. Moddie October 5, 2013 at 5:37 am #

    Honey, there’s a very good reason why you don’t want to have sex with him. Not only did your husband cheat on you, devastating enough by itself, but to then say those maliciously cruel words and emotionally attack you when you’re already down and at your most vulnerable?! Its a double betrayal and I can’t imagine it. Of course your sense of safety and self-esteem has been obliterated. I personally couldn’t stay with someone capable of such intentional cruelty. The truth is you don’t trust him with good reason and he appears to react violently when he doesnt get his way. While you may not fear for your physical safety, I definitely fear for your emotional safety. You indicated that “he is capable of anything and that’s what i am working on resolving – is it something that can be dealt with & can i accept that?” You cannot resolve that, he must and if he can’t, or hasn’t started to by now, can or should you accept it? For yourself, more importantly for your daughters? I don’t know about you, but after my husbands infidelity, I used this “opportunity” to create the marriage I have always wanted, no more accepting the unacceptable or excusing the inexcusable, tolerating the intolerable. I had settled in my marriage because I thought with all his faults, he loved me and would never hurt me. Look where that got me?! So, no longer was I settling for his laziness, tolerating his selfish, incessant gaming, and other “quirks”.. The ultimatum I gave him was that if I was to stay a lot, of things had to change. Fortunately, for us, he was more than willing to meet me half way and embraced his role in my healing in whatever form it took. And we shouldn’t settle for anything less. We sure as shit didn’t deserve what they did to us, so the least they can do is help us reinvent the relationship into something better.
    And unlike the others, I disagree that faking it until you make it is the answer unless you truly enjoy it and helps you heal. If it doesn’t, then don’t do it. Too long have women been taught to fake it for men, outting their needs before our own. But hint, if you have to fake it, it’s not good. I have read too many blogs where women are encouraged to do what is right for their marriage, continuing to sacrifice their own needs, (convincing themselves it’s what they must do) at the price of their own recovery. Years later, they’re still struggling and sometimes resentfull and think the problem is themselves. .Know that your recovery as an individual woman is not necessarily linked to the recovery of the marriage. Do what feels right for you and guage if he is really atoning and doing what you need him to do to redeem himself.
    BTW, I love Anne’s article, I couldn’t agree with her more.
    Take care of yourself, the rest will follow.

  12. Paula October 8, 2013 at 6:28 pm #

    Flaca, just to share, I always struggled with the way I look, too. I am curvy,bright rehead, with porcelain 45-year-old-looked-32-before-this-shit face – curves in that va-va voom way, all very pin up girl, so working out and watching what goes in my mouth (haha!) are a way of life. We had a fantastic 21 years before his affair – hot sex most days of the week, etc, good sex on the ones in between. For the two years after – even better, if possible, then I struggled, like I all-of-a-sudden got the disgust. I was disgusted in him (we got diseases) and I was more disgusted in me – for “rewarding” his shitty behaviour with even better sex! So, my nightmares (which I have had every night for the past four plus years now) became my problem – I can’t shake the mind movies – I just get started, and there she is, rubbing her filth all over the pair of us, or whatever else my overactive imagination comes up with – I won’t make you guys vomit – but that is what happens to me now, if he so much as touches me, my skin crawls, and I get a gag reflex, so trying to shag when trying to stop yourself from spewing, is pretty damn hard! God, it is unbelievable – it happens if I think about ANY kind of sex, including masturbation – so, I haven’t had a bloody O in two years, not even with myself, and any I have had have been pathetic, shrivelling little excuses for the big O, whoops, was that one??? I could scream with sexual frustration – and I/we saw a sex therapist (gulp, isn’t that for frigid uptight women – oh, that’s right, that is me now, WTF!!) for six months, no luck. I want to kill HER for robbing me of this so essential part of who I was – let alone my relationship of the very thing that grouted the tiles of how we “belonged” together. Ugh, so damn sick of this shit.

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