Take One and Call Me in the Morning

16 May

Anti-Anxiety-MedicationLast year, right before I put Green out, I was prescribed Prozac & Xanax.  At the time I was depressed, anxious, a nearly suicidal insomniac who was not eating and obsessed with ‘what the hell is happening to my marriage?!’  It was after the holidays so this was while I was taking down Christmas decorations and steeling myself for a pretty shitty upcoming Valentine’s Day.  At the time I didn’t think they did very much for me and alternatively I was so depressed that I gave up on them.  I really hated seeing therapists or psychiatrists at the time, I withdrew from everyone except my kids, and I just didn’t want to talk or think about IT anymore.

I did like Xanax but only because it ‘took the edge off,’ it would just knock me out, and I’d fall into a very deep sleep.  Unfortunately I would then wake up with raging emotions.  Not rested but just hyped up and ready to fight.  The lingering mental movies were still playing in my head, the emotional hurt was still present, and the loneliness of my very quiet nights alone (while I obsessed that Green was out with Maria-the-whore) after the kids were asleep literally haunted me.  It was on one such morning that I fought with Green, scratched him, and got arrested.  Pretty much after that I stopped taking the Xanax, whether it was a contributing factor to my angry outburst I don’t know.  I just didn’t trust them.

So I gave up on meds.  For the last year I have tried to ‘fix myself’ by keeping busy, focusing on the kids, building up my side consulting business and the occasional mani/pedi or deep tissue massage.  I was an exhausted insomniac zombie but since I was raising the kids basically on my own I did not feel comfortable being on drugs that knocked me out or made me rage.  My parents live an hour away so I kind of learned to like the insomnia, it gave me time to work at night, keep house and then collapse into sleep when the kids went off to daycare or preschool.  Coffee, Red Bull and Classic Coke became my drugs of choice.  Thank God we registered for that fancy espresso machine when we got married!

Anyway now that Green is back home I was thinking I should revisit the medication route.  I deserve a good nights sleep, damn it.  I still have the same feelings – anger, depression, anxiety, exhaustion and general malaise. I just feel disconnected from everything.  I don’t care for my work very much and I am easily distracted.  Aside from the fact that we are reconciling, not screaming at each other and trying to live together day to day in a more positive fashion, I am not sure that I am reconciling myself as to what has happened, what it means to me and to my marriage.  Small things can trigger my anger.  I try to suck it up for the girls, my mom was a screaming rage-a-holic and I surely don’t want those memories for my girls.

Well this week I started sleep walking.  I hadn’t done that in over 10 years.  SleepwalkingThe last time I had done it I was living in 3rd story apartment, stressed out due to living in another state working on heated political campaign and I tried to start a car.  I woke up when I couldn’t get the keys into the ignition.  How I walked down the stairs, out to the street to the parking lot and into the locked car is still a scary mystery to me.  Well this week I had three episodes of sleep walking and so today I high tailed it to my primary care doctor and laid it out.   She didn’t blink.  She said it was not surprising given my recent health and personal issues.  She reviewed my diagnosis of PTSD, panic disorder, anxiety and depression and asked why I wasn’t I taking something before as I had an open prescription.  I shrugged, “I dunno.  I’m just not that person,” I said. “I don’t like meds.”

I came away with a prescription for Celexa and Ativan.  I don’t know how I feel about taking them.  I mean if they will give me and my family some relief – calm my agitated feelings, even out my roller-coaster emotions and give me some rest then I guess I am willing to take them. My concern is will I be MORE of a zombie?  Instead of rage will I be dull? I already feel dull.  I am also freaking out about the side effects. Really a loss of sexual appetite?  Hah, I already don’t want to have sex with Green… this makes it worse? Great.  Most pressing is what I fear this says about me as a person.  Am I so broken that I have to take medication to find balance?  Will I be less of who I am?  Should I tell my employer?  Will this really be a path to healing or am I just medicating to dull the pain? 


22 Responses to “Take One and Call Me in the Morning”

  1. jolene May 16, 2013 at 3:53 pm #

    Short term meds maybe okay, I personally am against meds. They only mask and dull pain you have to go through. Why wait or drag it on. I’m scared that meds would cause me to snap. Trust my UN medicated self more. As a medicated self may find homicide attractive.

