Man Up

11 May

being a man and saying sorrySo a sticking point between Green and I is his lack of ownership over the affair, the consequences of it and how he needs to publicly address it so that we can heal properly.  I have maintained that he publicly humiliated me by having his affair and now as we approach a year into our reconciliation he has done NOTHING to publicly atone for it. By that I don’t mean wearing a scarlet letter, begging on his hands and knees and telling the world how terrible he is.  It just means that, in my opinion, he should tell our friends and family’s that 1) he used many of them facilitate his affair and that he abused their trust, 2) he abused his wife’s emotional & physical well being, and 3) he fractured his family and 4) that he regrets losing their trust and respect for the sake of making a very bad choice in having an extramarital affair.

When Green first began the emotional affair, that would very quickly end up as a physical affair, he began a campaign of dirt slinging and misinformation against me.  As someone who works in political campaigns, I totally understand it, yeah that’s weird but hey I know what I know.  It is a classic tactic, a preemptive strike so to speak or ‘get-them-before-they-get you.’  Green went around to our friends, mostly from his side, many times on boys night out with my blessing, to pretty much tell them what a terrible person I was.  The classic “my wife is a controlling shrew who doesn’t let me do anything…she ruined my life… she doesn’t let me live my dreams…blah blah blah” smear campaign against the clueless soon to be betrayed spouse.  Now I have to give his friends credit, a few of them smelled something rotten.

One guy, we’ll call him Jim, actually approached another, we’ll call him Cal, and said that he suspected Green was cheating on me.  Cal is our compadre – godfather to our oldest daughter, Ditto, and a very dear friend.  (His wife, Annie, is someone who I considered a very close friend and our relationship being damaged would be as a result of Green’s affair and my choice to reconcile with him.)  Anyway, at the time Cal was shocked and right away defended Green.  Cal did not know that I had already confessed my suspicions to his wife, Annie, and she confirmed that I was not alone in my suspicions because Jim had suspected the same.   Well Annie and Cal went into super friend mode and tried to help us.  For that I am very grateful  Cal was discreet in talking to Green but he reported back to Annie (who reported to me) that NOTHING was going on.  Annie and I were not so easily fooled.  Well Green thought he was so fucking smart. He continued in this campaign all the way escalating the affair from emotional to physical from the fall of 2011 to January 2012 when I threw him out.  He would go on to incorporate at least one other friend, Vinny, who I had considered very close to me and Green included his mother.  To all of them Green was a victim who was trapped in a loveless marriage with a harpy wife who only wanted money, prestige and to crush his dreams.  They did think it was odd that he would get random phone calls and requests from his lawyer co-worker, Cyndi, to meet up at random times for drinks or “help” (it wasn’t Cyndi it was Maria-the-Whore) but Green would brush it off as a mentor-ship relationship that he had formed with a young staffer.  What a great guy right? Fuck him.  Green was basically establishing his cover to legitimize his affair and, as the affair escalated, his fantasy about abandoning his family went on he further set upon this campaign to convince everyone I was evil so that he could say that I basically drove him away.  What a conniving deceitful dick that Green was.  Affair addiction is strong and it makes the cheating spouse do very risky, evil , stupid and cruel things.

chosign a blow jobSo now that we have reconciled I have told Green that he has to apologize.  I can’t live my life knowing or thinking that everyone thinks I took him back after all the shit he talked about me.  At first Green didn’t agree. He didn’t see the strain and awkwardness that his affair had caused in our friendships.  He was lying to himself. From the moment I threw him out in January to around June of the same year, 2012, he had NOT called, emailed or corresponded with ANY of those friends.  He went into hiding.  He chose his whore over his friends.  His friends rallied around me or avoided me – mostly the latter.  Green would say at the height of his delusion, “I don’t care what anyone has to say. I want to be happy.  If they tell me I am making a mistake I don’t care. I.DONT.NEED.ANYONE.”  Yeah, Green was a pretty fucked up guy. And the fact that Maria the whore didn’t think it was crazy that he threw away nearly 20 years of childhood friendships over HER says a lot about her.  I know she loved it. I know it validated her. She must have felt so powerful. He chose HER over his friends AND his family.  It demonstrates that she is fucked up.  Who wants a man who has no friends?  A controlling manipulative whore like Maria does.  Sound familiar?

