Thanksgiving in April

22 Apr

Not gonna lie, this weekend was a rough.  From moments when I wanted to leave and file for divorce and  yet ended with some moments of randomness that made me happy to still be married to my very special but damaged Green.

golden girls

Which GG are you? I’m Dorothy all the way – tall, bookish, a sharp tongued smart-ass whose cynical exterior covers up a closeted romantic – but I secretly want to be Blanche.

Saturday evening Green and I had dinner at a local divey diner that had high reviews on Yelp.   The food was good, the atmosphere was fun and creepy a the same time. I felt like I was stuck in a Tarantino film.  Mostly I love diners but this place was odd.  Seated at four separate tables were four elderly women eating ALONE.  Three brunettes and one blonde.  One read a book. One chatted up the waitress and the other two just focused on eating their meals.  It made me so sad. I saw my own lonely, depressed and decaying future laid out ahead of me.  I was projecting, had they too been starter wives who gave up their selves to raise a family, support a husband for the stability of a family home and his career but who in the end had left them for some younger hot piece of ass?!!  I hoped not, that was a bleak option.  I told Green about my thoughts.  Green laughed and said they were probably all happy widows who loved being by themselves and spending their husbands life insurance.  Really on a Saturday night?!  If so, I’d rather be on a cruise with a cabana boy.  I love the Golden Girls… I want my golden years to be like theirs – full mischief and hi-jinx, vivacious and sexually active, engaged and vital!!!  This is not an option for me.  Uh uh no way.

We came home and I collapsed into bed and gave in to my depression, pain and triggers.  As I mentioned in a previous post this weekend was the anniversary of Green’s fornication-vacation and I just couldn’t get it off of my mind.  I just couldn’t find the energy to be strong. I’m ovulating (sorry, TMI) but I was in no mood to have baby making sex with Green.  Thankfully the kiddos had gone to my parents for the night and perhaps that’s what I needed just a night to let it out.  Green did his best, stayed in bed with me, watched terrible movies, tried to answer questions about the affair and reassure me about my place in his life and whatever life we have left.   He lay next to me reading, “Not Just Friends.” How’s that for a hot Saturday night?! I don’t know that we made progress but we survived without screaming matches or threats of divorce.  So I guess compared to my life a year ago that’s progress.  It was a night to lick my wounds, feel a bit sorry for myself, cry a little bit, eat junk food in bed, cuddle with the doggies and finally sleep deeply (with no kids in the house for a change, 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep is a privilege!)

What I did on Sunday made up for my lazy night and pity party… It might be April but I cooked up a 17 lb herb roasted turkey, a few pounds of organic olive and herbs roasted fingerling potatoes,  assorted veggies, and mixed up some cheesy buttered biscuits! Green cut up some chilled watermelon slices for dessert. It was so good!  My side of the family is Mexican so of course we had corn tortillas and salsa too!  When my folks arrived with the kiddos later that morning we broke up into to teams – Ma and I on the housework, Green on the untidy garage that had gotten away from us and my Dad aka Grandpa, the loner, loves to work on the yard.  The weather was very warm,  87 degrees by noon so the kiddos enjoyed playing outside in the water/sandbox, and ‘helping’ Grandpa with the plastic rakes and shovels that the Easter bunny had brought for them.  Lucky for us my dad is a gardener by trade so we get a lot of really high quality lawn and landscape maintenance for free!  Taking a break in the early afternoon from the heat and for our turkey linner , in between finishing up the yard-work, we sat and ate all together.  Ditto ate three plates as did Green.  My dad slipped the dogs, Peppa and Pig, some turkey under the table and I pretended not to notice.  Success!  My parents took some plates to go while Green and I went out to putter around the yard on our own while the girls enjoyed playing soccer on the freshly mowed fluffy green lawn.

