Infidelity- the Curse that Keeps on Giving

26 Apr

Today it was confirmed that Green has given me an STD.  I won’t go into the specifics, that’s not important, but what is angering and hurting me is the std presentrecklessness and selfishness of these people who have affairs and bring these INFECTIONS upon their unsuspecting spouses and partners.  As if the mental trauma of infidelity isn’t enough… “Hey honey, now that I’ve humiliated you with my whoring around… how about a heaping plate of STD tests, humiliating diagnosis and painful treatments?!”   With Infidelity It’s Christmas everyday! 

What the fuck is wrong with people? I mean really?   We aren’t children, we aren’t mentally impaired and we aren’t horny stupid teenagers who don’t know the risks of having unprotected sex with multiple partners!  We are adults with jobs. Commitments.  Responsibilities.  Were those lustful moments of passion worth it to physically infect and HURT your spouse?  Some of these viruses can KILL!

I don’t know which is pouring over me more profoundly.  Shame, anger or the hurt at the fact that Green so callously and recklessly risked my health and prioritized his “feel good” moments over my life.  How do I reconcile that my husband, the man I adored who I considered my best friend marginalized my health because he wanted to find validation and an ego boost in nailing a hot piece of ass.  I hate to admit it but as hard as I try its the hurt of that betrayal that I feel the most.


39 Responses to “Infidelity- the Curse that Keeps on Giving”

  1. Kay H April 26, 2013 at 12:55 pm #

    I’m so sorry. That’s the most horribly irresponsible thing that one person can do to another. I know I felt sick to my stomach when I had to go to my doctor to be tested after I found out about my husband’s infidelity. I don’t know what kind of person can cheat on their spouse and why they can just throw everything away for something so stupid as trying to make themselves temporarily feel good.

    • Flaca April 26, 2013 at 4:43 pm #

      Thanks. I used to think my husband wasn’t an addict. At least not to drugs or alcohol. Or even sex. I realize now he was. He was addicted to this terrible behavior. Cheating is an addiction in my opinion. Maybe not sex addiction. Maybe an addiction to being “loved.” Or its just a poor excuse for these escapist spouses who want to “feel good” when instead they need to GROW THE HELL UP. Thanks for you comment, I just started to read over your blog. I hope you have a good weekend & I’m sorry we had to ‘meet’ this way. Best wishes.

      • Kay H May 2, 2013 at 10:32 am #

        Escapist spouse is it exactly. Mine is an addict – addicted to acting like an asshole.

      • Flaca May 3, 2013 at 10:59 am #

        I’m sorry. I know how it goes. In my case, before we reconciled, I didn’t recognize the stupid jerk my husband had turned into. It was like he only knew how to be an asshole. I told him, “Its ok… I’m not gonna be the bitch you want me to be because we both know I’m better than you.” That pissed him off but fuck him. He knew then that I was right and now he admits I was right. Douchebags. Hang in there. Keep moving forward.

  2. Samantha Baker April 26, 2013 at 1:37 pm #

    This was one of THE hardest things for me to overcome as well. Because his A’s were during a time that my health was really bad anyway, to think he could have at any time given me an STD on top of that crushed me. He did give me numerous UTI’s and yeast infections and one raging case of bacterial vaginosis once. And I still didn’t suspect. I thought it was my body’s low immune system, the meds I was on and just…never suspected him.

    I still hurt thinking he didn’t care enough about me to have the affairs in the first place, but then to never protect MY health even if he didn’t care about his.

    I am so so sorry you are dealing with this. My thoughts are with you sweetie.

    • Flaca April 26, 2013 at 4:45 pm #

      Thanks. It’s tough. You are right. I too had some suspicions but I pushed them down. I appreciate your support. I really appreciate your blog and story – its very helpful. Best wishes to you & your family for a good weekend.

  3. aloneagain3 April 26, 2013 at 1:46 pm #

    Sending you my support.

    • Flaca April 26, 2013 at 4:46 pm #

      Thank you. I feel a lot better now. I am still hurt but I am managing. Lets try to have a good weekend!

      • aloneagain3 April 26, 2013 at 5:15 pm #

        Yes let’s. I work both days so it could go either way.

