I have a very hard time dealing with the shame and humiliation of being cheated on. It’s overwhelming sometimes. I struggle daily with being viewed as weak, pathetic and as a doormat.
I also turn fucking 40 years old on Monday. I can’t fucking believe it. I don’t feel middle aged. I think I look pretty fucking good.
But what I can’t push out of my head is humiliation that I felt on the night that I threw Green out. That night that he raged like a caged animal and Green screamed at me, “I fucking can’t stand you. You’re ugly and old!” It was like the blast of a shot gun. Piercing, bold fire hot and then empty and ice cold. Green’s scary frozen and angry filled eyes. His rage at being discovered and me confronting him (and hiding his cell phone) was truly frightening. He finished off with more obscenities about how much better Maria-the-whore was in bed and on her knees (Who here is surprised that whores are good at blow jobs?!)
Green now says that he didn’t really mean it. That he said in anger. Green said he did it to hurt me. That he said it because he wanted me to hurt like he was hurting.
Well it worked.
He fucking hurt me beyond all expectations. Green wins the Gold Medal for being a fucking asshole.
Well I have to run off – between the kiddos I have lots of work today and I am have to be in the field to manage it. So pray for me ladies that I don’t go off screaming on any one of my know-it-all clients.
Today I count down towards the next half of my life. I am kind of glad to see it coming up and I am of course dreading it. I LOVED my early 30′s. The last few years (except for the birth of my daughters) kind of sucked. Maybe turning 40 will be a good thing.