I’ll Fly Away

2 May

Today I am on a quick one day work trip out of town.   Today’s six hours by car so I had to fly.  What sucks is that I have a really long lay over between the end of my meeting earlier and my flight home because my assistant screwed up and booked me on the wrong flight back.   The revised flight gets me home very late tonight so I am sitting in the airport waiting for 5 hours. Alone.  Bored and slipping into my crazy obsessive thoughts.  I wanted to yell at my assistant for her mistake but she’s retiring soon, usually very good and she puts up with my late expense reports.  I let it pass and I didn’t even tell her about the error.  Perhaps this was her passive aggressive revenge?

Sfly awayo now I’m sitting here with my second bloody Mary and fantasizing about running away.  Just day dreaming about getting on the next flight out of town to ANYWHERE else but home.  A place where no one knows me. Where I am not ashamed of being a wife who was cheated on.  Where I am not the woman who was told she is ugly, old and boring.  A place where I could recapture the brave, confident and self-confident woman I was before.  I could restart with very little resources I think… I’ve done without before.

I could be like him. I could be selfish like Green.

Green didn’t think of me.  Green didn’t think of his children.  He didn’t even think about the damn dogs.  All Green cared about was HER.

As if!  Hah, who am I kidding?!  I would worry too much. About the kids. About Ditto’s soccer. About Dot finally getting in the pool.  About watering the garden and pruning the roses.  And the laundry. There is always laundry.

And I would worry about Green.  How could he manage on his own? With the kids? Crazy terrible two Dot loves to jump off furniture and yell, “Cannonball!”  And delicate Ditto who needs constant reassurance of love and cuddling with her voracious book reading.   Would Green remember to set out the dry-cleaning for pickup?  Would he feed the dogs? I wish someone would worry about me the way I worry about them.

I guess that’s pathetic.  I never used to feel this lonely.  I could pick up the phone to call a friend.  I dread talking to people because  all they do is ask about Green and I am done talking about IT.  Lots of these ‘friends’ are haters and feel validated by our issues. As if our troubled marriage makes their own bad marriages feel better.  If they only knew.  Infidelity could happen to them.   No one is safe.

Well that’s not been productive.  Instead, I’ll think of the pretty song, I’ll Fly Away and for now let the next Bloody Mary ease my pain.  I’ll be home soon enough, kiss the kiddos and fold the laundry.


11 Responses to “I’ll Fly Away”

  1. zenpoppy May 2, 2013 at 5:08 pm #

    You’re being a responsible, good person, that’s a good thing! Green being a shitty person doesn’t have anything to do with you, though I can imagine how tempting it would be to just throw away concerns and do the same irresponsible things. Hang in there! Life is very long. What feels bad now won’t matter in a few years. Also, your friends don’t sound very supportive, maybe you should get better friends. =)

    • Flaca May 3, 2013 at 10:57 am #

      I do need new friends. My old friends from college… they were cool. It was my newer, made through our marriage friends, who have been unsupportive. Literally I think it scared them that they might catch the infidelity virus. Oh well..l as you said life is very long… I have much more happier days than not! Have a great weekend!

  2. huperecho: to rise above May 2, 2013 at 6:44 pm #

    ” If they only knew. Infidelity could happen to them. No one is safe.” I never thought my husband would step into it after his past and what God had done in his life. I know people who have judged harshly thinking they are safe and above it and those are the ones who usually fall……………..I know I was one of them. 🙂 Finding supportive friends has really helped. I hope you can find some too. Safe trip home!!!

    • Flaca May 3, 2013 at 10:56 am #

      Thanks… yes before all this happened to our marriage I would have never guessed how many people struggle with this. I was shocked! People who I never would have guessed… In one case it was a cookie baking grandma who had cheated on her husband! Her marriage survived and now they happy but who’d a thunk it?!

  3. DawnRaeMiller May 2, 2013 at 8:05 pm #

    Why don’t you take a weekend away? No one will die & the world won’t end.

    As someone who did run away, it was a wonderful thing. It made all of us appreciate each other more, and I got my sense of independence & self back.

    • Flaca May 3, 2013 at 10:54 am #

      I think I will take your advice. Its funny but Green has told me the same. He has said to me just “take some time off, get some rest and some space I can take the girls.” I wish I could dash off to Paris! I’m glad you did! Have a good weekend, I hope your book conference went well!

      • DawnRaeMiller May 3, 2013 at 12:59 pm #

        Good! You should!

        I’m still conferencing. Or more correctly hanging with my friends & drinking 🙂

  4. Still Loving Him May 3, 2013 at 3:42 pm #

    My friends also scattered like flies after D-day. I have a couple I’m still close with but the rest including my best friends all turned out to be duds. These were decade long friendships. Like you I think they thought their husbands may catch the cheating virus.

    At the end of Sept 2011 a group of us had just been on a long girls weekend. We called ourselves the “She Wolf Pack”, these 5 women were my absolute best friends. I thought I could not live without them, obviously they did not feel the same way about me.

    • Flaca May 3, 2013 at 3:46 pm #

      That sucks. I’ll be your wolf pack mate!

      • Still Loving Him May 3, 2013 at 4:06 pm #

        aw shucks… thanks!!

  5. Kay H May 3, 2013 at 7:04 pm #

    I totally get it about running away. Sometimes I feel like just driving past the interstate exit where I usually get off and going until I run out of gas. Then I picture my kids’ faces and I know I could never do that. I could never be like their father. So I head to school and duck down in the parking lot because the guy who wants to do a divorce intervention for the cheater and myself is BBQing in the school parking lot. Good times. http://dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/

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