Well lets get to the point of this post. The post is  not to complain or trigger myself over the fact that my stupid cheating husband made some very bad decisions. That is nothing new.  What is new?  Well the good news is that yesterday Green actually called a friend to apologize. He called Cal.  And Cal said, in his good natured good ole’ boy fashion, that he would not accept the apology from Green unless it was made over drinks.  That made me very happy.  Cal and I are not the best of friends (his view on women is akin to cave man thinking) but he is NO supporter of infidelity.  So I’ll put my feminist hat aside and be very grateful for the olive branch that Cal has chose to accept to help Green and I recover in our marriage.   Why is this important? Its huge because Green is accepting that he needs to OWN all parts of the affair. Not just the sex.  He needs to own that he lied to and used his friends to facilitate the affair. He needs to acknowledge that while I am not perfect (shocking, I know) he needs to publicly say that IT IS NOT MY FAULT.  He even has said he will tell his mother that HE was wrong.  (Happy early Mothers Day gift to me!!)  For us to heal I need our little universe to hear from him that he OWNS this issue and HE is working on fixing our marriage. Is that shallow? It’s my turn to feel empowered and validated

Now I don’t think it will work with some of our friends. Some folks like to be haters.  Some friends like drama. Some friends think that they are better than us as if infidelity couldn’t happen to them.  That’s fine.  But at least Green is owning it and apologizing to them which to me demonstrates that he is serious about fixing our marriage.  He doesn’t have to swallow his pride and admit that he’s wrong.  Green could walk away and let the world continue to think that I am a terrible shrew who shoved him into the arms of another woman. Or he can, as he has started to do, man up and own his to his very bad decisions, apologize and live a life that demonstrates the good man I fell in love with.   I am the the fool, after all, of this blog, so please let me believe in him again and be happy for me.



12 Responses to “Man Up”

  1. Comfortably Numb May 11, 2013 at 11:39 am #

    aaand breathe…. it hit a nerve reading that because I know just how you feel. Just today i had to try and explain to a friend that i am married -and staying married- to my husband…so be here for ME as a friend or… well you can imagine the rest lol. I also (funnily enough) wrote a post a day or 2 ago about feeling like everyone feels that i am to blame for the state of our marriage – despite not knowing ANYTHING that is going on. Its a very hard situation for us betrayed spouses, keeping a united front, sticking by your descision and trying to keep SOME normality in the friendships that existed beforehand etc its such a shame that people feel the need to get too far involved/take sides/leave entirely…though i suppose sometimes its easier to walk away than to try and keep the peace or know where to place yourself etc

    Back to this post… im glad that he has taken that step and progress is being made; definitely a good thing 🙂 x Beth

    • Flaca May 11, 2013 at 11:55 am #

      oh yeah, i agree. its hard because our friends/family want the best for us and they can’t see how we chose to stay with someone who doesn’t treat us well. well they only see half a picture. they don’t see everything… and in our scenarios… are different issues. at least in my case i feel like it just wasn’t about her or the sex. it really was about the fact that my husband was broken.

      thanks for the support. it is progress.

      ps i knew i had read this somewhere, similarly, recently, do you mind if i link it up?!


  2. jolene May 11, 2013 at 3:26 pm #

    Happy for you… and you should be happy.

  3. Jolene May 11, 2013 at 4:52 pm #

    Hey was wandering if you could help me analyze.
    OW sent my husband in 2011 and me on d day a picture of a tattoo she put on her upper arm. The tattoo has a set of blue eyes crying down into a broken heart with a dagger thru it with two dates one 2010 and one 2011. (During the affair) also my husbands initials, and love kills. The heart is red with black shadows on the edges. I gather that she feels my husband broke her [black un beating heart] on theses dates, but what I am looking for is a analogy of what makes her tick as to permanently scar herself like this.. I have my psychoanalysis of what I think but looking for an outside perspective. Also when she sent this to each of us, how was this suppose to affect each of us. What is the true manipulation in this for each of us? Don’t mean to focus to much on this but it is under my skin now.

    • Flaca May 11, 2013 at 8:13 pm #

      Hey Jolene – Well I would say that yes you have a very good reason for this to ‘get under your skin.’ Very appropriate metaphor by the way.

      In my opinion this particular OW is a psycho. She is obviously a dramatic manipulative snake who is trying to make you and your husband feel lots of things in an effort to validate her self esteem. I mean come on, tears? Really?! She is the one with the broken heart?! Cry me a river lady. People get tattoos for lots of reasons – art, faith, culture but mostly to set themselves apart – mostly I think people get tattoos to say, hey look at me, this is what makes me special. This is what I think is important. Think about that – SHE wants to show the world that YOUR husband broke her heart?!

