Road Trips & Gremlins

4 Apr

lil girl open roadSo in a few hours I will be on the road for work… a local business trip, a few hundred miles, 2 night stay, at a fancy resort to listen to some fancy muckety mucks talk about plans to change the world. I am supposed to wow them with my vision and inspire them with my passion. Meh.

What happened to me? I used to LOVE to travel for work. Flying or driving… a chance to leave the home behind and see something new. In the past it was a chance to catch up with friends, colleagues, who I hadn’t seen in a while… try a new hot restaurant or bar. Never anything naughty (hell I work in the nonprofit goody-goody world) but it was a little break, some good CLEAN fun. And now, I could care less about changing the world. I DON’T TRUST ANYONE. And it seems all I can think of is filth.

My mind is filled with triggers about the last time I traveled for work. When he went SHOPPING for his whore with my little baby in tow. What will he do now? Its over, its over I tell myself… she is GONE. But how will I truly know? All I keep thinking is… “Is Green gonna call the whore? Is he gonna drop the kids at the sitter so he can run off to have a dirty screw in filthy motel?”

Green says to trust him. He says he knows what he did was wrong.  Green says he is not looking for that kind of behavior or attention anymore. Green wants me to trust him again. And in a way, I do feel bad… I waited until a few days ago to tell him about this trip that I have known about for nearly two months.  I just DO NOT TRUST HIM.  I told him… “Yeah, I know its shitty but I just felt like if I told you in advance you’d find a way to plan or schedule something with your whore.”

Green, to his credit, didn’t get mad, he said, “I understand. Go. Have a good time. We’ll be fine.”

Its not that easy.  I’m anxious about the kids…. sometimes he gets impatient with them.  He is not with them nearly as much as I am so he doesn’t employ ways to distract them when they are grouchy or bratty.  Dot is 2 1/2 and she is a handful! Ditto is 5 but emotionally very clingy and she might freak out when I leave.  In the past, before the affair, I would drop them at my moms since I didn’t want him to be “bothered.” (Bothered by his own kids? Yeah, that was me trying to be nice… I didn’t want him to find fatherhood stifling.) And hey if I was gonna get some rest, I would think, well maybe he should get some too. It was when he usually would meet up with his friends for drinks or dinner. Hah, I WAS so stupid. I realize now I babied him. He is their father. I shouldn’t have to give him breaks.  Where was my break when he was off wining, dining and fucking the Gremlin?! (How do you like it? I gave her a new name – Gremlin – its suits her better.)

So I am forcing myself to have him figure it out for the next 48 hours. As my therapist told me, Let Go. Let him be the dad. Let him figure out how to get the kids fed, bathed, entertained and put to bed (and to keep them there) and then figure out how to feed, dress and get them to school and daycare. And to get home in time to pick them up and REPEAT. Welcome to fatherhood and ADULTHOOD, Green, this is how we grown ups do it.

Gah, I am praying to let go. Have some fun. After-all, it’s not like I can cut loose and do body shots off some stud bartender, these people are fancy colleagues (and potential employers, if I play my cards right) but it would be nice to just relax, enjoy the beach, sip a glass of wine and not think about IT. HIM. HIM & HER. HIM DOING HER. SEE?!

How do I quiet my mind?

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9 Responses to “Road Trips & Gremlins”

  1. Still Loving Him April 4, 2013 at 4:08 am #

    Your business trip sounds like a wonderful escape. I was just telling my husband today that I’m terrified to leave him so that I can go do something on my own away from home. In the past I also relieved him of the duty of caring for “his kids that weren’t even mine” when I would be out of town, although I rarely got away. I also did not trust his parenting abilities or his ability to care for the pets. He was like having another child.

    I hope you can let the stress go and enjoy your trip. I think it was smart not to tell him until the last minute. Good for you. You are in control of your life.

    If I was away like that I’m afraid I’d be tempted to be bad… You know, eye for an eye!

