I feel completely broken. What was a simple question about how Green felt when he was lying to me about the affair has blown up into a huge fight. An ugly fight in which I hurt myself. And I admit that I loved how it felt. Blood pouring and finally I felt that my pain was on FULL DISPLAY. Finally my pain had a face and it was self destruction!!! That’s what he wanted anyway, right?! To cheat on me and hurt me because he was hurt. In response to my self injury Green reacted in a way that was angry and insensitive. It wasn’t a test but it did reveal the cold distance of his true nature. He doesn’t love me. I fear Green will never be part of my healing process. He cares more about his pride and would rather allow those walls of pride that he has built up to protect himself to keep me out. I am stupid for trying to forgive. He doesn’t want my forgiveness nor does he want to give me peace. He wants to runaway and pretend I never existed. I love a man who never loved me. He loved how I loved him and now that I doubt him he has to make me the enemy because admitting that he broke me would reflect on his own selfishness and cruelty. I have to be damaged. I have to be eliminated. I have to be crazy so he can feel vindicated by breaking me. I can’t manage to write anymore because my pain is dull. I feel almost nothing because I have nothing left to feel. I feel ashamed for being such a stupid stupid fool. All I want to do is to hurt myself again.
*forgive my typos I’m using my phone