  4. thiswillnotdefineus April 26, 2013 at 2:42 pm #

    I dislike this… I am so sorry that you found out he gave you an STD. I keep fearing that something will catch up with us too. Since some of these lovely STDs are not immediately diagnosable and testing has to continue for awhile. It especially worries me now that I know that my husband’s AP lied to him that she was still married and the AP’s husband confirmed he was sleeping with her during the time of the affair. On top of that, the AP’s husband casually mentioned that he was promiscuous before he got married. My thoughts went to… great. WTF. Did you know my own husband had never heard the phrase that when you have sex with someone you are having sex with EVERYONE they ever had sex with and so forth… ?!?! How could he not have known or thought of that. Once I told him he made a face like… Ew. Yeah, Dipshit!

    • Flaca April 26, 2013 at 4:48 pm #

      Right?! Its really gross. Thanks for your support. Please make sure to keep yourself getting tested because you are right some STD’s take years to show themselves! Best wishes.

  5. Still Loving Him April 26, 2013 at 2:54 pm #

    Join the club. My H gave me 2 STD’s I had multiple UTI’s, which I was never prone to before and yeast infection. It’s beyond humiliation.

    And yet we stay with them. Why?

    • Flaca April 26, 2013 at 4:58 pm #

      Oh SLH I ask myself that all the time! Another day, another dollar..another layer of perversity and bad behavior is revealed. Yet I persist in staying. Why? I can’t say that leaving or divorcing my H has been a real option to me. I still love him. I see in my H a very broken and damaged person. I used to think he wasn’t an addict. But I think now, in his way, he is an addict. Perhaps not to booze or pills, sex or porn but an addict to self pleasure, to his ego… this is a result of feeding that beast. My H was broken by a family history of fucked-up-ness, the idea of our finances and his career failing broke him. Some of these things didn’t happen but my H couldn’t control any of it. What could he do? He could DO a stupid little whore who is just as fucked up as he was & felt good about living this little secret life of “love.” It wasn’t love but they both needed this outlet to feel good about themselves. And it led to nothing good. It led to me getting sick. It’s all bullshit. Yes, I am collateral damage. I’m sorry you have gotten STD’s too. I hope you are fully recovered. It’s bullshit. But you know what, SLH? We are strong. I am going to get both myself and my husband better. I don’t know if that means we’ll stayed married. But he will be better. I refuse to my kids have a fucked up dad anymore. Green says he’s sorry for “all the pain I’ve caused you.” We’ll see what that means. Today the remorseful Green from the weekend before is back. We’ll see if this ‘crisis’ will be a motivator for him to stay focused on healing us, me and our marriage. It’s an opportunity. If he doesn’t grab it, I will, I NEED to get better.

      Best wishes to you! I hope you and your H have a good weekend!

      • Still Loving Him April 26, 2013 at 9:07 pm #

        I stay for the same reasons, as you’ve read on my blog. Sometimes I feel pathetic tho and I often wonder if I had diseased his body, humiliated him, lied and cheated would he have stayed with me? He says yes he would have that he can’t live without me, but really of he couldn’t live without me would he have fucked whores?

        I’ll never know. I know I love him but I’m not in love with him, not by any measure of the word. He’s my family and I have to chose to love him after what he’s done. Knowing he was very mentally ill is just about the only thing that kept me from running for the hills.

        Still it’s astonishing to me that a wildly successful man could also be so mentally ill and hide multiple addictions. But, I’m seeing it every time I attend NA meetings with him and I hear about it in therapy.

        I hope I’ll love him again like I once did or at least close to the way I did. Living this way is lonely, even with him next to me.

      • Flaca April 26, 2013 at 9:49 pm #

        It is very lonely. I told Green that same thing, I said that I feel constantly alone. I agree that finding the capacity to love him as wholly as I did back on my wedding day is going to be a difficult task. I hope I can thought because I’d like to be married to that guy again – he was a catch! I bet your H was and can be again, too.

      • Still Loving Him April 27, 2013 at 5:45 am #

        I always liked to say my husband was, the bees knees. He “was” a great catch.

