Elusive Easter Egg of Forgiveness

1 Apr

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So my marriage barely survived Easter.  Damn this forgiveness thing… its HARD.

Commenter, BetrayalSurvivor1981, once posted “I am a Christian but I am NOT Christ!” And at the time that comment made me laugh. Well this weekend, BS1981, I clung on to that!  I am not Christ and while I am on the path to forgiveness, unfortunately I am not ready for the release, it would seem I just can’t find it but I remain committed to working on that forgiveness and sharing it with Green.  I know I am not perfect.  I know Green can’t be perfect. I have to get over that Green failed me.   Whether we stay married or not I HAVE to forgive because I can’t move on without it.

Infidelity is pain that is profound and deep.  Triggers clouded my head and reminders of this-time-last-year hung about heart.   Since Green has not come to me with full disclosure our healing is a raw seeping wound.  In his way, Green is trying but not to my satisfaction and therein lies my frustration.  He is a truth trickler.  In my opinion, Green’s pride is our greatest challenge. I would say Green’s (wounded) pride is what led to his cheating.  I feel like Green thought it was ok to humiliate me with no concern about my pride but to expose his truth, his affair, and to yield his pride seems just too much for Green.  And yet when he finally tells the me some truth I react with profound hurt and anger.  In my reaction of pain and anger lies Green’s frustration.  It would seem we are at a healing impasse.

Easter, even before the affair, always represented renewal, opportunity and forgiveness. Well I needed that this weekend but it seems like the pressure was too high.  I just could not get over this pain cloud that hung over me ALL weekend.  When Green told me some truths, to his credit embarrassing and shameful, I was too hurt to accept it.  And then he reacted in anger which made me even more hurt at his hypocrisy.  Green has the nerve to get mad at me for getting mad at him for HIS cheating on ME! WTF!  Really?

So over the weekend in between building the kiddos Easter surprise, getting the yard, home and bbq supplies ready for our Easter Sunday brunch, I took a break to find some help and I came across this- and it did help me. Regardless of its religious tone, I think it could help others too.

Knowing of this opportunity for life with Jesus after death helps us put things into perspective — to help us deal successfully with life’s everyday challenges that create worry and unhappiness. It also gives us the ability to forgive those who have trespassed against us.

In Ephesians 4:32, God tells us, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

I really needed this passage, I had to seek out some solace before I did something I would regret. So while I don’t want to get too preachy it really did help me frame what Easter has meant to me in the past, what I wanted it to mean now, and what I hope it will always mean.  I don’t always want to reference the Green’s infidelity when I think of renewal, redemption and the promise of Easter, and one day I hope I’ll stop thinking about it… but it didn’t happen this year.  Maybe next year. Hopefully it will be mine and God’s plan for next Easter.

In the end, Easter 2013 was a success because we survived. Thanks Green for the bottomless Margaritas!   I know the kiddos had fun – big full baskets, giggling Easter egg hunting, and the surprise Easter gifts were met with squeals of delight – and so I will hold on those memories to carry me through to the next Easter.  And I will hold on to my 2 year olds, Dot’s, sweet observation, “Mami, I love you because you are my best friend.  We ARE a happy family!”  I want to get back to that joyful and secure belief in love.

I hope your Easter was peaceful and bright!

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34 Responses to “Elusive Easter Egg of Forgiveness”

  1. Still Loving Him April 1, 2013 at 6:30 pm #

    Oh Flaca, I remember being exactly where you are, dealing with the hell off trickle truths. It’s so damaging to the healing process but for some reason our husbands just don’t get it.

    My husband would lie and evade the truth and then after interrogation he’d finally reveal something and I’d explode with anger. I’d get angry because I knew there was more and he’d put me through hell to get it. Then like your husband he would get angry because I was angry. It was all a viscous cycle. My husband finally spent about 7 hours in deep thought writing out everything he’d done wrong and specific details about things I wanted to know. He then read me the list he’d written. I think it was easier for him to do it that way. It did not stop my questions but it did give me peace that I finally knew everything. The questions that followed and still persist today are more like, “am I the best, the prettiest, do I give better oral?” All things stemming from my insecurities as a result of his infidelities.

    I hope that Green will see the light and give you the information you need to heal. He’s YOUR husband, you have every right to know exactly what he was doing with his mind and body that he promised would be only yours.

    I have older children and its hard enough going through all of this with them, I could not imagine doing it with younger kids.

    I like the scripture you posted. We went to church yesterday for Easter but I did not take communion, I felt it wouldn’t be right while I’m still holding on to so much anger, resentment and hate in my heart.

    I’m glad your Easter ended well and you got to enjoy your kids joy over it. We had a good Easter too. I’m going to blog about it when I get a chance. I’m sitting at the car wash now waiting on my Pilot to get pretty!!!

