3 years ago today the snake that would become my husband’s mistress had the gall to slither into my home as a guest for our daughters birthday party. At the time Green says the affair had not yet begun but I know they had already been flirting. He was already interested in her. Phone records from that time and that day indicate that the text chatter between Green and Maria-the-whore was already inappropriate. It would be two weeks later that they would consummate their filthy relationship with the typical motel room fuck fest after a ‘work happy hour.’ So fucking happy.
Scene- DIY project Sunday. This weekend its replacing ugly mirrored closet doors in our bedrooms. Pushing them out of the house – it takes us both to move them. They are massively tall and weigh about 200 lbs each. Kiddos- Ditto and Dot are playing ‘house’ in sunroom. Huey Lewis & the News’ ‘If this is it’ is on the radio.
Flaca- Sometimes I think we should give in and get divorced and end it all like Huey Lewis says. Are we happy or just avoiding fights?
Green- No. Come on.. What does he say?
Flaca- singing, badly, ” If this is it, I want to know…. If this ain’t love, baby, Just say so… You’ve been thinking, And I’ve been drinking, We both know that it’s, Just not right….”
Green, interrupts, – Oh hell no, come on. No. No one listens to Huey. What does he know? Everyone knows that you listen to the News. You never listen to Huey.
And so we exist. Moving on or moving past? Or just moving so we don’t have to stop and suffer the silence?
My new job has me traveling a ton for work. In the last three weeks I have only been home on the weekends.
It’s not bad really and although I am away from my kids I am not gonna lie I needed the break of a new job and travel to find myself again. Green owes me anyway… how many night did he have ‘off’ before and during our separation when he said he was working late and he was instead in some dirty motel cheating? Not coming home?
I know its hard for him… I hear him patiently tell the girls to get to bed when we speak at night. He doesn’t complain. He encourages me in my new job. He should but sometimes I wonder how much of it he sees as penance. What’s worse is that I can’t even imagine the nutty outfits he dresses them in for school everyday and the hair styles. At least Ditto has a school uniform.
Due to the nature of my work I am luckily enough to stay in pretty nice hotels. I have a lot of meetings (not those kind!) in hotels with colleagues and staff so they tend to be nicer 4 or 5 star varieties that are safe, cozy and in some cases pretty luxe and swanky.
I got stuck in a freeze sweeping across Louisiana and instead of returning back to cool New Orleans for the night I am being put up at a sort of grungy motel.
Ugh. The triggers. Mind movies. What a night it will be!
All I can think of is the dirty acts that Green and Maria acted out in a similar place. Oddly enough the other hotels I stay at didn’t trigger me in the way that this room… where I currently sit and type is bothering the shit out of me. Green never spent money on a nice place for them. This is the kind of setting he chose to for date nights and rendezvous for his cheap whore. Gross. I guess for Green and his whore taste nor standards were required when you want to just wanted to be ‘naughty’ and ‘fun.’
Still the room looks clean enough, the hotel is remodeled, the sheets are bright white… but ugh… the suspicion lingers. I know I shouldn’t be so sensitive. I thought my triggers were evaporating… nope, I guess not.
Green has called me three times to check on me but I am not taking his calls. Hearing his voice in this setting with the intense feelings I am having is just going to set me up for bitchy, snarky comments, more feelings of rage and of course a fight. I can’t deal with that right now. It’s too cold out. I’m tired from traveling all week. If I wasn’t afraid of sleeping late and missing my morning flight home I’d take a sleeping pill and force myself to sleep.
I wish I could just silence the voices… quiet the images.