        Now he’s kind of like one of those junk fish that were fun to catch but bad to eat so you throw them back in the ocean!!! Lol

  6. amanda greenberg April 26, 2013 at 4:43 pm #

    Oh dear. I remember my STD screen, a week or so after D-day. He said she provided a plethora of condom choices in her handy purse, and assured me he used one each of the 12 times they did “it”-but I A. was not convinced (quite frankly, I still wonder) and B. there are many STDs you can get even with a condom. He came to the doctor with me, per my request, so he could watch me in tears, humiliated, with legs wide open and feet up in “stirrups” and see EXACTLY what his choice did to our family and ME.
    Anyway, I AM SO SO SORRY. I will say, though, when waiting for those test results (all negative) I was furious and terrified. My best friend said to me while waiting for results “Amanda, if you are forgiving him, then this comes along with it. If you test positive for any, this would be part of that forgiveness”–since they were negative, I didn’t have to ponder her input/insight. But she makes a point. That said, is your husband forgiven for the affair(s)? And remorseful? And now faithful? If so, consider including this as part of that package. I really need to read more of your blog so I can come here with more knowledge of the specifics. Bottom line? So many women understand what you are going through. No judgement. Just concern, love, and care. Small comfort, I know.

    • Flaca April 26, 2013 at 5:17 pm #

      Spot on. Yes, this has to be part of my recovery and forgiveness process. I accept that this happened just like I accept that my stupid cheating husband hid money from me. That he lied to our kids when he was with his mistress. Its all part of accepting what happened, dealing with and moving on in a positive fashion. My husband is remorseful. He is actually being quite tender and sweet about it – yeah, right, I know. What the hell took him so long?! I know for him its shame. But the fact that he acknowledges that HE DID THIS and that it is HIS FAULT not mine is a big move forward for us. I wish it happened another way but it is what it is.

      Thanks for your lack of judgement, you my blog friends, are the only ones who know. I can’t tell anyone. My family and ‘friends’ would judge me. I like your best friend. 😉

      And you are right, some STD’s are not deterred by condom use so I hope that all my readers and friends here know that getting tested regularly is CRITICALLY IMPORTANT since some of these STD’s can lay dormant and not show themselves for some time, years even.

      Thanks for your kind support, its not a small comfort to me, to me it’s a huge comfort.

  7. DawnRaeMiller April 26, 2013 at 5:26 pm #

    I found out I had contracted HPV months before D-day. All the UTI, bacterial vaginitious and yeast infections I marked up to having a sick thyroid making my hormones & lady parts out of whack. The HPV I thought maybe laid dormer for 15 years (uh, no).

    The thing is, I found out yesterday that my cervix & uterus are a mess from all the diseases he gave me. I’ve already been through early stage cervical cancer due to HPV. Now there’s more.

    He’s so lucky I drugged up on anti-depressants & Ativan right now or is be a mess.

    • Flaca April 26, 2013 at 5:43 pm #

      Oh I’m sorry DRM! I can relate. I just got my own results about early cervical cancer too. Frankly, I’m terrified. The affair seems like NOTHING compared to this new ‘crisis.’ Best wishes to you, I hope you can get some rest and that your H is GOOD TO YOU this weekend.

      • DawnRaeMiller April 26, 2013 at 6:10 pm #

        The good news is that the early stuff has a very good treatablity record. Hang in there.

      • Still Loving Him April 26, 2013 at 9:13 pm #

        I’m in the HPV club too and like DRM I also thought it had just been dormant. Silly me. Thankfully I had a hysterectomy but the Dr said I can still get cancer in the surgical cuff where they took everything out, awesome right and so much closer to my major internal organs. I also got BV from a stripper he paid and had unprotected sex with. I guess she let repeat customers go bareback, lucky him. It all makes me sick.

      • Flaca April 26, 2013 at 10:32 pm #

        It’s too bad our HPV club sucks because between you, me and DRM I think we’re pretty cool.

      • Still Loving Him April 27, 2013 at 5:47 am #

        Yes I do believe we’ve found ourselves in good company here. It’s too bad we could not have all been brought together under different circumstances.

      • Flaca April 26, 2013 at 9:51 pm #

        Thanks that is good news!

  8. pandaqueen1001 April 26, 2013 at 11:17 pm #

    Gawdawful. So sorry to hear about this. I can relate to the recklessness/good feeling factor. You’d think that there would be some iota of foresight of possible consequences for one’s reckless, impulsive actions… or some sort of weighing of pros and cons which occurs…. but no. Little brain takes over big brain. It’s so predictable I want to laugh (bitterly, of course). Hope you can take care of yourself through all this… it’s the most important priority, I think.