    • Flaca April 1, 2013 at 8:26 pm #

      Looking forward to hearing about your Easter too! My Pilot is filthy… its sprinkling and now it even looks more gross. Hopefully I can get Green to have it washed this week!

      Yeah this is tough – so Green gives me some truth and then my crazy brain… “she’s prettier, younger…. ” and my mouth says, “well my boobs may not be perfect… they got that way from nursing your fucking children you ungrateful fuck!” gah…i’m no dog but damn, this makes me feel SO UGLY.

      sometimes i wish i could lobotomize him and myself – make us forget this episode in our life ever happened. stupid husband and his stupid whore.

  2. huperecho: to rise above April 1, 2013 at 9:53 pm #

    4 Days after I got Full disclosure I went back east and stayed with a good friend who was not only a strong woman of God but had a PHD in counseling (marriage even). She was awesome. She never told me what I should or should not do but when she felt I was open she would share scenarios with me but she let me chew on it and come to my decisions. One scenario she share was this:

    There are three seats in heaven. We have one in the Center and that is where the Father sits and he is the only true and righteous God. No one else has the authority to make judgments other than him. On the right hand of the Father is the seat of the advocate which is where Jesus sits and where he lives to makes intercession for us day and night before the Father. On the left side is the seat of the accuser which is where the enemy sits because he stands before the presence of God to make accusations on behalf of God’s people. So whenever we get into a situation and we take offense and we attempt to sit in the judgment seat, because it’s not our place, we automatically shift over to the seat of the accuser and when we’re in that seat what happens is we give the enemy authority and ground to wreak havoc in circumstances and then he has free reign and to spread his poisons. And our prayers become wimpy. We deceive ourselves if we say. “ I’ll pray for him” yet hold judgment out against him. It doesn’t work. so we have to repent of our own accusations and our judgments and shift over to the advocates seat with Jesus and there our prayers have authority to truly enter into the situation where God can prevail and lives can be transformed and the enemy can be kicked out of the situation.

    I wanted my life to be transformed through this but I realized it was a process. I had to take thoughts captive almost every day. I still cried sometimes. Some of the stupidest things set me off. Every day I grew stronger. I asked the Lord for a supernatural sign as to whether I was to stay with my husband or not but he chose to work supernaturally within me instead.

    I also read an awesome book called Glad to Forgive. This too help me understand forgiveness and how to walk in it. I can ‘truly say that I have forgiven my husband completely. Our counselor told him that because of what I did it set in motion his healing and our family’s forgiveness. It wasn’t easy and I still had to deal with pain but for me I think it was having compassion on him and recognizing that he was hurting too. It’s been almost 10 months and we are doing better in our marriage then we ever have done. I believe we have the power to move heaven and give God a chance to make something beautiful out of something that was so ugly. I am determined not to live in the past but enjoy the rest of our lives together. I am blessed to have a husband who is truly repentant and sorry and doing everything to help me heal. But know this, if we hadn’t decided to pursue restoration I would have made it just fine on my own because I serve an awesome God and he is truly takes first place in my life. I am praying for you and your husband. Many Blessings and hugs!!!

    • Flaca April 1, 2013 at 10:20 pm #

      thank you for sharing that. i truly do appreciate it.

      i know that i am allowing this pain to hold me prisoner, to keep me from healing because i know that to heal risks getting hurt again. i just get so angry and i am so stubborn about the fact that i should have to risk ANYTHING when i gained nothing. perhaps that is what i am missing – finding WHAT IT IS that I or WE have gained from this experience? i don’t know yet.

      i do know that the hard part for me is that without full disclosure from Green i feel like i am living a half recovery – dragging it out is making this recovery process much more long, exhausting and frustrating.

  3. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 1, 2013 at 10:55 pm #

    1) (Flaca, I’m on a SLOW word-limiting snippets-posting-only phone; this comment is going to take some time to post)…

  4. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 1, 2013 at 11:01 pm #

    2) This is betrayalsurvivor1981 (just call me “1981”). Thanks for referencing me, albeit w/the wrong name. LOL 😀 You…

    • Flaca April 1, 2013 at 11:17 pm #

      Indeed I did get it wrong! I’m sorry, SURVIVOR! I’ll fix it now 1981. Oops.

