This is Me, Asking for Help

26 Mar

strength vs weaknessElle over @ Betrayed Wives Club had recently posted about asking for help entitled, Help: Your First Prayer, and it helped me realize that I can’t start this journey of healing after marital infidelity without some help.  So this is me taking those first steps.

Since my Dday #1 of Oct. 2011 I have been just trolling other blogs, reading reading reading…. losing 30 lbs and generally driving myself crazy. Dday #2 made me feel even more crazy, used and abused. Now I try to survive by staying busy, working, keeping our home and thankfully with the kiddos who give me a reason to push the pain aside. But then at night… in the stillness of the home, while the kiddos sleep, when Green and I are should be chatting, reconnecting… cuddling in bed. The affair is there. She creeps in. The anger. The resentment.  The pain. Mostly the confusion of how to accept this marriage & how I still I love this stupid jerk, Green, who cheated on me.  And how do I reconcile forgiveness of my cheating husband while I try to find purpose in demonstrating redemption and second chances to our children and our community. How do I quiet my mind? who says “Asking for help shows weakness, forgiveness means you are a doormat with no boundaries or self-esteem, and that he GOT AWAY WITH IT.”  How do I find strength when I feel so weak?

Elle wrote,

Strength is a good thing. It has likely served your children well as you’ve struggled to sift through the aftermath of your spouse’s affair. But I think we all need to recognize the strength it takes to be vulnerable. To allow our hearts to soften and let uncertainty in. There’s a great moment in the video with Oprah where she mentions something Dr. Phil once said re. infidelity. It’s not about trusting the other person, he said, it’s about trusting yourself.
Can you trust yourself enough that you can maintain your equilibrium even if your husband cheats again? Can you trust yourself enough that you can stay strong in your values even when those around you let you down?
And can you love yourself enough (give up the loathing!) even in your vulnerability and uncertainty and fear? You’re doing the best you can under very trying circumstances. Allow yourself to screw up. Allow yourself to the time to figure out who this new you is and what she brings to the table (coping skills? wisdom? acceptance?).
And try to reframe fragility and weakness as vulnerability…which as Brown points out, takes enormous courage. To be brave and scared at the same time.

Thanks to bloggers like Elle and others who are surviving infidelity… I am learning that I may have been betrayed but I am no fool. I am not weak. I am fragile and wounded but I am not broken or discarded.  Surviving infidelity is a scary place to be but I am looking forward to getting on the other side.  


11 Responses to “This is Me, Asking for Help”

  1. recover1day March 27, 2013 at 2:43 am #

    Wow. That’s a very compelling post! More words I need to hear and try to accept…

    • Flaca March 27, 2013 at 5:12 am #

      thanks! i just started following your blog. lets help each other! hugs!

  2. Still Loving Him March 27, 2013 at 3:45 am #

    Personally for me it would have been a lot easier to leave him. Staying and forgiving is a lot harder than leaving would have ever been. Even though I’ve committed to staying I still find myself daydreaming about leaving him, about how my new life would be, about decorating my new little house and not having to worry about him all the time. Not wondering if he’s thinking about other women or if I’m enough for him. None of us should ever have to think those things.

    This is a great post filled with great advice, thank you.

    • Flaca March 27, 2013 at 5:11 am #

      SLH, yes, I agree it would have been easier (and cheaper) to leave. But leaving, giving up and moving on, in my opinion, was taking the easy way out in the same way he, Green, my CS had done. When Green should have turned to me for support, he chose to believe that I was the enemy – the root of all his problems – and quite he literally fell right into the whore’s waiting lap. Was he innocent? No but he was hurting and even in the depth of my own pain I could see it. I wanted to help him. I love(d) him and I still see it, so I waited, and stayed.

      Let me be clear, nothing was or is an excuse for cheating. He was unhappy? He was frustrated? Whatever… welcome to the club! Before you cheat talk to your spouse, idiot! Furthermore, I just couldn’t lose anymore… I had an opportunity to keep my family together for our very young kids who adore him. He wasn’t the best father, he still isn’t that great, but he’s trying and I want my girls to have the best relationship with their father that they can possibly have.

      In the end, I am a sucker for projects and I responded impulsively to ‘fix him’ and by default.. fix us. Was it a healthy choice? No but at the time it was all I could do to manage. In the long term, was it the right one? That I still don’t know. That’s part of what I am trying to figure out. I do have to work on my anger issues about the affair (hah! it got me arrested and in jail but more on that later!) and I need to work on my own self esteem (which has never been that great). Perhaps this affair will provide me with healing about at least one of those things… my own silver lining?

      What I do know:
      1) I certainly wasn’t losing Green to the whore without a fight. That troll thought it was a game & she thought she won. Hah, that bitch didn’t KNOW me & once I knew a game was being run on me you can bet I fucked with her head too. Again, its not my proudest moment but in my f’d up way I found my confidence.

      2) I no longer judge people. I used to be one those “oh no adultery is a deal breaker, I would leave him a minute!” Nope, that didn’t happen. Funny thing is in my first marriage, I was cheated on, and I left. I didn’t bother fighting for that marriage. But I had no kids then. I was very young. Somehow this feels very different.

      3) I don’t know everything but I’m gonna make a try of this. We’ll see if Green rises to challenge. So far he’s trying, I think.

      ps. thanks for visiting SLH! Your visit made my day. I love your blog!

  3. betrayalsurvivor1981 March 29, 2013 at 1:12 am #

    1) (On a word-limiting snippets-posting-only phone) Flaca, what’s yr story? I’ve gotten bits & pieces from yr posts…

  4. betrayalsurvivor1981 March 29, 2013 at 1:17 am #

    2) on other blogs. I caught some flack when I posted on “A Year After The Affair” that it’s MUCH HARDER to STAY w/ a…

  5. betrayalsurvivor1981 March 29, 2013 at 1:23 am #

    3) CH than it is to LEAVE! (Flack DIDN’T come from Shawn, the blog’s author, as she agrees w/me.) I applaud yr tenacity!

  6. betrayalsurvivor1981 March 29, 2013 at 2:04 pm #

    Oops! I’m sorry, Flaca. Forgot I asked “where’s yr story” b4 (slap upside the head). Got a lot on my mind. Sorry again.

    • Flaca April 1, 2013 at 8:28 pm #

      its ok BS1981! i need to write it out. its long. and painful. but i’ll do it. i know… my story is confusing, i need to put things in context, soon i hope! thanks so much for your posts & for visiting.


  1. What have we gained? | Repairing Shattered Pieces - April 7, 2013

    […] This is Me, Asking for Help ( […]

  2. And she’s cracked | Comfortably Numb - April 9, 2013

    […] This is Me, Asking for Help ( […]

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