Taxes, triggers & trying to conceive

15 Apr

I swear Green’s selfishness pisses me off.  What used to be boyish arrogance is not just selfish carelessness.  While it seems to him that these triggers come out of nowhere, they really don’t, if he only took some time to see how his decisions affect people then perhaps he’d understand why I get so angry at him.  For example, Green has a terrible habit of being late and today was another fine example of that.

daddys_tax_deduction_babyToday, Tax Day, I had to scramble to finish our taxes because Green has been delaying giving me his tax documents.  He delays when he’s afraid of confrontation.  For most of 2012 we were separated and Green lied to me and told me he was making only 2/3 of what he really was making.  He opened up a separate bank account.  As a result of his deceit he deliberately underpaid me for child support.  At the time I suspected it, I called him on it and yet he lied, lied, lied and lied.   I knew he was lying, but at the time, I let him slide because he was 1) crazy angry every time it came up and 2) I was trying to refinance our house in my name only and I didn’t’ want to pick a fight with him over money or assets.  Well, of course, during our reconciliation it has come out that yes he lied to me about the money, and that yes he underpaid me for child support, and that yes that money was spent to engage in his affair and on his whore.  As we never legally separated and we live in California that money is community property and is half mine.  It really pisses me off.  That whore got my man and my money.  Money I could have used for kids.  I know I need to let it go, its ONLY money, but given that Green cited money problems as a root of our marital issues, well it just feels like he is being a hypocrite.  I know the money is gone. I know its spent.  I know I wont confront Maria the whore to get it back, I have more dignity than that (although I WANT TO DO IT!) but it just feels so unsettled.  As if that money quantifies a measure of his love, his behavior and why it happened and why he chose her to spend that money on her and NOT ME.

baby tummy clockSo today as if I wasn’t busy enough pulling our taxes together we also had our first appointment to see a fertility doctor.  Prior to Green’s affair we had planned on conceiving our last baby before I turned 40 this fall.  This timeline coincides right around the time that he had his affair.  Well I can tell you that I am not pregnant.  I will turn 40 in less than 6 months.  So, yeah, I’ve done the math.  Its.not.gonna.happen.  While I struggle having sex with Green I can pull myself together to do the deed during my ovulation.  I just see it as a means to an end.  Pathetic, right? I know. Perhaps, that’s why we haven’t conceived.  It bothers me more, because I feel like this is another way for Green to hold back.  Just like holding back his money I feel like unconsciously he’s holding back what I need to conceive.  I am sure I am reading WAY TOO much into this but like all these triggers, they are odd, don’t make much sense to him and they seize me when I least expect them and to painful degree.

So what happens today when I need Green to be with me at this first fertility appointment?  GREEN IS LATE.  After racing to get the taxes filed by mail (we couldn’t file online due to some of my business deductions) and jumping on the freeway to the doctors office I called to let them know we would be late.  Well the doctor wouldn’t see us. Her staff says they can’t take late appointments, she runs a tight schedule, and there won’t be enough time to do everything we need to do to get this started right.  I was F’G PISSED.  Again.  I mean really, Green knew how important this appointment was me. He knew how hard it was to get. And Green knew that I was already annoyed about doing the taxes LATE.

Green asked if I was mad. I said yes. I didn’t reference the fact that he was late but I did say that I had to take the afternoon off from work to do this, that I had to put Ditto in daycare for the afternoon (not free) and that now I would have to reschedule and do it all over again.  He asked if Ditto was mad that she had to go to daycare. And then I lost it.  I said yes.  He asked how I felt about that and I started to cry.  I said I was both mad and sad.  Green asked why.  I exploded.

mother_daughter02“I am mad AND sad because Ditto doesn’t like it when I take her to daycare.  She thinks I might not come back.  When you chose your whore and left – you didn’t care what it did to her.  But she doesn’t like me to leave. She COUNTS ON ME.  When she has to go to daycare she thinks I am rejecting her. Like you rejected me.  And her. And our family.  Its not fair.  You used the fact that I would never leave to have your affair.  You knew I would always stay! It’s not fair to be held to a higher standard than you, to be punished for it and for you to take advantage of me for it!   And to top it off  YOU’RE  ALWAYS LATE”

Poor Green.  I knew he was intimidated and felt bad but damn did he really think I wasn’t gonna be upset? He hugged me.  Green apologized and offered to buy me lunch.   I told him no I wasn’t hungry and it would just be a waste.  Since he had to go back to work because there was a case to file Green said he felt bad he couldn’t spend the afternoon with me but offered instead to bring me dinner from my favorite taco place.  Really?! Tacos?! I want to smash a taco in his face!

We start marriage counseling on Thursday. I can’t believe we have survived this long. I am not sure I can continue.  To be fair to Green he has shown me more growth, sensitivity and remorse in the last 3 months that he has shown me since Dday #1 in October 2011.  Still it seems like an eternity. How man more of these days will I face pushing down my anger, my resentment and my feelings of disrespect?  Is Green my Tax-Man  taking more than he gives? Just how much am I supposed to pay into this marriage and what I am getting back from him?  

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6 Responses to “Taxes, triggers & trying to conceive”

  1. zenpoppy April 16, 2013 at 12:53 am #

    Has he ever explained away that lying about money behavior? Because that just seems so outrageous to me–child support money isn’t going to you, it’s going to your children! The OW is lucky that you’re not suing her for emotional distress or to get that money back. From a purely legal perspective, at some point, you might consider asking your husband to sign over a certain amount and put it other your children’s name, just so it’s their property and not community property.