    • Flaca April 6, 2013 at 3:26 am #

      thanks SLH! I just got back, it was a mixed bag i guess. nice to be with people who VALUE me intellectually & as a colleague. but i felt like i was living a lie, everyone asked about Green & my kids, so that was always in the back of my mind. the nice marriage, the kiddos… dang if they knew i had been arrested for slapping him when i found out he was still having an affair?! they would probably choke on their fancy salads! but you can’t beat a beachfront resort, great conversation & margarita lunches. those times when i focused on work, our planning for the next year and celebrating our victories from the year before helped me find some value in the person i used to be.

      in the end, i should count my blessings & be grateful that my work gives me a bit of an escape.

      i have entertained the idea of being bad… but sadly i don’t seem have the energy. and just the idea of being with someone else seems gross to me. (believe me, i tried… when i finally detail my story i’ll share with you my adventures in online dating after i threw Green out of the house! )

      ugh, i think i need meds. i have little to no energy for anything. maybe its just jet lag.

  2. Leanie April 4, 2013 at 6:30 pm #

    I actually declined a business trip because of my hubby’s depression right before the last d-day. It wasn’t necessarily lack of trust regarding affair behavior, but he was sooo depressed and I didn’t know if I trusted him with the kids.

    I hope you do go on your trip and enjoy yourself. My hubby managed alone with the kids and I hope yours does good too!

    • Flaca April 6, 2013 at 3:32 am #

      yeah, it was my first business trip post DDay #2. i was really worried but i knew i had to let it go. if my marriage doesn’t survive i have to keep my livelihood! while my husband isn’t depressed, he can be prone to angry mood swings, and well a 2 year old can set anyone off… so i was worried he might be too impatient. in the end, yes, he managed. 🙂 perhaps i should give him more credit in the fatherhood department.

      i also think it helped him understand how difficult it is for me (and was for me the the 9 months he did not live at home) and appreciate ME a bit more. the house is a mess but everyone was fed, bathed & attended to. thank goodness for small victories!

  3. huperecho: to rise above April 4, 2013 at 11:01 pm #

    I hope you can relax and just enjoy your time away. Blessings!

    • Flaca April 6, 2013 at 3:29 am #

      i did, thank you for thinking of me!

  4. Comfortably Numb April 10, 2013 at 10:11 am #

    I understand your thoughts and worries entirely and I feel for you.

    Although my situation isnt AS cut and dry as an affair it IS a matter of learning to trust him again and its so difficult. Im not sure if you have read anything of mine but whenever I leave the house I assume he will be up to no good, when Im asleep or in the shower or…anywhere he is not basically. Its an awful feeling; you feel sick at the thought of him breaking any chance of real trust back down again, of disrespecting you again..

    but you know what? if he really wanted to do X Y and Z behind your (our) back then he would find a way, regardless of whether you were home or not, regardless of how much cock-blocking we did or how much effort we made on our appearance. Its a horrible thought but its the reality. Trust is the not knowing, its the faith we have and the boundaries we set… we cannot control other peoples actions but we can trust ourselves to do the right thing and without accepting that its hard to move forward.

    Stay Stong
    xB

    • Flaca April 10, 2013 at 5:30 pm #

      @CN – you are right. i realized that before i left and when i returned. i had to accept that yes, there was nothing i could do to stop him. and i would have to learn that if i want to stay in this marriage that i am risking being hurt again. that i have accept that i have to trust him again and that he might screw up again. all of our situations are difficult – if only they knew the effects on what they say (dont say), do (dont do) and lie and disrespect. thanks for your thougths and advice – i do appreciate them.

      • Comfortably Numb April 10, 2013 at 6:18 pm #

        I don’t know if I would call it advice… More someone relating and sharing their experience and lessons in an attempt to comfort you and let you know youre not alone and there IS hope. though saying that I realise most things are easier said than done and often we need to make our own mistakes and stumble a little in order to appreciate the good when it happens.
        Stay strong
        xB

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