    • Flaca April 29, 2013 at 10:18 pm #

      Thank you. Yes it’s such a messed up recipe of bad choices and poor behavior and while I’m no innocent this is not what I deserve. But yes I’ll focus on my healing that’s all I can do.

  9. Jolene April 27, 2013 at 5:15 pm #

    I had to go in to get checked for STD’s totally humbling experience explaining why I all of a sudden needed them. D day was January 12,2013. The affair started in September 29, 2010 the sex stopped January 2011. He continue to answer her calls and texts until Oct. 2011, as he was scared she would tell if he cut off all contact, where he finally told her to go to hell in a church yard nearby the work site they originally met at, to include the church. He was a road construction supervisor, she was a flag holding temp. She continued to text him all through 2012, (in which he never answered)until September when she said he would never hear from her again. Nov. 19, 2012 on a different number he receive a text claiming to be her daughter, stating that she had passed away in September 2012. On D-day while faking her death assuming the identity of her daughter she called me told me to check e-mails, and there she sent the picture she took of him unbeknown to him, the first time he came to her motel room along with the dates of the first kiss, and the night he stayed because he was to tired to drive home. Then the dates and place she met him in my local community, along with a tattoo of a heart on her sleeve with a dagger threw it with my husbands initial’s. Her intent was to mess me up and break up my marriage, she messed me up, but still married, as I refuse to let her take away the things I have fought and worked so hard to have (Underscored). I know he didn’t want her and that’s why he ended it with her, and that was two years ago, but it hurts so terrible, and the fact that she is still obsessing over him makes me un easy. I had been married for 13 years and was the happiest I had ever been in my life, that is until d-day. My husband doesn’t blame me, he says he was very happy with me. This woman is ten years older, is not better looking, has no breasts, is unemployed, and very stupid, (Hence she contacted me, and i quickly exposed her to law Enforcement and sent restraining order.)and was not even good in bed. My husband can not tell me why.. Just he was stupid.. underscored… How do I get over this? any advise?

    • Flaca April 28, 2013 at 11:00 am #

      I’m sorry to hear that you too are going through this terrible experience. I can’t tell you it’s going to be easy because I see it as possibly one of most difficult traumas I’ve lived through. However there exists here in the blogosphere a grouping of survivors, strong and vulnerable, betrayed spouses who WILL support you.

      There are some great books and websites. I’m running around today but I’ll post some in a bit…. Unless my other blogger friends want to share first. My first suggestion is How to Help Your Spouse Get Over Your Affair. It was transformative for my husband and I. It’s really short and easy to read.

      Good luck, stay strong & know that you are not alone! And you aren’t crazy!

      • Jolene April 28, 2013 at 12:40 pm #

        Yes, sometimes I feel crazy, sometimes over whelmingly calm, sometimes vengeful, sometimes I am ok, and have it so together. It is ready hard for me to stick to one reality, because I can come to terms with what he tells me, then I second guess, (because he lied so much at first) and wander if there’s more, then I remember what the other woman e-mailed me, and realize she contradicts herself and makes clear he did not want her, and that it was her pursuing, and he ended it without an ultimatum from me, as I did not know. Round and Round My male M.D. doctor told me its okay to be mean to him sometimes because he deserves it. I have been mean and have been kind… Round and Round..

  10. Jolene April 27, 2013 at 5:55 pm #

    The other woman had a hysterectomy, I assume because of the cancer caused by the HPV she carried, I wonder how long before I need the same surgery? Husband thinks its all in my head..

  11. justcallmebitchyouwillanyway September 21, 2014 at 12:10 am #

    Ladies, this will cause most of you disbelief, but I will tell you just in case one or two of you out there in wifey-land actually want to know the truth about your marriages. I have been a sex worker for fifteen years. 99% of men who visit prostitutes are married, and the majority of them prefer and request unprotected sex from us. I personally refuse unprotected contact with clients, but most women in my industry do not give a damn if they spread diseases or not. I have queried the married men who request unprotected sex at length, many times over many years. Aren’t you afraid to catch disease? Aren’t you worried about passing it to your wife? Their answers are always either “I don’t worry because it won’t happen to me.”, or “I don’t care because std’s are no big deal.”, or “I worry a little, but not enough to make me wear a condom if I don’t have to.” I recommend any married woman keep investigative software on your husbands’ computer and phone; most of you would bein for a hell of a shock to find out who that prince-charming you married really is. Don’t take my word for it, just google escort review sites and see these mens’ public discussions about their acts. They try to hide it in acromyms, so if you don’t know what they mean, google the acronyms too; google is your friend, even if your own husband isn’t.
    Like I said, I know most wives like to live in a fairytale world where men are trustworthy and loyal; most of you will react angrily and defensively to what I’ve said. “Not my husband! He would never!”, etc. So to you, all I can really say is, maybe it will never happen to you; maybe std’s, like infidelity, don’t exist in the fairy tale of your life. Congratulations on being so special…

