For the past two years I have dreaded New Years Eve.
On New Years Eve 2011 my husband ditched me to spend the day with his whore.
He stupidly thought I didn’t know he was with her. He thought I really believed he was getting his car fixed and seeing his friends at sports-bar ALL DAY LONG. I knew he was fornicating in a cheap motel with her.
He called me at 9 pm on his way back home and coldly said, “I’m on my way. Get ready.”
I was so pissed off! My response was not good. I was angry. I was humiliated. I was scared.
I screamed back. “Fuck off. Don’t bother. Go back to your whore.”
Green laughed. “I wasn’t with anyone. YOU. ARE. CRAZY.”
I felt a few seconds of doubt. (Yes, stupid, I know but that is what gas-lighting did to me… I wanted to believe I was crazy when my husband was cheating on me.) But then I got angry again. Fuck. Him. Did he really think I was so pathetic that I would just leap into his arms… his arms that reeked of her filthiness. Of his disgusting deceit. Nope, even I had some pride left.
“Fuck you. You are a fucking a liar. Go back to your whore. This is not your home anymore,” I hissed back.
He laughed. “Ok,” he said and laughed some more.
We hung up. I was furious. And then I cried. I sobbed. I was alone. She won. I was trash. Disposable.
Ugh. What a shitty way to ring in the New Year. I opened a bottle of champagne but only had half a glass. Even I knew that was to pathetic to do. Drink alone. Watching TV? I fucking hate Ryan Seacrest. But that night I watched the ball drop. Alone. For the first time since 2002 and being with Green I had no one to kiss me and tell me they loved me at midnight. I literally wanted to die.
I am ashamed of how I felt that night. The kiddos, Dot was 1 and Ditto was 4, were at my parent’s home. They were safe and loved. That night I considered killing myself. Green surely didn’t care. He went back (he has since admitted it) to pick up his whore Maria from her mothers house and they went back to the motel where they had been fornicating at the entire day before. They resumed their filthy activities. How romantic for them.
The next day, January 1, 2012, was pure hell.
- I left Green a voice-mail telling him I hoped he enjoyed fucking his whore because I was done with him being a coward.
- I called his mother and told him that I knew he was cheating on me and that to be prepared for when I threw him out. (She stupidly tried to tell me about her own failing relationship. What the f?!)
- Green called to say he was on his home to talk. I said that was fine because I replied that I wanted a divorce. Even then he didn’t come home until the early afternoon when I assume the ghetto motel they were staying at FINALLY threw them out of their DNA stained room.
- I mowed the lawn in his absence… its always very warm in So. California on New Years Eve oddly enough so I got out my aggression on pruning roses and hedges. My girlfriend who knew what was going on told me not to do roadwork. She said, “No don’t mow the lawn. Make him do it. He’s an asshole why should you do all the work too?!” I actually enjoyed how pushing the lawn mower made my arms hurt… the physical pain distracted me from the emotional one that was eating away at my gut. At that time I weighed only 100 pounds. From late October 2011 to the New Year I had already lost 30 pounds. I’m 5’8 tall. It was not a good look. Green admits now, that in his affair fog, he didn’t notice how thin I had gotten. My brother told me, “Skinny jeans aren’t supposed to be baggy.”
Anyway, that afternoon when Green got home he took a shower with me to prove to me that he hadn’t cheated. While showering I saw a tiny hickie on his chest but again he denied its existence and denied cheating. He said he had slept in his car in the parking lot of a hotel. Yeah. Right. We had a shitty dinner out a Thai restaurant because I thought if we ate at home that I might stab him with a knife. Throughout the dinner he continued to deny the affair.
I know, reader, you might be shocked at how calm I was but honestly I couldn’t even cry anymore at that point. I was exhausted and dejected. If I had been killed at that moment I would have welcomed it. The darkness and finality of death, to me at that time, was a welcome respite from the pain of being cheated on. I couldn’t believe my life and marriage were so broken. At that point living even saying that I lived for my children was not even worth it to me. I felt so alone. I felt so low. I felt like shit.
I asked him pointedly, “On the souls of our children… Are you cheating on me? Are you having an affair?”
Green look at me in the eyes and said, “No. No I am not.”
Thinking back on that New Years Eve and Day I can’t believe I have survived to this point. But I have. Our marriage has. And guess what our story GETS MUCH WORSE!!! before it gets better. But guess what we have survived and it has gotten better.
As you can imagine I am glad that 2012 and 2013 are OVER. I really need 2014 to be a good year.
Today Green told me he resolves to be, “Kind. More loving. More sensitive and less defensive to you” in 2014.
I hope so. And if he can’t be a better husband, the repentant, patient and whole husband that I need him to be then well I think I can say I tried. I tried very hard and I will divorce him.
Since then I have learned I am strong person. Foolish in forgiving? I don’t know yet. I have accepted that I have a lot more healing to do. I have accepted that I have a lot more strength to gain.
Tonight Green and I are heading out to party with some friends. Kiddos are my parent’s again. Green says he’s made dinner plans for us. We’ll see how they go. It’s probably best we get out of this house that is full of painful memories for me. I wish we could get back to place where we used to be. When having fun was so natural. That is didn’t feel strained or fake. Maybe in 2014.
2014 marks a dozen years of being together – Green and I. I hope the better part of those ten years can start to make up for the horrible two that we’ve survived.
I wish you reader nothing but joy, love and happiness and in 2014. Reader if you are dealing with the heartbreak of infidelity I want you to know you can survive. You might not survive with your marriage intact but YOU can survive. Stay strong and know that you are not alone.
Reader I wish you all the good things that the New Year offers. Happiness, peace, love and good fortune. I know its hard to focus on these opportunities but they do exist. We are not the sum of the actions taken against us but we revealed in how we react to these attacks. I am ashamed of how I have responded in some ways and I am proud of how I have risen above them in others. It’s a growing and learning path but I am no longer regretting the trajectory I am on. In 2014 I resolve to seize more opportunities and squash the attacks instead of letting them ‘get me down.’ I hope you will too.