  2. aloneagain3 May 16, 2013 at 4:30 pm #

    I take celexa. Have for years. I also have a script for Ativan. I have taken it about three times. A whole pill knocks me out. So I take a half. But only when I am really anxious.
    You can’t begin to practice coping skills when your mind is out of control.
    I have no side effects from the celexa. And it does help. I only know this because of how I feel if I don’t take them for a prolonged period of time.
    You can always stop taking them if you feel that is best. Just keep your doctor apprised of what you do. Good luck.

    • jolene May 16, 2013 at 4:50 pm #

      If meds work, good.. I talked with my doctor and he felt symptoms situational. So elected no meds. I sleep at night, and have lost no weight. At the very least thought I would and hoped to drop weight. Thought the stress of this would make me drop weight but can’t even get that. But have anger issues..doctor says okay, and wanders if husband is still alive. LOL. Must think I am sane… i feel depression anxiety anger paronia and symstoms of ptsd but is better as months go by. Guess this is normal. But a person really wanders, as the last thing this has been is sane.. ya idk..

      • Flaca May 17, 2013 at 4:14 pm #

        Good for you that it hasn’t affected your mental/physical health. The anger is tough. Stay strong. Best wishes.

    • Flaca May 17, 2013 at 4:15 pm #

      Thanks. Good to hear your find some relief with the Celexa. I agree, I don’t want to be medicated forever, I just need to rest. I can’t seem to rest at all. 😐

  3. amanda May 16, 2013 at 5:46 pm #

    oh flaca, how i understand. I WANTED to be put to sleep! I asked my doctor, “can you just put me in a temporary coma and wake me up when the pain is gone? thanks.” I took Ambien (don’t) and benzos. They help temporarily–and that’s ok. Eventually, you have to say goodbye to them–so use the ativan with caution. It’s fairly mild compared to xanax and klonopin, which is good. Ativan and Valium are your safest bets. Lunesta is better for sleep, opposed to the benzos (relying on them for sleep for the long term becomes addictive)–STAY FAR AWAY FROM AMBIEN, especially the generic. I think I will post about my post dday experiences with ambien–you have inspired me.
    Anyway–I am considering trying celexa or lexapro–any of you ladies have insight? keep me posted.

    • Flaca May 17, 2013 at 4:12 pm #

      Hah, yeah, I’ve heard stories about Ambien. I already sleepwalk! So I would be too scared to take ambien. LOL. I just started Celexa, so far no crazy side effects. Hmmm, next time I see my primary care doc I’ll ask about the Lunesta. Im not to crazy about the taking the Ativan.

  4. jack joseph's mom May 16, 2013 at 6:12 pm #

    I fight taking these medications as well. As my doc currently has me on an anti anxiety medication daily and Xanax for panic attacks, let me share my experience. You must always step yourself up on and ween yourself off of these types of meds. My doc and I have a six month plan. I am two months in. It has taken me this long to feel happier and less anxious. I don’t take the X as much anymore. X does to me exactly what you stated, the sleeping part. I don’t feel wild after, but I am now on a really low dose. I could discuss this more intimately and in detail with you if you want to email me: JackJosephsMom@gmail.com. I would even be up on chatting on the phone with you to give you more detail on these type of meds. Again, I will state all I wanted was X to calm me down and my doc (general practitioner, not therapist – I don’t like them either) insisted on a daily med to calm anxiety. We agreed on a six month plan so I could see an end and because he explained he doesn’t think I need them all the time, I just had a really bad thing happen and I needed to take control of my life back. I admit, now, weeks ago I would disagree, it is working and life is getting better.

    • Flaca May 17, 2013 at 4:09 pm #

      I’m glad to hear you are feeling better. Sometimes that’s what we need I think, the space to heal, its hard when you mind is racing a mile a minute and everyone is telling you HOW to feel and HOW to heal. Best wishes.

