Travel Triggers

24 Jan

My new job has me traveling a ton for work.  In the last three weeks I have only been home on the weekends.

It’s not bad really and although I am away from my kids I am not gonna lie I needed the break of a new job and travel to find myself again.  Green owes me anyway… how many night did he have ‘off’ before and during our separation when he said he was working late and he was instead in some dirty motel cheating? Not coming home?

I know its hard for him… I hear him patiently tell the girls to get to bed when we speak at night. He doesn’t complain. He encourages me in my new job.  He should but sometimes I wonder how much of it he sees as penance.  What’s worse is that I can’t even imagine the nutty outfits he dresses them in for school everyday and the hair styles.  At least Ditto has a school uniform.

Due to the nature of my work I am luckily enough to stay in pretty nice hotels.  I have a lot of meetings (not those kind!) in hotels with colleagues and staff so they tend to be nicer 4 or 5 star varieties that are safe, cozy and in some cases pretty luxe and swanky.

Not tonight.

I got stuck in a freeze sweeping across Louisiana and instead of returning back to cool New Orleans for the night I am being put up at a sort of grungy motel.

no-tell-motelUgh. The triggers. Mind movies.  What a night it will be!

All I can think of is the dirty acts that Green and Maria acted out in a similar place.  Oddly enough the other hotels I stay at didn’t trigger me in the way that this room… where I currently sit and type is bothering the shit out of me.   Green never spent money on a nice place for them.  This is the kind of setting he chose to for date nights and rendezvous for his cheap whore. Gross.  I guess for Green and his whore taste nor standards were required when you want to just wanted to be ‘naughty’ and ‘fun.’

Still the room looks clean enough, the hotel is remodeled, the sheets are bright white… but ugh… the suspicion lingers.  I know I shouldn’t be so sensitive. I thought my triggers were evaporating… nope, I guess not.

Green has called me three times to check on me but I am not taking his calls. Hearing his voice in this setting with the intense feelings I am having is just going to set me up for bitchy, snarky comments, more feelings of rage and of course a fight.  I can’t deal with that right now. It’s too cold out.  I’m tired from traveling all week. If I wasn’t afraid of sleeping late and missing my morning flight home I’d take a sleeping pill and force myself to sleep.

I wish I could just silence the voices… quiet the images.

12 Responses to “Travel Triggers”

  1. michellethewife January 24, 2014 at 5:42 pm #

    Flaca, I’m sorry you are being triggered especially when you are trying to use this time to find yourself and get a much needed break.

    I was wondering, do you or Green have other difficulties when you spend a night apart? Do you ever wonder if he’d be tempted to cheat again in your absence, or does he worry about you having a revenge affair ?

    • Flaca January 24, 2014 at 5:48 pm #

      Thanks Michelle.

      I don’t have issues trusting him – when I am gone he has to mind the kiddos. He doesn’t really have anywhere to take them in my absence.

      I have occasionally had the revenge affair thought – it would be so easy, hotels have bars. Bars have friendly stangers with rooms within easy access. Lucky for him I am stupidly loyal. The idea of cheating as revenge is gross to me. Don’t get me wrong.. the thought has crossed my mind.

      I’m just too lazy to try I think!

      • michellethewife January 24, 2014 at 6:03 pm #

        lol I get that! Affairs seem like too much work

  2. http://yesthisreallydidhappen.com January 24, 2014 at 5:46 pm #

    Oh Flaca. How I understand. I remember my first hotel stay after dday. It was charlotte NC, with RB. It was difficult. Still is at times. I hope you find rest and peace tonight.

  3. uneffingbelievable January 24, 2014 at 6:14 pm #

    Unfortunately, you’re having to deal with the permanent, indelible tattoo that infidelity inks onto our hearts and souls. Wouldn’t you give pretty much anything to not have this be a part of your life story? Ignorance is indeed bliss. Hang in there.