    Also, did he explain why he was late? And finally, not to second guess or sound judgmental, but will bringing another baby into the mix at this point, when things still seem rocky-ish (from your blog at least) add a lot more stress?

    • Flaca April 16, 2013 at 1:16 am #

      Hey there Zenpoppy, thanks for dropping by. All are valid concerns and questions –
      1) Yes, he told me he lied about the money because he didn’t expect we’d get back together. He told me once, before I threw him out and I was asking him what the hell was going on, “We’ll never get over IT.” I didn’t know then what “it” was. Green’s an attorney, we both have legal backgrounds & I’ve been divorced once before so I know how the game is played. I was not surprised when he hid his assets what pissed me off was the lies. To be fair, once I suspected the affair, I too hid a portion of my income because I didn’t want him to leave me high & dry. Divorce makes people do really shitty stuff.
      2) Yeah I would love to sue the stupid whore!! But what’s the point? Her broke ass doesn’t have anything I want. It would be too much money spent on someone who is worthless.
      3) Since we have reconciled I have gotten from Green a post-nuptial. In it I got the house, child support until the kids are 24 or done with college, and a modest alimony for myself. Sure he could fight it but its a lot more than I had two years ago. It is source of great security for me. Cheaper to keep her as they say?
      4) He was late because he always books his appointments with court/clients too close together plus his commute is pretty harsh and he always underestimates his travel time. He’s actually getting better but it is a source of constant annoyance with me.
      5) Finally the new baby… I know it sounds nuts! But I want another baby with or without him. I think I have an OCD thing about the # 3 and I always wanted 3 kids. I wanted the baby before the affair & I don’t see why his stupid affair should cost me yet another thing I planned on. I am not trying for a boy -I just feel incomplete without that last baby. I don’t need his money to support another child. I make a pretty good income & I work from home, so I could manage without him, as I did when he was gone. To be true, yes things are rocky with HIM. And US. But not me. Maybe I am being selfish but its my turn. I am ready for another baby. I already let him steal a year of my life…my plans… I won’t give him anymore.

      • zenpoppy April 16, 2013 at 1:22 am #

        All the best then! Babies are always a blessing! And you sound like a great mom. And yes, don’t let him take more from you anymore. He should be bending over backwards to GIVE to you.

      • Flaca April 16, 2013 at 4:05 am #

        Indeed! Thanks!

  2. Still Loving Him April 17, 2013 at 3:20 pm #

    Wow you have a lot going on. I wanted to comment earlier but with the accident I’ve not had a lot of time.

    Another baby? Does Green also want to have another child? Do you guys co-parent well? From a previous post it sounded like you do most of the parenting and have just begun giving him more responsibility. I understand the clock ticking and have a goal of 3 kids and all that. But, are you sure you want to bring anothet child into a marriage that’s barely hanging on? And do you want to go through a pregnancy while you’re all stressed out over affair recovery? Have you truly evulauated your current motives about wanting another child?

    Plus Green lied to you about income I’m order to avoid paying more for the KIDS HE ALREADY HAS. Why would you want more kids with a man who tried to avoid his responsibility to the ones he already has. And how did you not know how much money he made? I made my husband send me his electronic pay stub every time he got paid, and we have joint checking. That said he did get his father to give him a secret credit card and he lied to me about profits from investments, the only one he was in charge alone of taking care of. Bastard. God I hate men.

    How selfish of him to be late to the appt if he’d agreed to go. But, I hope your asking yourself, if he didn’t show up on time, is this really what he wants? Is he just going along with this to keep you? Bringing another human into this world is a huge deal, if at all possible that human should be wholly wanted by both parents. You won’t want your child to suffer because his/her father did not really want him/her and only did it to keep their mother. That would be a huge burden to bear.

    It sounds like you have so much to think about.

    My husband also signed a post-nup it was one of my conditions of staying with him. We spent $10k and 2 attorneys to draft it. Your post reminded me of it. My H agreed to life time alimony if I divorce him in addition to a large lump sum settlement. He owns a large share in a company that’s going to sell in the next few years, when he gets his stock check he has to give me half that day, married or not. He took 7 years of my life and made it all a lie, I’m making the mother fucker pay.

    • Flaca April 17, 2013 at 7:28 pm #

      Honestly SLH all of your concerns are valid & some of the ones I still have to sort through. We aren’t 100% on the baby train yet but given my age and the loud ass ticking biological clock I did want to figure it out before it became too late. Yes Green & I have a lot to sort through so we’ll see where we’re at in a few months. To his credit we did have the make fertility appt today & he was the one ON MY ASS to be on time. Probably to make it court on time later on today but still it was nice for him to push something for once, you know. The money thing is annoying to be sure but like I said during our separation I suspected it and wasn’t surprised by it. The thing was he started another job right before I threw him out so he when he got his direct deposit he didn;’t put into our shared account. I too made the fucker give me a post nuptial – yeah these fuckers should know that when and if I decided to end this marriage they will pay. I get most everything – the house, alimony, child support and yes, I got a cash settlement too. We are too smart for these guys! I remember my friend, an attorney, reviewed the post nuptial and he asked if I really needed the alimony. I said no but I want that fucker to remember me every month when he sends me that check and to realize how he FUCKED UP! And I want the whore, if he had married her, to feel the pain in sending me that money too! Thanks for your comments – as always I love to read them. Hope you are feeling better.

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