So its been a while since I last blogged. About 4 weeks ago I had a big change in taking on a new job which has me traveling and commuting… something I have not done too much in the last three years. It’s a good change though. I needed to be nudged out of my home office into the real world again. (More about that later.)
Yet besides the hustle and bustle of the holidays nothing much has changed in my marriage… We are friendlier. And yet we are in a holding pattern it seems. It was over two years ago that Green started his affair and its been about 18 months ago that the affair fully ended.
- We still struggle with the issues that infidelity has wrought upon our family.
- Green still struggles with his own shame and ‘making it’ up to me.
- I still struggle with my fractured self esteem and in being intimate with him.
- Yet WE still persevere.
Today is our anniversary. It’s the anniversary our of ‘secret’ marriage the one we had the year before we got ‘publicly’ married. We got married because we had already been long engaged but we needed to get him on my insurance. I actually didn’t want to get married then but Green was totally into it – he in fact planned the whole thing. We got married at City Hall in San Francisco… if you have ever been there it is THE nicest city hall marriage you will ever see. I regret not taking it more seriously – getting a fancy dress, a photographer, etc…. but at the time we were broke, Green was in law school and I was working non-stop (I had flown in the night before and flew out the next night) and yet looking back now… it was a much sweeter, romantic and authentic wedding ceremony.
We had no guests. Our only witness was my intern. HAH! Green coordinated with her to pick my bouquet. It was stunning…sweet peas and lily of the valley. Looking back now it was silly to keep it secret. At the time we foolishly didn’t to deal with the drama of our families who would feel slighted at not being included. Now I think… who cares? It was OUR wedding not theirs.
Anyway, I forgot our ‘real’ anniversary date was today. We never really celebrated it until very recently. We always used the summer date of the following year when we had a HUGE blowout ceremony and reception in So. California. The reason we started recognizing it, oddly enough, is actually because of Green’s affair. You see, after I threw him out in January of 2012 I needed to know the actual date we got married to initiate the divorce proceedings. I had so disregarded our ‘secret’ ceremony that I didn’t even know the date… was it December 19th, 20th? Or 21st?
I had no clue where the marriage certificate even was! So when I finally dug up the marriage certificate that date finally got burned into my mind. December 20th. Only then as I was preparing for a very nasty divorce on the heels of my heartbreak, his deceit and his disgusting infidelity did that fact burn itself into my brain. So romantic.
Later on when I was changing passwords on some previously joint account between us I would go on to use that date as a password. My thoughts at the time were, “Well fuck…. Here is a date that scumbag Green will never figure out! I bet his cheating ass probably doesn’t even remember when we REALLY got married!” (Never-mind that I had forgotten it too.)
Well oddly enough six months later we were trying to reconcile. I had kept using the password but still didn’t trust Green enough to give him this particular password. Still a few months later we were in a store and a sales clerk innocently asked us for that password. I was silent and angry that I would have to reveal it to him and to the clueless clerk who had no idea what she was asking me to do. Nervously I tried to make a joke of it. I told her the password with a smirk.
Green looked at me curiously. Being snarky I couldn’t resist and commented to him, “Good password, right? I bet you have no fucking idea what it means.”
He stared at me blankly. I was so pissed off! So what if I had previously forgotten it, too? “I wasn’t the cheating spouse!” I thought to myself angrily.
The clueless clerk kept processing our purchase and Green leaned over and said, “Well? What does it mean?”
“Its our wedding date your fucking moron!” I hissed back at him. “I figured it was a date that you probably observed by fucking your whore and taking her to a romantic holiday dinner to giver her Christmas gift. Right? Right?!”
Green was quiet. The clerk didn’t hear (or pretended not to) and we walked out and on our way back our lives. On the way home I fumed and then I forgot about the episode. Eventually as part of reconciliation I would reset our passwords again to something we both agreed on. The date was filed away again. To be forgotten, I thought.
A few months later, last year Green gave me a gift on December 20th with a promise to never forget our anniversary again. I did not get him a gift or acknowledge the date. I was stunned by his rememberance of it but frankly I was still hurt. We were only a few months in our delicate reconciliation and it felt forced and fake.
Well this year he did the same. He remembered. I forgot. Again.
Today Green’s card was, “Happy Anniversary to My Better Half” and inside he wrote,
I love you cookie! This day takes me back to all the good times we had when we lived in the City. Our life then was harder but in many ways it was easier. It was us against the world. I want us to go back to that feeling, not that you have ever changed. I want to prove myself to you everyday and I hope that you can see that. We have two amazing little daughters and we have an amazing life ahead of us. I hope you like the gift.
Love always, Green
Well you can imagine my surprise! It was sweet and caught me completely off guard. I had no idea that was coming. With the stress of the holidays and transitioning to my new job I had totally forgotten about it. But Green didn’t. He saw it as an opportunity to heal us and show me that there did exist love from him to me. Something I doubt quite often. It was sweet and I felt spoiled. This was the lovely watch he gave me. (It’s Kate Spade. It’s red! And I love it!) Inside the watch are inscribed the words, “It’s a Red Letter Day.” Here I include, because I am nerd and always looking for meaning in things, the meaning of a Red Letter Day. It made me so happy to see that little inscription.
In its modern figurative sense, red-letter means happy, memorable, of special significance. It can be used in a wide range of situations, as in “the award banquet was a red-letter occasion.” But the most commonly used contemporary form is red-letter day, a special day to remember, as if marked in red letters.
From now on… on December 20th I will always remember that indeed it is a Red Letter Day! It’s a day I promise to not forget or to honor. Maybe not always with fancy gifts but with authentic love and affection for my special, if damaged, sweet and loving husband Green.