  4. Ann January 24, 2014 at 6:20 pm #

    My H only meet his whore at a cheap motel 6 that didn’t require a credit card (of course she knew all this since it was her regular spot)! I can’t even drive by one without feeling sick! So sorry you have to spend the night in such a place. My H, much like green would never have asked me to stay in one of those motels.
    Safe travels tomorrow!

  5. Patti January 28, 2014 at 6:37 am #

    I am so sorry that you are going through a rough time because of the triggers. I have been there too and know that triggers can cause so much pain and grief. I have often wondered if my husband ever has triggers about his affair and feels regret or remorse. Do you think your husband does?

    • Flaca January 30, 2014 at 11:48 am #

      Hey there, honestly I don’t know if he has ‘triggers’ in the same way I do. What an interesting question. I’m gonna ask Green tonight.

      I am triggered to feel anger, sadness and depression. I think he feels constant regret in moments when he says ‘I love you’ and I don’t say it back. Honestly that is very hard for me to say to him. I remember saying it to him all the time when he was cheating on me… saying it out loud now makes me feel vulnerable. I know he feels regrets when scenes of adultery come on in movies/tv – he will immediately change the channel. I know he feels bad in how his affair affected our intimacy, our sex life, into near extinction. I guess he feels bad, he acts repentant and tries to be sensitive, but I don’t know if he’s triggered the way I am.

      Unfortunately my husbands unhealthy way of dealing with things is, to according to him, “JUST BE A BETTER MAN.” Oddly enough when I married him I thought he was a good man. I wish for him he’d get more individual counseling so he could be open to being that good man without feeling like he always has to prove himself. It was when he lost his sense of being a good person that he slipped into a spiral of self destruction that included his adultery.

      I’m sorry for your experience with this too – I hope you are well. Have a great weekend!

      • Paula January 30, 2014 at 6:21 pm #

        I asked mine about the cheater’s triggers just a week or so ago. He says he doesn’t trigger like I do. He says it is like that part of his life, although he knows it was real, and he did do this to us, and he owns that shame, was some kind of weird nightmare that happened to someone else, for want of a better way of putting it, and that the times we go past where she lives, or where they fucked, or other triggers, like a period of time, or a phrase that was used, he doesn’t think of her, or of that time, whereas I do, IMMEDIATELY. Sucks to be the betrayed, in just another way, the gift that keeps on giving. Interesting talk though, as he was cheated on BY THE SAME PERSON decades earlier, and knows to a degree, what happens with triggers from the viewpoint of the betrayed (one of the reasons I thought he was very unlikely to stray, he knows the hurt, but only after dating for a year or two, not after a lifetime and three kids, etc together – he sees how much harder that is for me than it was for him when she was cheating on him.) I had some recently, too – actually, I have them all the time seeing as they conducted the affair on my property, but this was a travel and time one. Managed well, but it was only through hard work, the mindfulness, that I did.

  6. DJ February 3, 2014 at 1:58 pm #

    Hey Flaca – some triggers fade into the muck after a while; others don’t. Your hotel trigger is one that sinks its claws into your soul and won’t let go. I am experiencing one of those – Daniel is on a trip to his hometown. I couldn’t go this time because of work. It’s been difficult for the past few days.

    Hope you are feeling better now.

  7. Patti February 6, 2014 at 6:36 am #

    I think I may feel a little better if I knew that my husband had triggers. That he would see something, hear something or remember something to trigger thoughts about how his actions could have ended our marriage, all of the hurt he caused and un-repairable damage his affair caused. I wish that a trigger would lead to him hurting sometimes and not just me. I know that triggers are different for the cheater than the person cheated on but I want him to feel it too sometimes.

    • Flaca March 1, 2014 at 2:26 pm #

      Ditto. Sometimes I am convinced I am married to the coldest narcissistic psychopath I know. He sleeps so soundly. I just look at him and consumed by thinking… “How the fuck is he asleep at a time like this?!” Ugh. To be a selfish jerk must be such a blessing.

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