Tell Me

5 May

tell me i'll be happy againToday has been tough day to stay positive. I think its the gloomy weather.  Our kids are visiting the grandparents and without them around to remind me of why I stay married to my unfaithful husband I seem to come untethered.  My mind hovers on the past hurts, on the lost time, on the deception and the disrespect. Green tries, in his way, to be attentive but its as if he’s doing penance.  As if he feels like if he does enough good things it will make up for the bad things.  If only it were that simple.  Replacing a toilet in our guest bathroom became to me a metaphor for all of the crap I have put up with for nearly two years.  There isn’t enough gardening in the world that could mend a broken heart.

This coming week will be very difficult.  I’m trying to stay positive because I’ll need inner direction and peace to stay focused.  Perhaps its a blessing in disguise… maybe staying busy will distract me from all of the rest.   In this week alone –

  1. I will be faced with results from fertility tests
  2. I will also be faced with the results of my heart test and blood panels.  My anemia is a very bad now.  My doctor is frustrated as she is concerned that the stress I have been dealing with is leading to my dizzy spells, heart palpitations and general exhaustion.
  3. I have a HUGE contract coming up to vote a city council meeting that could be a huge financial boost for ME and the family
  4. I have to go to court and pretend how much I enjoy attending Anger Management classes that I was sentenced to last year when I slapped my cheating and lying husband.
  5. I have to prepare proposals for 8 political campaigns – city, regional and congressional, two proposals for nonprofit leadership funding and one recall.
  6. I start physical therapy and strength training to get over a really bad fall I had last winter (Feb. 2012) and that keeps me from doing activities like running or hiking which I know I need to do for my own physical and mental sharpness.

The week hasn’t even started and already I’m dreading it. And don’t get me started on the upcoming Mothers Day festivities.  Holidays always stress me out now. It’s like I’m an actor on the stage.  I feel so fake.  More importantly, how can I avoid my MIL Rita for Mother’s Day?  Now that… that’s a gift I’d love to get.  That would make me very happy.

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5 Responses to “Tell Me”

  1. Borednicole May 5, 2013 at 10:16 pm #

    It’s such a vicious circle. Stress makes you sick, exercise reduces stress but if you feel sick it’s hard to exercise. Feeling your frustration. I just overload on vitamins and hope that helps a bit. 🙂

    • Flaca May 6, 2013 at 6:27 am #

      It is. I’ve been fighting some cold or virus for over a year now. Ever since I learned of my husband affair it’s like my immune system has gone to hell. I’ll try some vitamins maybe that’ll give me some extra energy. I usually by them, stick them in the pantry and then forget about them.

      • Borednicole May 6, 2013 at 7:18 am #

        Break them out of the pantry! LOL. Iron is one that’s really good to take every day.

  2. DawnRaeMiller May 7, 2013 at 1:56 am #

    Have they checked your thyroid? My levels weren’t off, but I had a tumor which caused all of the symptoms you described, plus more. Things I marked up to stress at first.

    Good luck with this week. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

  3. DawnRaeMiller May 7, 2013 at 1:57 am #

    Oh – and about the vitamins, I was put on a high dosage of vitamin D. Made an amazing difference, very quickly.

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