    “Men are all the same…except for the one YOU met.” –mae west

    • Flaca October 15, 2014 at 2:40 pm #

      I am not sure how to respond to you. I am sorry that you make this career, it seems like its made you very angry, but its your choice. I hope you take care of yourself & use protection for your sake. In my case, the lack of protection is easily answered – My husband is a moron. Yup. His mistress was pathetically trying to get pregnant, I assume. For you I hope you find some peace, I share your comments are posted to show how you ‘the other woman’ as prostitute like yourself or mistress lives with themselves. I hope one day you’ll wake up from the ‘rational’ thoughts.

    • Flaca October 15, 2014 at 2:42 pm #

      I am not sure how to respond to you. I am sorry that you make this career, it seems like its made you very angry, but its your choice. I hope you take care of yourself & use protection for your sake. In my case, the lack of protection is easily answered – My husband is a moron. Yup. His mistress was pathetically trying to get pregnant, I assume.

      In your case I really hope you find some peace, I share your comments are posted to show how you ‘the other woman’ as prostitute like yourself or mistress lives with themselves. I hope one day you’ll wake up from the ‘rational’ thoughts and see that your life is more fractured that anyone of us in ‘wifey-land.’ I don’t spread my legs for a dollar and disease.

  12. somanytears March 4, 2015 at 2:53 pm #

    I too now have HPV. My husband’s “girlfriend” had anal cancer because of it and is now dying…stage 4 bone cancer. The affair lasted 15 months, yet the both swear there was no sex of any kind. During the 15 month affair, which I had NO idea about, I had at least 5 bouts with what I thought were yeast infections. Very unlike me, but I was going through menopause and thought that was the cause. I don’t understand why they still lie! It’s infuriating and it’s making me sick! I’m saving up to get a divorce. I can’t stand either one of them now!

    • Flaca May 7, 2015 at 6:30 pm #

      I’m so sorry to hear this!

      I think that’s the scariest part of infidelity. The STD’s. Lost of people like to say HPV is harmless – I think not. Like you mention, anal cancer, which killed Farrah Fawcett in over 95% of cases is related to the HPVirus.

      When I told my husband this and my fears after getting HPV positives 3 times – all after his infidelity he finally understood my fear.

      I am sending you well wishes. I hope you are doing better. Thanks for your note and stopping by my blog.

      • somanytears May 8, 2015 at 6:12 am #

        The other woman died last month. The anal cancer (from HPV) had spread to her spine. I began to show symptoms (anal warts) just 8 months after Dday. My husband still swears they didn’t have any sexual contact. I have been using a prescription to kill the warts for 2 weeks. It’s not working. I have been married 12 years and am 51 years old. I have never had anything like this before. He wants me to believe him, but what are the odds? How could HPV have been dormant in me, for all these years, then suddenly show itself after his 15 month long affair with a woman that had the exact same (anal) HPV that I now have. The lying is what is killing me! He wants to take a polygraph, but I think he could pass one (even lying) because he’s a narcissist. His affair was defiantly an addiction. He has been alcohol and drug free for 27 years, but had the same “user” behaviors during the affair. He tells me he likes attention. Such a sad person! I don’t feel the same about him but lack confidence enough to leave. If only I knew if he was lying!


  1. Before you cheat… 14 things you need to know. | Kissing A Fool - May 6, 2013

    […] all of these outcomes.  Loss of friends, respect, professional and financial setbacks, an std that I have to deal with, basically everything this list says will happen did happen. So while I […]

  2. I’m not a Bitch.That’s my face. | Kissing A Fool - May 13, 2013

    […] Perhaps when Green was complaining about me to his whore so that he could work his way into her sticky std filled panties he should have considered that I am not a bitch after-all!  Hah. Perhaps had he understood me and […]

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