  5. zenpoppy May 16, 2013 at 6:40 pm #

    I hope this works for you! All the best. I literally don’t know anything medical, but one of my high school friends got over depression by participating in triathlons. Apparently exercise is really good at releasing endorphins. Maybe a triathlon? =(

    • Flaca May 17, 2013 at 4:07 pm #

      I do need to get back to exercising. I used to run and hike before all of this happened. My husband and I did a 5k earlier this year. It was fun, short, but made me miss the active side of my life I once possessed. So we decided that sooner rather than later we would train for a marathon. So yes, with your inspiration, I will add a triathlon to my bucket list. Why not? 😉

  6. Kay H May 16, 2013 at 7:21 pm #

    I started taking Xanax when my husband told me about his affair and the divorce. I see nothing wrong with taking meds to get over the hump. I wouldn’t want to be on it forever but I’m a mess when I can’t sleep and if taking a pill helps turn my mind off at night, I’m going to go ahead and take it. http://www.dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/

    • Flaca May 17, 2013 at 4:06 pm #

      I agree. I don’t plan it being forever. Sometimes you just need to rest & turn it all off.

  7. momof6boys May 20, 2013 at 1:55 pm #

    The thing with meds, I think, is how a person approaches it and what they expect. Is there anything that is like a magic pill that eliminates depression or takes away the pain? No. And is every person affected the same way by every med? No. I have suffered with clinical depression for many years and have been on Wellbutrin long term. At times I stopped taking it because I hated feeling like I couldn’t manage without an antidepressant…but the truth is, I can’t. I’ve also tried other meds like Zoloft and Prozac, but neither of those were helpful for me. My experience with Wellbutrin has been mainly positive. While my dosage has gone up and down over the years, I’ve found that it’s the only thing that helps me manage the depression. It doesn’t take it completely away. It’s definitely not a ‘happy’ pill. But it makes the bad days not so bad. Of course, when I found out about my husband’s affair, Wellbutrin didn’t even touch that…I don’t think ANYTHING would have. And I seriously thought about trying to get an additional prescription for something like xanax or valium to help me cope. But I haven’t, and I think it’s because I realize that I would be taking it to numb myself. Because some days, I would just rather feel nothing. Sometimes it’s just all too overwhelming and painful. Anyhow, that’s my take on it. Meds aren’t for everybody. But they serve a purpose, and no one should feel ashamed of taking them when needed.

    As a side note, I have taken Ambien in the past for insomnia. I took the generic and never had a problem with it. I didn’t take the controlled release version though. I have heard Ambien CR is the one that people have experienced a lot of weird and disturbing side effects with. The regular plain old generic Ambien worked well for me – it helped me fall asleep within a half hour of taking it, but if I woke up in the middle of the night I wasn’t always able to get back to sleep after that.

    • Flaca May 21, 2013 at 10:49 pm #

      Thanks for your insight! All of your comments are valuable information! Yes I agree no pill will make me happy or erase the pain. What I do feel is more balanced. Less deep lows. I think the Celexa has helped. Since I started taking it my sleepwalking has stopped! 🙂

      • momof6boys May 22, 2013 at 2:44 pm #

        That’s wonderful! I’ve never had any sleepwalking episodes ( that I know of! ) but my 7 year old does it every so often. The first time he did it it freaked me out because he just had this blank look and didn’t respond to anything I said! After I figured out what was happening I just walked him back to his room. He still does it once or twice a month, and never has any memory of any of it. Anyhow, glad to hear it’s helping you 🙂 You deserve to be able to rest well and feel good!!

  8. IAmNotInLoveWithYou May 21, 2013 at 11:37 am #

    I fought taking meds because I never have before, but this Mack Truck hit me in May 2012 and by August 2012, I weighed about 100 pounds, couldn’t eat, sleep, or think clearly. I was really messed up. My doctor prescribed Pristiq (anti-depressant with a bit of anti-anxiety). I have done well on Prestiq and don’t feel like a zombie. I do have Xanax on the side when I have to deal with high anxiety and it works well. Now, that I am living alone, I rarely take Xanax, but so glad I have it just in case. It works wonders!!! I take just a half and it puts me is a nice place.

