So I am not doing any of these stages very well… my waves of depression are moderate. I would say my waves of anger are the most present. My anxiety is almost nil… I know my future only holds two options – my marriage or my divorce. It’s not much to be anxious about. Peace? I honestly don’t think I’ll ever have peace until I’m dead. Hah, and I’m not talking about my marriage. Who has time for peace? I have soccer, ballet, work, marriage, vacations, my yoga, some dancing and wine drinking to worry about… Peace? Forget about it.
Frankly at this point THE decision to stay married and to heal is solely with me. Green does what he can to show his remorse and to be a better man. But he will not change… he will not be a better communicator. He will not be more open. He cannot do those things. I am not sticking up for him its the just the reality of Green’s nature. He is sweet, funny and sensitive. But Green’s damaged and like his DNA some of it is innately unchangeable. Like my inability to find my keys or sort my receipts those issues he has are just facets of his personality that will never change. I know no one is perfect. So should I just love the devil I know?
I have come to accept that Green is who he is and now I have to decide whether that is acceptable to me. So far I am dealing with it the best way I can but sometimes I feel like its not worth it. Green says he won’t cheat again. Green says he’s done with lying and being selfish. He says the affair was just him acting out… a sort of an early mid-life crisis. I really don’t know how much of that I believe. I still don’t believe that he didn’t love her. I still don’t believe that it wasn’t about me. Many times I think he just ended it because of our daughters. Or because its literally ‘cheaper to keep her.’ Are those just my insecurities? Yes, perhaps… but that’s my present.. not depression, not anxiety… mostly just boring ass acceptance. It is what it is. Nothing gained but a hell of a lot was lost.
So while I know this… I am trying to wrap my mind around how the affair was about him being in control vs . the recovery is about my control. Fair? Not really but again… it is what it is.
Where am I?
- The affair is over.
- It started almost 2 years ago… it ended a year ago.
- Maria the whore is gone somewhere probably fucking another married guy and hopefully covered with puss busting sores starting in her filthy vagina and mouth.
- I have a repentant husband who is mostly contrite but sometimes frustrated and defensive about himself and his behavior.
- I have two kiddos who worship the ground he walks on and for the most part see us as two loving parents.
- I am still very angry. I’ll admit I am filled with RAGE.
- I am still very humiliated. That feeds my rage.
- I still love my stupid lying husband. That confuses me. I am torn because I want to heal him and then I want to get rid of him. But I don’t want the whore to have him either.
So no resolution today. Maybe next week. But I’m not depressed. Just complacent I guess.
At one time, the song Stuck in the Middle with You was an inside joke between Green and I. About the idiots we used to work with. Funny how somehow now it means so much more.
Well, I don’t know why I came here tonight
I got the feeling that something ain’t right
I’m so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I’m wondering how I’ll get down those stairs
Clowns to left of me, jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you
Yes, I’m stuck in the middle with you,
And I’m wondering what it is I should do
It’s so hard to keep this smile from my face,
Losing control, and I’m all over the place