No excuses

27 Sep

No excuses

I think I am almost actually there – at forgiveness. I don’t hate the man, my husband Green anymore.  I notice that when he comes home I am happy to see him and when he pull me close at night I don’t want to pull away.  I guess, well, I don’t think I ever hated him.  I certainly hated the behavior and the hurt most definitely.   I still feel deeply the pain when I remember that in he most clearly hated me. (He says he never hated me but hated himself… but I still find that hard to believe.) 

In my anger management session recently I told them I was working toward forgiveness of Green eventually.  That I had to forgive him because by living with anger and hate I was giving Green, Maria and their affair too much power over my life.  In turn, Olga, one of the session participants asked why I thought I hadn’t done that yet.  She meant, that in her opinion, that it looked to her like I had forgiven Green already by trying to remain positive about our future and saving our marriage.  Oddly enough I didn’t see it myself.    Enthusiastically most of the group acknowledged that they saw forgiveness where I didn’t.  Was it or is it that I am holding on to the anger so that I won’t feel weak by accepting that I have forgiven Green?  Do I find some kind of power in holding this ‘forgiveness’ prize over his head?

Forgiving Green was and is kind of easy. Flaws and all Green’s my husband, the father of my kids and my best friend. And truly I do love him. So I have no excuse to offer in my way of forgiving him except that I do love him and forgiving him comes easy. Does that make me weak, stupid or pathetic? Maybe to someone who doesn’t know what real love is. Or to someone who has never had to witness someone they love crack up when they thought the world was at an end so they chose self-destruction as a means to an end. I don’t know, all I know is that my marriage seems more at peace, sure there is anger at what he did… but I don’t know if I am angry at him anymore.

 

* And so that you don’t think I got some peace/love/ happiness lobotomy, to be clear, I do still hate Maria.   The bitch came in my house at my kids party, ate my food and fucked my husband on the following weekend! FUCK HER! I know I haven’t forgiven Maria and honestly I don’t care to ever forgive her.  Why? She hasn’t asked for it and I have no intention of ever having her in my life. Do I still blame her? Yes a bit but not for it all.  If and when she asks me for forgiveness then maybe she will get it. Every super hero has an arch enemy, she’s mine .  

4 Responses to “No excuses”

  1. zenpoppy September 27, 2013 at 3:57 pm #

    Like Gandhi said, forgiveness is the attribute of the strong!

  2. bombladoze September 28, 2013 at 4:24 am #

    im in a similar place eh. ive kinda been pondering on this all day and now ive come home a bit tipsy so im sorry but… things are just gonna fall out lol.

    and i might come back tomorrow and ask you to delete this comment teehee!

    *they say* that forgiveness doesnt mean you dont feel hurt anymore.
    but when you do still feel the hurt. alllll the time. or at random times, or when you least expect it… and most of all when youre trying your best not to! and when sometimes you have to look at him and it reminds you… it doesnt feel like having forgiven. hurt leads to fear which leads to anger and that doesnt feel like forgiveness blah blah blah.

    theres a tendency to think that forgiving takes away the pain… if i forgive, it wont hurt so bad… and it doesnt… but then it does again… its… well forgiving an affair is just fucking. complicated… ? but i think believing in it, even if you arent there, it gets you on your way there, i think thats the key, believing in forgiveness and keeping that with you, rather than the grrrrrrrr mother f&(#W&Er. ::P

    because its not just about *the main event*… there are a lot of little things, all the details about the affair maybe, all the little betrayals and lies within it… but also about the relationship before that. and then, then theres the aftermath… lots and lots of stupid little. triggers. yay.

    it takes some time to really sort it all out. but it doesnt mean you havent forgiven… it just means youre on the… err… train? i hate all that life is a journey, life is a process rubbish…

    unfortunately… whoever said that was right. it is a journey. everything is… unfortunately? id forgotten how much i hate that word lol. but. its true. might as well accept that too.

    and THEN! you get reminded of all the crap youve accepted (put the fuck up with) and it makes you mad all over again! awesome!

    and then you laugh, because if you dont you will cry and show me the woman in our situation who isnt just fed up with crying!

    *hugs!*

  3. bombladoze September 28, 2013 at 4:26 am #

    that actually came out half way decent! hurrahhhhhh

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