In the News

13 Apr

Scene- DIY project Sunday. This weekend its replacing ugly mirrored closet doors in our bedrooms. Pushing them out of the house – it takes us both to move them. They are massively tall and weigh about 200 lbs each.  Kiddos- Ditto and Dot are playing ‘house’ in sunroom.  Huey Lewis & the News’ ‘If this is it’ is on the radio.

Flaca-  Sometimes I think we should give in and get divorced and end it all like Huey Lewis says. Are we happy or just avoiding fights?

Green-  No. Come on.. What does he say?

Flaca- singing, badly, ” If this is it, I want to know…. If this ain’t love, baby, Just say so… You’ve been thinking,  And I’ve been drinking, We both know that it’s, Just not right….”

Green, interrupts, –  Oh hell no, come on. No. No one listens to Huey. What does he know? Everyone knows that you listen to the News. You never listen to Huey.

And so we exist.  Moving on or moving past? Or just moving so we don’t have to stop and suffer the silence?

Travel Triggers

24 Jan

My new job has me traveling a ton for work.  In the last three weeks I have only been home on the weekends.

It’s not bad really and although I am away from my kids I am not gonna lie I needed the break of a new job and travel to find myself again.  Green owes me anyway… how many night did he have ‘off’ before and during our separation when he said he was working late and he was instead in some dirty motel cheating? Not coming home?

I know its hard for him… I hear him patiently tell the girls to get to bed when we speak at night. He doesn’t complain. He encourages me in my new job.  He should but sometimes I wonder how much of it he sees as penance.  What’s worse is that I can’t even imagine the nutty outfits he dresses them in for school everyday and the hair styles.  At least Ditto has a school uniform.

Due to the nature of my work I am luckily enough to stay in pretty nice hotels.  I have a lot of meetings (not those kind!) in hotels with colleagues and staff so they tend to be nicer 4 or 5 star varieties that are safe, cozy and in some cases pretty luxe and swanky.

Not tonight.

I got stuck in a freeze sweeping across Louisiana and instead of returning back to cool New Orleans for the night I am being put up at a sort of grungy motel.

no-tell-motelUgh. The triggers. Mind movies.  What a night it will be!

All I can think of is the dirty acts that Green and Maria acted out in a similar place.  Oddly enough the other hotels I stay at didn’t trigger me in the way that this room… where I currently sit and type is bothering the shit out of me.   Green never spent money on a nice place for them.  This is the kind of setting he chose to for date nights and rendezvous for his cheap whore. Gross.  I guess for Green and his whore taste nor standards were required when you want to just wanted to be ‘naughty’ and ‘fun.’

Still the room looks clean enough, the hotel is remodeled, the sheets are bright white… but ugh… the suspicion lingers.  I know I shouldn’t be so sensitive. I thought my triggers were evaporating… nope, I guess not.

Green has called me three times to check on me but I am not taking his calls. Hearing his voice in this setting with the intense feelings I am having is just going to set me up for bitchy, snarky comments, more feelings of rage and of course a fight.  I can’t deal with that right now. It’s too cold out.  I’m tired from traveling all week. If I wasn’t afraid of sleeping late and missing my morning flight home I’d take a sleeping pill and force myself to sleep.

I wish I could just silence the voices… quiet the images.

Call me a Bitch but so is Karma

23 Jan

karma2So is it terrible that I am a tiny bit happy that Tori Spelling the married woman/celebrity, and former Other Woman, has been bit in the ass by karma when her now unfaithful-to-her husband cheated on her!  Jeez! Don’t we say this all the time…

“If they cheated WITH you… They will certainly cheat ON you!”

I know it’s a terrible person to be – to be happy for her pain. But as a betrayed spouse I am cheering for the former Mrs. Dean McDermott.  I should have sympathy for Tori Spelling as a betrayed spouse but honestly I don’t.  She was married. He was married.  They had an affair and hurt their spouses deeply.   I bet they both used the line that darling Dean used to lure his last slutty affair partner to bed… the old line, “We have a sexless marriage.”

MORONS.

I only feel bad for the kids.  Now Tori knows how the betrayed spouse feels. Sucks doesn’t it, Tori?!

Ugh, now I feel bad for feeling good about Karma.

In other news, today is my 1 year anniversary of blogging! Yay!  I am working everyday to survive the pain of infidelity and become a better person in spite of it and blogging has helped me get stronger.  (Despite relapses like today when I am a karma fan and ‘other woman’ hater.)

You my readers make it a worthy journey toward healing – so thank you for kind words, your challenges, your critiques and your friendship.  Cheaters don’t know what a real connection is… I do.  I feel connected to you, even if only virtually, when I read your comments, your stories and your words on your blogs. Thanks again as always for sharing this space with me – we’ll get through this together.

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