Last year, right before I put Green out, I was prescribed Prozac & Xanax. At the time I was depressed, anxious, a nearly suicidal insomniac who was not eating and obsessed with ‘what the hell is happening to my marriage?!’ It was after the holidays so this was while I was taking down Christmas decorations and steeling myself for a pretty shitty upcoming Valentine’s Day. At the time I didn’t think they did very much for me and alternatively I was so depressed that I gave up on them. I really hated seeing therapists or psychiatrists at the time, I withdrew from everyone except my kids, and I just didn’t want to talk or think about IT anymore.
I did like Xanax but only because it ‘took the edge off,’ it would just knock me out, and I’d fall into a very deep sleep. Unfortunately I would then wake up with raging emotions. Not rested but just hyped up and ready to fight. The lingering mental movies were still playing in my head, the emotional hurt was still present, and the loneliness of my very quiet nights alone (while I obsessed that Green was out with Maria-the-whore) after the kids were asleep literally haunted me. It was on one such morning that I fought with Green, scratched him, and got arrested. Pretty much after that I stopped taking the Xanax, whether it was a contributing factor to my angry outburst I don’t know. I just didn’t trust them.
So I gave up on meds. For the last year I have tried to ‘fix myself’ by keeping busy, focusing on the kids, building up my side consulting business and the occasional mani/pedi or deep tissue massage. I was an exhausted insomniac zombie but since I was raising the kids basically on my own I did not feel comfortable being on drugs that knocked me out or made me rage. My parents live an hour away so I kind of learned to like the insomnia, it gave me time to work at night, keep house and then collapse into sleep when the kids went off to daycare or preschool. Coffee, Red Bull and Classic Coke became my drugs of choice. Thank God we registered for that fancy espresso machine when we got married!
Anyway now that Green is back home I was thinking I should revisit the medication route. I deserve a good nights sleep, damn it. I still have the same feelings – anger, depression, anxiety, exhaustion and general malaise. I just feel disconnected from everything. I don’t care for my work very much and I am easily distracted. Aside from the fact that we are reconciling, not screaming at each other and trying to live together day to day in a more positive fashion, I am not sure that I am reconciling myself as to what has happened, what it means to me and to my marriage. Small things can trigger my anger. I try to suck it up for the girls, my mom was a screaming rage-a-holic and I surely don’t want those memories for my girls.
Well this week I started sleep walking. I hadn’t done that in over 10 years. The last time I had done it I was living in 3rd story apartment, stressed out due to living in another state working on heated political campaign and I tried to start a car. I woke up when I couldn’t get the keys into the ignition. How I walked down the stairs, out to the street to the parking lot and into the locked car is still a scary mystery to me. Well this week I had three episodes of sleep walking and so today I high tailed it to my primary care doctor and laid it out. She didn’t blink. She said it was not surprising given my recent health and personal issues. She reviewed my diagnosis of PTSD, panic disorder, anxiety and depression and asked why I wasn’t I taking something before as I had an open prescription. I shrugged, “I dunno. I’m just not that person,” I said. “I don’t like meds.”
I came away with a prescription for Celexa and Ativan. I don’t know how I feel about taking them. I mean if they will give me and my family some relief – calm my agitated feelings, even out my roller-coaster emotions and give me some rest then I guess I am willing to take them. My concern is will I be MORE of a zombie? Instead of rage will I be dull? I already feel dull. I am also freaking out about the side effects. Really a loss of sexual appetite? Hah, I already don’t want to have sex with Green… this makes it worse? Great. Most pressing is what I fear this says about me as a person. Am I so broken that I have to take medication to find balance? Will I be less of who I am? Should I tell my employer? Will this really be a path to healing or am I just medicating to dull the pain?