    I am glad you wrote this post (I love all your posts, but still working my way through them as I am new to this) because I do take Ambien and have since August 2012. I take a half 15 minutes before I want to go to sleep. I get in bed before I take it and so far, no nasty side effects… I can see how one can get addicted to this because it’s so nice to crawl in bed knowing you will be in dreamland in 15 minutes, but it will soon be time for me to address getting off of that too. Thank you for all your posts.

    • Flaca May 21, 2013 at 12:17 pm #

      Thank you for visiting and for your insight on this post. I’m sorry that you are going through this. Its profoundly painful and you hit it right on the head, ‘like getting hit by a Mack truck.’ Please know there is a whole community of betrayal survivors and there are brighter days ahead. You are not alone. My very best to you.

    • amanda May 21, 2013 at 4:19 pm #

      I know EXACTLY what you mean. The ambien was what I looked forward to ALL day because I knew I would be out of your misery, in peace and free from pain, for 8 or so hours. It’s been almost 2 years since my d day so I barely use sleep aids. Maybe once a month or so. But in the beginning it was EVERY NIGHT. Not to mention the xanax and valium. That’s pretty much over now. So it does get better!

  9. Comfortably Numb June 13, 2013 at 3:01 am #

    Oh hun, I’ve always been weary about medication BUT they CAN work, they just dont work well for me. I think as long as you are still getting help through therapy etc then the meds should be fine but you do need to keep dealing with it at the same time so you dont rely on them and ‘mask’ it with pills -I’m sure youre not intending to do that. My husband tried Ativan *shudder* http://comfortablynumb7.wordpress.com/2013/03/22/part-3-medicals-medication/ so what I will say is just be careful with the doseage as they are very strong and addictive. Good luck with them hun xB

  10. Christina August 14, 2013 at 9:43 am #

    I was told by several people to take a Xanax. I have 2 children under the age of 7 I could not (as much as i have wanted to) check out on them. My Dr. prescribed Lexapro for me. Not to mention I see a therapist who first started off as our marriage counselor. My anxiety was through the roof and because the bitch emma decided to still harass me as well as her new guy daniel or how he referred to himself in a threatening email to me as “homeless guy from California”- Winning! Not. I had to have my dosage upped. I am grateful that I have this medication but I am well aware that there is so much more I need in order to get back to me or rather to the new me since my personal life went on one hell of an emotional f&c* of a roller coaster ride. I have to say though that for any of you who are taking either Lexapro or Celexa please pay attention to the side effects such as suicidal thoughts. It does happen and please just try and be mindful. Flaca I wish I had discovered your blog sooner.

  11. I can relate September 3, 2013 at 12:12 pm #

    Wow… This hit home for me.. I went to the doctor because I too was hot hard by infidelity. I am 18 months out right know but a couple of months from DD I was sick.. Literally I lost weight which I was good but I also would go running and keep running and diet so I didn’t have to deal with all the crap..I was a walking zombie.. I can barely remember things and I don’t know how I kept working at a super efficient manner and traveling and managing my clients… I was good then because of my extreme work schedule but any lull or break in work I would get very anxious and angry.. my mind movies were on overtime so huge mood swings. At a work event we had a little confronation with that whore and I got so angry for a million reasons. The husbands birthday she had her cop friend call about a complaint she made 6 months after our confrontation and day of our anniversary she sent a copy of the official complaint and that it was going to the DA. Well I did go to my PCP and ask for something because I had lost 60 pounds abs was completely exhausted from no sleep. But I didn’t need a sleep aid because I could sleep once everything shut off. Hence my attempts to workout to the point of exhaustion. Well they helped but I did become even raging angry. I think menopause isn’t helping either. Well I hate meds and along time ago I took Zoloft. I hated feeling numb. You are right I am still numb. I like the coma thig though. But alas life keeps going. Fast forward 8 months and now I have the consequences of being angry at that bitch. How I don’t know but I was tired of going to court and a trial was not an option. I am not rich nor do I have the time. She was constantly trying to stir up our marriage and I got her out. Judge was kind and said he didnt blame me and would probably had done the same thing and he reduced everything he could. So I will take anger management classes even though its a recommendation only. I will be open and hope to find skills in helping me heal and cope. We do this for our kids mainly.
    Thanks for the post

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