Green added two trees to our yard- a couple of dwarf fruit producers to join the apple Green planted last fall, the cherry my parents gave us when we moved in and the peach that we inherited with the purchase of the house. They were bought on clearance and with little consideration as to their fruit except for the fact that Green wanted something high producing, low maintenance and dwarf in size.  We ended up with a pear and a plum.  I was neither here nor there- I like both fruits – but I was deeply touched when I read their little care labels.  Green didn’t seek them out for their symbolism, as I mentioned he bought them on clearance, but when we read them our eyes met and we both remained silent.

plum

Because the plum is the first flower to bloom while the winter air still bites, it represents the vitality and vigor of nature.  And in classical Chinese writing, the character for plum blossom expresses the virtues of courage and strength.

pear

In ancient China, people believed that pears represented immortality and prosperity because pear trees live for a long time.  In Korea, the pear symbolizes grace and nobility. The pear tree is a symbol of comfort. In many Korean legends, the pear gives women fertility. It also bestows wisdom and health.   In some Christian contexts, the pear symbolizes the Virgin and Child, likely because of its sweetness. In the novel Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston, the pear tree symbolizes inner peaceThe pear is a symbol of affection in many cultures. In Chinese, the word li means both pear and separation, so it’s said that to avoid a separation, friends and lovers should not divide pears between themselves.

 After watering them in Green gave me a hug with a kiss and said, “See Cookie… its everything coming together.  This is part of our new beginning.”  I said nothing but it was sweet.  We can hope, right?

MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERAWe ended the night by releasing some lady bugs at dusk. We needed them to keep the bad bugs off our garden veggies and my roses.   At her birth I started referring to Ditto as our little lady bug, it would become a nickname, so she was very excited to do this as was Dot who just loves all bugs in general.  Their symbolism was not lost on me either,

Ladybugs are believed to be totems of good luck–especially if one lands on you.  They are symbols of protection because their signature red shells protect them from predators and shield their delicate wings from the elements.

Whether it was all a series of happy accidents or the universe trying to tell me something I really don’t know.  I choose to appreciate these random moments for the precious moments in time that they are.   I choose to take solace in the meanings or good luck they might bring.  The fruit trees might be skinny and bald, for now, but reading those words brings me hope. Who’d of thought clearance trees would give me something to look forward to?  That the promise of those fruits might be a lifeline through this pain to find the elusive inner peace, strength and comfort in my marriage again?  I sure didn’t know that the turkey I bought months ago on an after Christmas sale, that I’d stick into the freezer with not much thought, would give me such a boost when I saw my family consume it so happy to eat, share and just be together.  And those ladybugs purchased for the garden and the kiddos, tiny and delicate, would give me something to hold on to, too.   Little things do mean a lot.

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2 Responses to “Thanksgiving in April”

  1. Still Loving Him April 22, 2013 at 9:03 pm #

    This is such a sweet post. I wish you lived down the street, we could talk cars and trees! We’ve planted 18 tress on our property since we built our house 2 1/2 years ago. I love trees and I love to garden. I have a landscaper because it’s an acre lot but I do have one area we call the side garden, it’s got beautiful paver path leading to a door and my kitchen windows face it. I tended it on my own when we first built, the landscapers are not allowed in this area. After D-day I let the garden go completely, except for my giant rosemary bushes. Eventually after a few months my husband asked me if he could fix the garden up with me. It was very sweet, we had gardened together before he’d become an addict and always enjoyed it. After he was in active addiction he lost interest and said I could do it or pay someone to do it. Losing interest in things he once enjoyed should have been a red flag too, I’ll add it to the list of red flags I missed!!! LOL… Our side garden is looking a little shabby again because we’ve been working so much. I just told him a few days ago that when the house we are doing now is done we have to spend some time in the garden.

    My niece’s nick name was also Lady Bug, given to her by my sister shortly after her birth. Anytime I come across a lady bug trinket I buy it for her.

    I’m so glad you are in a good place and taking note of the small things that we usually overlook in crisis. May your good feelings and appreciation for the little things continue!

    • Flaca April 23, 2013 at 12:27 am #

      Awwww thanks SLH. Me too! Although I bet our husbands would probably be terrified of us!!!

      I am jealous of your orchard of trees. Your paver garden is on my ‘one day in a bigger house’ list! We too had gardened and done lots home improvement projects before the affair. In the midst of the affair Green stopped being involved and once, in the middle of an argument, told me to just get a gardener because be didn’t care anymore. I was so hurt, our yard isn’t so big, but I knew that it meant he was detaching himself from me, our home and was more obsessed with the whore. As we moved towards reconciling it was the gardening and home improvements projects that brought us back together. It’s really a fun thing to do with our kids and for Green it is once again a source of pride. It is a safe place for us to be without the hurt and the whore to invade. I’m glad to have kept it up even when Green left. Who knew playing in the dirt would be so good for us?

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