The high cost of anger

14 Nov

lady-justice-269x300Friends let this be a lesson to you.

Don’t hit or slap a cheating spouse. 

It might feel good. They might allow it.  They may let you rage and strike them in an effort to convey the pain you feel.  Or they might not.  And you might get arrested.

In my case, Green used it as a tool to get back at me. His anger at being removed from our home by the Sheriff months earlier was now getting me arrested. What sweet pay back he must of felt!

All I know is that the momentary pleasure I took from it was fleeting.

I am now stuck with two more years of 3 year long probationary period and a conviction for a misdemeanor on my record. (I hadn’t even had a driving ticket in over 10 years!) More than that I am labeled with a restraining order that prevents me of all things “harassing” Green.  We had to beg a judge to LET US live together to raise our kids and not have to maintain and pay for two separate households.

I need to BREATHE.

I don’t feel anger, really.  I mostly feel a deep pain of being treated that way.  Humiliated.  Discarded. Persecuted. As if the cheating hadn’t been enough.

I can actually forgive Green now. I know he feels bad.  But it was a shitty shitty experience.   I see how the absurdity of my life during his affair, after it and the consequences of his selfishness, his anger and his infidelity seem unforgivable.  I struggle with not letting this episode consume me.  Trigger much?

Sigh.

So tomorrow morning I have head into court to pay my fines, penalties $600.00 and get scolded by the judge for striking my husband in the Spring of 2012.  I finally finished my horrible and fake Anger Management classes – all 52 weeks of them.  What a great use of $1,500.00!  The lawyer I had to retain was another $1,000.00.  Add on top of that my non-refundable bond to bail me out of jail when I was arrested… $5,000? Wow…I guess I never did the math. All in all, I/we spent over $8,000 to resolve the case of domestic violence charges my cheating husband had me arrested for when I slapped him on DDay #2.

Damn!  Really, it doesn’t make me mad anymore (maybe those anger management classes worked???) …. its just so annoying… just thinking of all that wasted money. That could have been several nice vacations, our mortgage for a few months…. for that amount of money I should have just left him, took a leave of absence and went out to live and sort things out on my own.

I am not looking forward to court tomorrow. Send me good thoughts friends.  I’ll need it.

** I know I will draw “you are a doormat” or “you are pathetic” comments… as I have said before to the Troll’s they will be deleted.  Why don’t you focus on your own screwed up need to feel superior to people? I don’t offer my experiences for you to make fun of, loser.  How proud your parents must be of you?!  

And dear reader if this triggered you I am sorry.

I do not mean to hurt you. I just feeling a bit disjointed and need to post to get it out. 

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26 Responses to “The high cost of anger”

  1. Amanda November 14, 2013 at 11:07 pm #

    The injustice of it all is infuriating!!! Just reading it makes me want to slap Green myself, and RB while I’m at it…but, you want positive thoughts and words. Shit, Flaca, that’s hard for me!! But here goes. Good luck tomorrow. Chin up. Or maybe down, so you appear sorry and remorseful. I can’t say another word about it because my thoughts are all on the injustice of it all. I will end with good luck and I am thinking of you.

    • Flaca November 14, 2013 at 11:13 pm #

      Thanks lady! You’re the best!

      Yep, tomorrow I have to pretend to be remorseful. I actually am. It was so NOT worth it. It degraded me, actually. And I allowed Green’s flaws to CHANGE ME. I should have kept it together and just handled my shit.

      I have vowed to never let that happen again.

      I am hoping it will be ok. My new judge is actually really nice! I like her a lot, she actually extended my class time and knocked off some of the fees. Too bad I didn’t have her the first go round!

      It’s not worth getting angry about anymore. It happened. Like the cheating. He lied. He was an UGLY UGLY person back then. We learn & I have to push through.

      Just a very expensive lesson.

      I don’t trust ANYONE anymore.

