I have read some other posts recently about the pressures the we are under as those who have been betrayed by marital infidelity. How we carry one with the decisions we make in the wake of being betrayed. How we choose to show the world what we can forgive and what we cannot.
If we take back our spouse then we are weak and we door mats… even more vulgar people will call us stupid. If we kick out our spouse and opt for divorce then we are strong? Either way we are labeled as damaged and certainly bitter. But then I read an article that said that most people who divorce over infidelity go on to regret the divorce?
I am not sure that I am not heading towards eventual divorce. I don’t hate Green anymore but I just sometimes feel very very wronged. I feel like sometimes that divorce is the only way to right that wrong.
Still, for now Green is acting very repentant and regrets that te whole thing but he is still very reserved in explaining the “why.” He says that he did it to hurt me because he had misplaced anger about his life. Ok… so that answers doing it a few times. A fling. Perhaps with different women. But how does that explain a long term affair? It would go on to be a love affair even if it was toxic love affair – at some point it moved from an attack upon me to something he desired and facilitated. One that he had hoped to take to the next level? One in that he fantasized about his new life? That may be an answer that I will never get. It is extremely hurtful to me because I am a very rational person who likes to have solid answers. Can I live with the fact that I may never KNOW what drove him to it? Or do I just need to accept that the man I loved is selfish, narcissistic and capable of the most terrible actions upon me (aside from physical violence which he has never done) so that his own selfish ego is satisfied. How does that leave me? What then am I satisfied with, then, within my marriage?
So I put on my mask. My mask is to stay strong for my kids. To show them how forgiveness conquers bitterness and hurt. I push down my snappy snarky comments that could hurt Green just so that he could feel a tiny portion of pain that he inflicted on me. For him I put on my mask of love and affection. For everyone else I put on my mask of dignified woman who won’t let the trash of infidelity and a home-wrecking whore take away from my own success as a homemaker, professional and a mother. My mask is being well put together – thin, hair colored, nails done… no one is going to say that I let myself go. Oh.Hell.No. So what if the whore is young and hot …they still say, Flaca is hot ‘for her age.’ My mask is suffocating sometimes but its better than being broken and sad – I did that look already and it sucked.
So put on my mask, cloak myself in a coat of armor and I try to get through the pain on infidelity because I agree with Elle @ Betrayed wives that infidelity is not something you get over (like the flu) but something you get through (like a death or a loss). One day I will, perhaps, wake up and see that I don’t need my mask anymore. Can I see a future where the questions are gone and my expression is one of being in the moment and moving past the betrayal? Instead will it be replaced with a really heartfelt expression of grace, acceptance, love and happiness? I just am so tired. I haven’t been truly happy in so long. I can’t wait for that day to come.