  5. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 1, 2013 at 11:07 pm #

    3) know my story &, therefore, you know I’m an old veteran of the “BW Club,” w/MULTIPLE OWs, an OC, & a serial-cheating

  6. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 1, 2013 at 11:13 pm #

    4) xH who, after more than 30yrs, is STILL unrepentant & unremorseful. (He’s w/Wife #4; I was W#1. Go figure.)…

  7. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 1, 2013 at 11:19 pm #

    5) SLH is one of my favorite bloggers, & so is Marie (huperecho)! Marie is right a/b forgiveness, but I want to expound

  8. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 1, 2013 at 11:26 pm #

    6) on it. Forgiveness is a CHOICE, not a CHORE. Marie, for example, made a CHOICE and then she put the rest in God’s…

  9. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 1, 2013 at 11:31 pm #

    7) very capable Hands. Forgiveness can not be FORCED or RUSHED. Once a person has CHOSEN to forgive, a process…

  10. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 1, 2013 at 11:38 pm #

    8) begins. The pain & suffering of betrayal is still very much present during the manifestation of the process. It is…

  11. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 1, 2013 at 11:49 pm #

    9) a progression that must be EMBRACED, not ELUDED. An excellent book a/b the natural progression of the manifestation

  12. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 1, 2013 at 11:57 pm #

    10) of forgiveness is written by parents who chose to forgive–& MUCH later, to befriend–the female drunk driver…

  13. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 2, 2013 at 12:03 am #

    11) who killed 2 of the authors’ 3 children: “The Road To Forgiveness: Hearts Shattered by Tragedy, Transformed by Love”

  14. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 2, 2013 at 12:09 am #

    12) by Bill & Cindy Griffiths (who were interviewed on Oprah years ago). The person who chooses to forgive DOESN’T…

  15. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 2, 2013 at 12:15 am #

    13) try to FAKE her/his feelings, nor FORCE the other person to do the right thing. This is where PRAYER is…

  16. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 2, 2013 at 12:21 am #

    14) crucial—BIG TIME! ONLY God can purify a person’s heart.

    Flaca, you & the rest of we BSs know that Green…

  17. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 2, 2013 at 12:28 am #

    15) needs IC & that you both need Affair Recovery MC. (NOTE: not every MC specializes in Affair Recovery, so be…

  18. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 2, 2013 at 12:34 am #

    16) CAREFUL and CHOOSEY! DJ (Not Over It) said the wrong counselor FOR HER & HER H almost broke up their marriage….

  19. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 2, 2013 at 12:40 am #

    17) The right counselor/therapist for You & Green may NOT be the right one for me, & vice-versa. Counselors are like…

  20. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 2, 2013 at 12:46 am #

    18) shoes: sometimes you have to try on a few before you make your final selection.

    Ask God to work on Green’s heart…

  21. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 2, 2013 at 12:54 am #

    19) & to bring yr H to the realization that he must get professional help in healing you, him, & yr marriage….

  22. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 2, 2013 at 1:02 am #

    20) Flaca, I’m a daughter of a church pastor (now deceased); a Christian, but NOT Christ. 🙂 I send you my love, prayers

  23. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 2, 2013 at 1:10 am #

    21) & utmost respect for yr strength & tenacity!

    Btw, I rd yr comments on Mr B’s survey. Would love if you’d reply…

  24. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 2, 2013 at 1:16 am #

    22) to Mrs B’s post: http://www.bubsyd.wordpress.com/2013/03/31/and-finally

  25. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 2, 2013 at 1:27 am #

    23) Oh, and Flaca:
    Hang in there, girlfriend! We BWs are some tough mammajammas! 😀

    1981

    • Flaca April 2, 2013 at 5:19 am #

      Thank you! I will look up that book. I find that thinking of the loss in ‘losing’ my old marriage is a great way to deal with the grief over it and seek the healing for it. I am moving toward choose the peace that comes from forgiveness but its so hard without the WHOLE truth. I do pray for Green but I wish he would pray too. He’s so used to internalizing his feelings that he doesn’t know how to share them with anyone and now, he doesn’t trust sharing them with me. Crazy as it sounds I know I have to stop kicking him about this… if only he knew the feelings I had. He asks if its payback. Perhaps in a way it is??? Is that sick?

  26. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 2, 2013 at 1:46 am #

    🙂 😀 LOL!!! 😀 🙂
    You surreptitiously corrected my moniker on your post. You slick gal, you! 😀

    xo 1981 🙂

    • Flaca April 2, 2013 at 5:09 am #

      No, I didn’t do it surreptitiously, I just read your comment as I approved it & then I went back and fixed it! 😉
      Did you see my reply? I wanted to make sure credit went to where credit is due!
      Thanks again for all your commentary & advice. It is appreciated!

  27. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 2, 2013 at 5:45 am #

    1) U asked (above) if yr feelings were “sick.” No, Flaca; they’re HUMAN! Christ died & rose to save us b/c we COULDN’T..

  28. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 2, 2013 at 5:53 am #

    2) save ourselves! If we were PERFECT, He wouldn’t have had to go through all that, would He?! I cuss & say things…

  29. betrayalsurvivor1981 April 2, 2013 at 5:58 am #

    3) that would make my parents roll over in their graves! Thank God for Jesus! 😀

    xo 1981

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