      • Kim November 15, 2013 at 7:17 am #

        Well Mrs. Flaca, I feel ya. I just bonded out of jail last night……..my ‘SocioNarc’ (sociopath, narcissitic) husband had me arrested Wed. night because I went to his house to pick up papers (son’s school tuition and financial info) and he wouldn’t give them to me. I was so upset I started throwing papers everywhere in his office. He called the police and said that I scratched him…….WTH? He is 6’1″, 210 lbs., I am 5’3″ 110lbs…..He is just mad because I served him with divorce papers, financial discovery motions and took 1/2 of OUR money out of our accounts. AND he is mad because I won’t stay married to him and ‘allow’ him to continue to be with his mistress! How crazy is that? My ‘SocioNarc’ husband has not woken up from his affair fog yet & I doubt he will. The tramp he is with lives 1300 miles away and is a wicked, evil troll. My husband is very much responsible also but this is what she does. She sinks her teeth into married men, drains their bank accounts, 1/2 of them lose their families, then when she is done with them, she dumps them and moves on. My 1st DDay was July 15th, I stayed with my husband until Oct 2nd because he wouldn’t break it off with her. He even met her the week of my 40th bday !! And so did the PI I hired 🙂 I have had several DDay’s. I have read your blog and it has helped me see that I am not crazy or worthless. His affair is not my fault. Yes, there were problems in the marriage but he should’ve talked to me about them instead of going off and sleeping with someone. Anyway, just wanted to chime in about the criminal activity since that is another thing that we share, unfortunately. Good luck in court, today!

      • Renee April 30, 2014 at 11:57 am #

        I knew there were women out there that suffered the way I did when I found out for sure that my husband was cheating. The signs were there and I followed them all up with accusations. He told me I was crazy repeatedly and even dragged the kids into the middle and telling them I was just psycho. I dealt with his torture for 10 months and in between there he had me arrested when he falsley accused me of slapping him. By then I had lost 30 pounds and was 106 pounds standing at 5’3. He was 6’2. The police believed him and I went to jail. Arrested in front of my kids – And his mistress was on the phone laughing at me when it happened. I can truly say he tortured me by the time his skank told me the truth and bragged about having sex for the first time in my bed. It was devastating for me and I fell apart every day.

        We are divorced now and he is playing house with her. I deal with the anger every day. People dont understand the emotional beating infidelity really is. And being a victim of it has lasting effects. You arent alone,

  2. zenpoppy November 14, 2013 at 11:16 pm #

    I’m trying to be really encouraging too but it’s hard! Your husband is such an asshole. He gave you a std and got you arrested!??! I wish I could go over there and slap him for you. All I can say is you’re a strong, big hearted woman and you deserve absolute fidelity and a lot of diamonds. Ugh. Men!!

    • Flaca November 14, 2013 at 11:23 pm #

      Oh, damn. I forgot about the STD!

      Hah. I think I have amnesia from the trauma of it all.

      But seriously, as a person of faith, I cling to this passage & it gets me through.

      Love for Enemies, Luke 6:27-28

      27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”

      I actually use this passage a lot with my campaign staff. Not the religious part but as a way to let them know that it’s best to KILL WITH KINDNESS. Mean people don’t know how to respond to kindness. It’s scumbag kryptonite! 🙂

      • zenpoppy November 14, 2013 at 11:38 pm #

        But he’s your husband. He’s not supposed to be your enemy. I’m sorry, I’m not being a good help tonight. You’re clearly a much bigger person than I am on many different levels. I just feel like you deserve so much better. 😦

        Maybe this is a good thing in the long run. It’ll force him to be the better man that you deserve.

      • Flaca November 14, 2013 at 11:48 pm #

        Don’t feel bad. I would not post these details if I was still really hurt about them. I am not ashamed. Green was an asshole. He admits it. I offer this as my experience and as my perspective. It happened to me.

        Believe me I heard WORSE stories in my anger management classes. One cheating husband man put his pregnant wife in jail after she slapped him & she couldn’t bail out for 3 days! We are actually good friends now. Hah! Silver linings?