      The OW’s agenda is to 1) demonstrate to your spouse that she is – true – her love is deep. so deep is her devotion that she has permanently scarred her body with your husbands names/dates of their affair and a broken heart, 2) she sent it to you because she wants you to see that too, 3) she wants to show you she is in pain, she wants you to KNOW that she too has had her heart broken by your man. (i bet she wouldn’t have minded if you dumped him because he’s a ‘heart breaker’ and yeah, she’ll be there to pick up the pieces), 4) and finally she wants to HURT YOU. Like my husbands OW, Maria, she is the kind of woman who gets off on hurting the wife because that sadly boosts her self esteem. All of this points to a very manipulative and delusional person. She is trying to manipulate both of you. She is trying to manipulate him with guilt and expressions of her true love. She is trying to manipulate you with hopes to appeal for sympathy but more to hurt you so that you know, she loves him best.

      Try to not give into such a stupid pathetic ploy. That kind of tactic is up there with getting pregnant on purpose or pretending to get pregnant. OW of those mind sets are best to be avoided. In my opinion I say that you and your spouse should not give her ANY attention because the attention she seeks good/bad is all she wants. It makes her feel important. You don’t need a tattoo to prove the love between you and your spouse. Best wishes to you.

      • Jolene May 12, 2013 at 5:05 pm #

        Thank you for your analogy, I agree with it all and it does allow me a deeper understanding to what I have been thinking. I believe this OW has a borderline personality disorder, meaning bordering psychosis. I do not feel sorry for her one bit either, because in her case you could call it mental illness or evil, it really means the same. The biggest thing with a BPD is that they fear abandonment and exposure and will make frantic attempts to avoid both. Hence, the tattoo, the fake accident, the missing person, the suicide poems, the projection defense mechanism, the faking of her death, the lies, the new identity, the tales of her abusive husband. She even brought a gun here for protection, while her so called husband was not here back 350 miles away, but I was here just a few miles away..

        I realize my husband more than likely did get seduced by a very sick woman, and she is probably the only mistake he has made, and will ever make. Yes his fault for letting it happened, the stage was set, and once it started there was not a lot of options to break clean from this, without help.. As much as It has killed me to learn the truth, I am glad I found out about her, as my safety depends on it. As messed up as it is, also glad she a messed up bitch that he don’t want. Yet it all pisses me off that, the last five months have been stolen by a older, unattractive sick woman…

        My first thoughts were to expose her and hope she crumbles, I did through law enforcement and restraining order. I know when my husband was attempting to abandoning her, is when she really started to show him her true colors, as he stated he noticed extreme mood swings two weeks into the affair. Don’t know wither to laugh or cry for him…Dumbass.. I believe she is truly afraid of real commitment, but that is what she obsessively desires, and that is why she sought a lover in a unavailable man, that stated from the start he was married, and had no intentions of divorce. She does not understand love, only obsession, as she has never been lovable.

        I really believed right away this woman was using projection manipulation, and the age old divide and conquer technic. That she was aligning her self to “pick up the pieces” and that I would just hand my husband and life right over to her. Just pisses me off she thought she could manipulate me that easy, yet I have to work hard to keep the facts into perspective, and not get lost in her lies… As I remember every word in her e-mails from D-day.

  4. momof6boys May 11, 2013 at 6:47 pm #

    Flaca, that’s awesome 🙂 It IS important that they own what they did, and take full responsibility, especially when they cast the blame for their stupid decisions on us. It’s much easier to get a bunch of stupid guy friends to look the other way or even encourage the affair when the cheating husband paints his wife as a horrible, evil creature. That’s so great that he is taking that step because he didn’t just lie to you, he lied to many others, and even worse, he lied ABOUT you. Admitting all his lies is a great way for him to show you that he truly is sincere about working on your marriage and that he is remorseful for what he did. So glad to hear it 🙂

    • Flaca May 13, 2013 at 10:12 am #

      yes being lied to is bad enough but being lied about? ugh. that makes me mad. thanks for understanding!

  5. Samantha Baker May 12, 2013 at 6:04 am #

    I’m glad to read he’s beginning to take ownership.

  6. sonisagra August 2, 2013 at 3:47 pm #

    I don’t know if I’m a big advocate about telling the friends & family about your husband’s infidelity, here is why. My sister’s husband cheated on her after 10 years of marriage. The requirement for her taking him back was he had to call every one in our family as well as her friends & apologize. When he got around to the phone call to me, he was insincere, he didn’t sound sorry at all. In the end, demanding he did that only made my sister look stupid. And she looked even more foolish when not even a year later, the son of a bitch cheated again with a totally different girl. Yep, the sorry bastard made it 11 months til he did it again. And guess what, she took him back again, only for him to do it YES, A THIRD TIME. So yeah, that phone call was a waste of everyone’s effing time. They are now divorced. But it did teach me one thing, if anyone ever cheats on me, I’ve already been made to look bad, I won’t be made to look anymore stupid and foolish than he already made me look. Will he be hanging out with those same friends? You bet your ass he won’t, but I’m not dragging friends & family into it, cuz if he does it again…it’s on me looking stupid, not him.

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