A Fool in Love

6 Apr

You’re just a fool, you know you’re in love
You’ve got to face it to let it explode
You take the good along with the bad
Sometimes you’re happy and sometimes you’re sad
You know you love him, you can’t understand
Why he treats you like he do, When he’s such a good man? A Fool in Love, Ike & Tina Tuner

This afternoon I returned from my business trip and I was annoyed. Part of my route back took me through an area that Green had taken his whore Gremlin for fornication/vacation prior to Dday #2. What should have been a beautiful drive through verdant green valleys instead was thoughts like, “Did they lunch there? Get gas and snacks there? Did he stop at that winery? Oh hell no! Is that THE ratty motel?” Oh , yes, I was in a super shitty mood for the next 2 hours of travel back home to be sure.

And then Green called. Call it karma or bad timing but yeah it wasn’t good. In my defense, I wasn’t SUPER bitchy but I wasn’t in the mood to talk. I told him why I was annoyed. He said he was sorry. Yeah, put your sorries in a sack! So I told him, while I would be home in time to pick up the kiddos from the daycare, I really would just prefer to just go home and nap. Green said that was fine, he had planned to leave work early anyway and he would pick them up as planned.

So I got home and laid down. The house was in shambles but I didn’t care. My mind was dark. My spirit was drained again. Any progress or rest I got from my business trip out-of-town had evaporated. The only bright side was that his car, the whore-mobile-his Audi was gone. Green had texted me yesterday that it was sold and it was going to be towed away. It made me sad to see that it was gone. Our nice luxury car – like our marriage – ruined by his dirty filthy infidelity. Green gave it up to ease my mind, to eliminate a trigger, but still we should have never had to do that if he just STAYED FAITHFUL!

He got home about an hour later and my little kiddos greeted me with loads of kisses and hugs. And demands for juice. Dang kids. Green looked a bit petrified. I was cool to him, no kiss hello. I know I looked good, I had done my makeup and I had gotten a fresh hair coloring in between my conference bookings yesterday. He started to feed the kiddos. I went to the bedroom – I wanted to read blogs and find solace on the web. After a few minutes, Green followed me with dark chocolate candy and a Coke. Jerk. He knows me too well. Then Green gave me card. Jerk.

On its cover was a boy & girl on the beach, embracing, facing the ocean. It read, “Paradise is always where love dwells,” Jean Paul Richter. It went on, “Lost in our world together is where I want to be.”

Jerk.

Green wrote in the card, “S- , Welcome home! As you can see the Audi is gone. But it’s time for a new beginning. I used that car to disrespect you, our marriage and to live a bad life. That is not something I want. It was a tool for me to be destructive and deceitful.

I want us to focus on the future while we still have a chance. I know that you hate me and I will have to work to get your love back. I’ve missed you these last two days. Our family is not complete without you. Give me a chance to do what I should have done. I should have shared my heart with you and shared your love. I love you. Lets make future memories that destroy the old tainted past. I want to be with you always & I was a fool for the past two years. I hope that you can forgive me. Love always, Z”

Jerk.

So now what. Of course it makes me happy. He frustrates me SO MUCH! I know Green can be tender and loving. But I remember, too, the Green that was cold, cruel, selfish and deceitful. For now, I’ll cling to the card and the hope it has given me. Green is trying. I wish he would try more… counseling would be key. I do love Green, I so miss him – my friend, the husband I used to know and trust. How do I stop with the sniper comments about his affair and open up to letting him back in? I need to stop being so ungrateful. Green’s trying, I need to accept that, and if I want this marriage survive I have to accept his attempts to help me heal.

Jerk.

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5 Responses to “A Fool in Love”

  1. Still Loving Him April 6, 2013 at 2:09 pm #

    I have stacks of cards like that, a collection that started following D-day. I keep one on my desk that he wrote early on, if I get in a “I fucking hate you” mode I read the card.

    They make it hard to heal and hard to hate them.

    I’m so glad for you that the car is gone. Hopefully you’ll have fun car shopping!

    On the rare occasions I’ve left my H with the kids the house has always been a mess when I returned. Maybe that’s just a man thing!

    I hope the rest of your weekend is lovely!!! Nothing like fresh hair to make you feel good!

    • Flaca April 6, 2013 at 3:23 pm #

      Oh it’s only my second card detailing any remorse for his actions or about his feelings for me. I WISH I had a stack! Maybe it’s a start… It’s been a long time coming! 🙂

  2. Comfortably Numb April 10, 2013 at 10:18 am #

    Wow, again, I relate to this post so well. My husband is trying to be affectionate with me and to make me happy – meanwhile im so bitter about things that have happened. Im trying to appreciate the effort he is making but its hard NOT to make snide remarks or twisted sarcasm. I use humour to deflect in awkward situations so i my home recently i may as well be a stand up bloody comedian!

    I WISH I could have had something from him to express any kind of remorse…but apparently my husband doesnt understand feelings (no really) so I wont be holding my breath :/… but even if i had something to read from him, no doubt i would feel exactly the same as you do…isnt it funny? grass is greener and all that.

    I hope your husband means what hes saying, Im sure you now recognize changes which give him away so good luck (genuinely)
    Stay Strong
    xB

    • Flaca April 10, 2013 at 6:43 pm #

      I too react with sarcasm and snide remarks – don’t beat yourself up- its a defense mechanism. i am trying to control those but its hard. flowers, cards aren’t quite enough to get us back to where we used to be… i am trying to model the behavior i deserve to receive… but its hard. lies, deciet and manipulation can leave bitter scars – i wish you strength too. we need it! but we’ve made it this far, we’ve proven we have it within us!

      • Comfortably Numb April 10, 2013 at 9:52 pm #

        Hells yeah! 🙂 I’m so glad I found your blog

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