        But yes you are right. Green’s my husband. He’s not supposed to be my enemy. He’s not supposed to cheat and lie. But he did. Sometimes good people do bad things. Especially when they are in a messed up place and do really messed up things. (I actually need to finish telling that part of the story…) I look at it like an addict who was very ill and did lots of destructive things.

        That being said. It wont happen again. I paid my dues. I took the high road already. As BetrayedSpouse1981 has said, “I am a Christian but I am not Christ!” I am no saint and this part of my forgiveness is my final gift to my husband. And to myself.

      • zenpoppy November 14, 2013 at 11:41 pm #

        But he’s your husband. He’s not really supposed to be your enemy. I’m sorry, I’ll shut up now. I just feel like you deserve so much better. But maybe this is a good thing in the long run. It’ll force your husband to be that better man that you deserve.

  3. uneffingbelievable November 14, 2013 at 11:58 pm #

    I have never struck another person in my life, but when my husband was telling me some details of his affair, I slapped his face. He’s 6’3, 210 lbs. and I nearly knocked him down. For a while he threw that in my face. I finally got sick of it and asked if his face still hurt. He, of course, said no. I asked what it was about that slap that still bothered him so much. Was it the humiliation? My doing something awful to him without his consent? The pain inflicted on him by someone who was supposed to love him? He said yes. I then looked him dead in the eye and said “Well, you’ve been slapping my face several times a day for two years.” That put it in perspective for him and shut him the hell up! Good luck in court. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Green really should have taken that slap like the man who deserved it.

    • Flaca November 15, 2013 at 12:02 am #

      I said the same thing to Green!

      I told him that slap was like what his cheating was to me. It was intended to be disrespectful, mean and abusive. Green actually understood that concept! Sometimes he’s smart but sometimes he’s a dumb-ass.

      I know he regrets it. He told me I could punch him after court tomorrow if I am upset. LOL. I’ll try to restrain myself. 😉

  4. uneffingbelievable November 15, 2013 at 12:04 am #

    Oooh! Permission to punch! Too good to pass up! JK, good luck to both of you!

    • Flaca November 15, 2013 at 12:05 am #

      I know, right?!

      🙂

      Goodnight!

  5. bombladoze November 15, 2013 at 1:27 am #

    do it like this http://static.fjcdn.com/gifs/He+Mad.+Teehee_855af2_3241951.gif
    s’what i did… plus a knee in the ribs…
    i felt sick about it at the time… but honestly… im not all that sorry. i threw bikes at him, i slammed doors on him…

    yeah. i did that. cheating on me… feels like that.

    i SHOULD have been locked up. in a white room. with medication. im sorry you had to go through all that.

    btw… what do you reckon? your first judge is a cheating son of a bitch?

  6. Kate M. November 15, 2013 at 3:52 am #

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. I guess I’m fortunate that my husband didn’t take that route, because I certainly lost my shit on him several times in that first week or so after Dday. I had never hit him in 9 years together… but man, did I become an unrecognizable entity of pain and fury. I hit him, I broke things, I ran my car into his truck in the driveway. She is the bunny boiler type and was harassing & stalking us- and all of this happened during the holiday season. I was so angry that he had brought a person like this into our lives, I’m really glad you got a new judge- sounds like she’s much more empathetic to your situation.

  7. amanda November 15, 2013 at 6:14 am #

    I think it’s a RARE betrayed wife who DOESN’T slap her husband and kick him in the nuts.
    So don’t “beat yourself up” about it! If my husband had reported any such thing, “true or not”, would have punched him harder. But again, we are here to support you. And I don’t condone violence in any way, of course. It’s just a natural reaction. Seriously? Have you seen a movie where the wife finds out and doesn’t slap or hit her husband? I haven’t! Good luck. And glad you have a female judge. Sadly, it appears to make a difference. It shouldn’t, though. But that’s life, I guess.

