So Green and I survived our first round of marriage counseling yesterday. It was better than I thought. We were both clearly nervous. Our counselor, Doug, is the same person who does my IC. He’s great. I don’t agree with everything he says but that’s ok with me, for now. I don’t expect someone to sugar coat things and to tell me things I want to hear. Sometimes I need a push… sometimes I need a hard push to hear the things I don’t want to hear. Green was the first one to suggest we make this a regular thing and he stepped up to clear his calendar for the next session. It was sad how much that gesture meant to me but it did, it really meant a lot.
This weekend wont be easy. Last year at this time Green was still very much lying to me about his feelings and his activities with the whore. At this time last year I thought he had stopped the affair and was ‘trying to figure things out’ without the whore in the picture. He was not. In fact, Green would lie to me and tell me he was a ‘self improvement’ retreat when instead he and Maria-the-whore were on their fornication-vacation. He actually had the nerve to call me repeatedly during this ‘retreat’ to tell me about the progress he was making. Freaking psycho. Does it piss me off? Yes. Very much so. I do give him credit for FINALLY telling me the truth. However it did take him almost a year to do so. So there is that anger I am still working through – 1) the deliberate deceitful actions of lying and misleading me and 2) the truth trickling. Never mind the money he spent that he should have been giving to me for child support. As I write this I can already feel my chest tightening, my pulse begin to rise and my heart literally begin to ache. I am getting angry. The tears I will push down. I refuse to get cry over this trigger because this deserves my anger and I WANT to feel it. I will let it wash over me now but I won’t scream at him about it when he gets home tonight. In the same way I let my two-year old rage when she has a temper tantrum I want to feel this rage, temper it and control it. I cannot let this rage consume me anymore. I want to learn how to harness it.
This weekend is going to be beautiful. The kids will be at their grandparents. I want to enjoy a bit of it. It’ll be Earth Day perhaps I can plant something meaningful. I deserve to enjoy it.
I can say that the last 36 hours since before/during/after counseling that Green is demonstrating that HE WANTS our marriage to work. I wish he would just talk more but that seems too hard for him, at least right now. I think Green doesn’t feel comfortable telling me what he truly feels for fear that I will use it against him. I wish I didn’t do that but its hard not to snipe or make crass comments to hurt him when I still feel so much pain myself. I know that is not healthy. I know that it is not productive. So I will work with him to establish that trust between the both of us again. Green might use me – take advantage of my kindness. Green might be deceiving me again, that I can never be 100% certain of again, but I have to learn to be vulnerable again otherwise I risk becoming the bitter lonely old lady that I don’t want to become. So I am ok with the anger so long as it doesn’t lead to bitterness because that is something I will NOT give to Green and his whore. They have stolen too much from me – safety, self esteem and peace – but I will not let them change me into a bitter person.