  8. bubsyd November 15, 2013 at 6:30 am #

    Not much that I can add that hasn’t already been said! I envisaged myself sticking a knife in my H many times. I didn’t want to end his life, just hurt him as deep as I’d been hurt. Ironically I think leaving him would have hurt him more than stabbing him. Or course I didn’t do either. I have hit though, several times, once when he was driving the car (kids weren’t in it at the time). Lost count of the amount of wine I’ve thrown in his face. On DDay I lay into him, didn’t know myself, beat him with my fists. I asked him since why he didn’t defend himself, why he just sat there and took it? He said because he deserved it. Glad he saw that and just took it like a man. I seem to have my anger under control now – I hope! Like you said, your H was in a bad place. I’m sure if he could take all of it back now, he would. Good luck with everything. Remember, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger xx

  9. fenix November 15, 2013 at 6:56 am #

    I admire you so much for being able to let this go for your family and I wish your anger management therapist was here in my city because if he can get someone to forgive that he must be pretty damn good!

  10. tryinghard November 15, 2013 at 7:01 am #

    I could have so been in your shoes!!! I could have been arrested on at least 4 occasions and wasn’t by the grace of God! Prayers and good thoughts coming to you today. This too shall end!

  11. jitterbugjellybean November 15, 2013 at 8:08 am #

    Hang in there! I think we’ve all wanted to or have physically assaulted our spouses for what they’ve done to us. It’s only natural to want some kind of justice. I nearly ran mine over. I literally had to hold my hands together to keep from putting the car in drive. They deserve so much worse than just a slap, but you’re right, the momentary satisfaction of violence just isn’t worth it. I’m so sorry your husband chose this route of retribution for a well-deserved slap. I hope he really gets it in the feels!

  12. SapMegan November 15, 2013 at 8:39 am #

    $8000 well spent if you ask me. In this whole experience I have literally beat on my husband…. Not proud of it but the way that kind of rage, betrayal, hurt, humiliation, and sadness feels…as if it’s going to eat you alive unless you hit them…. ugh. I couldn’t control it. Took me months to get past it. Maybe I should have done 52 weeks of anger management!

  13. Bee November 15, 2013 at 12:13 pm #

    I think in the immediate aftermath, most of us aren’t thinking. We’re wounded and hurt. If we were being rational, we wouldn’t slap our husbands. But D-Day has a way of taking very sane women and making them into unrecognizable, raging manics of pain. Doesn’t make it right, but it makes it understandable.

  14. DJ November 15, 2013 at 5:11 pm #

    Oh, how I can relate to everyone here… on several occasions I punched my husband in the arm and slapped him in the face. I once also shoved him so hard that he went flying across the room onto our bed. He is 9 inches taller than me and weighs more, too. Adrenalin, I guess…

  15. Gee December 10, 2013 at 12:56 am #

    Ha ha. Just thinking of my b*tchman trying to get me arrested. Man, Flaca, what I have done …you might just cringe. Let’s just say, inside the house (when alone) and outside (daring for a witness), I’ve made him get on his knees and put his hands together and beg me for forgiveness while I slap him across his f*cking face.

    Arrest me – oh no – he wouldn’t dare.

    I’m so sorry, your Green dared.

    Arrest me? Like I’ve said to him many times – I’ll trade you any day! You feel bad? You feel sad? I’ll f*cking trade you any day – take my pain on. Yes it’s rage. How lucky that’s all it is.

    Of course, I’m done with it now…it’s in the past…but he doesn’t know that… I guess like him fucking whores…is in the past….

  16. Flaca May 5, 2014 at 1:40 pm #

    I’m sorry you went through that. Yes infidelity is abuse. My husband finally admitted that and I’m better because he admits it. Am I healed? No, very angry still so I know how you feel. Big hugs to you for surviving. You will be a testament to your kids…. Keep that in mind. That’s what keeps me motivated.

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  1. Restrain Me? I think NOT. | Kissing A Fool - November 15, 2013

    […] with my post of yesterday I was up late last night worried about going to court on my last appearance to resolve the domestic […]

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