Rising Above the Shame

20 Sep

anne lamott shameI have a very hard time dealing with the shame and humiliation of being cheated on.  It’s overwhelming sometimes.  I struggle daily with being viewed as weak, pathetic and as a doormat.

I also turn fucking 40 years old on Monday.  I can’t fucking believe it. I don’t feel middle aged.  I think I look pretty fucking good.

But what I can’t push out of my head is humiliation that I felt on the night that I threw Green out. That night that he raged like a caged animal and Green screamed at me, “I fucking can’t stand you. You’re ugly and old!”  It was like the blast of a shot gun.  Piercing, bold fire hot and then empty and ice cold.  Green’s scary frozen and angry filled eyes.  His rage at being discovered and me confronting him (and hiding his cell phone) was truly frightening.  He finished off with more obscenities about how much better Maria-the-whore was in bed and on her knees (Who here is surprised that whores are good at blow jobs?!)

Ugh.

Green now says that he didn’t really mean it.   That he said in anger.  Green said he did it to hurt me.   That he said it because he wanted me to hurt like he was hurting.

Well it worked.

He fucking hurt me beyond all expectations.  Green wins the Gold Medal for being a fucking asshole.

Breathe.

Well I have to run off – between the kiddos I have lots of work today and I am have to be in the field to manage it.  So pray for me ladies that I don’t go off screaming on any one of my know-it-all clients.

Today I count down towards the next half of my life.  I am kind of glad to see it coming up and I am of course dreading it.  I LOVED my early 30’s.  The last few years (except for the birth of my daughters) kind of sucked. Maybe turning 40 will be a good thing.

9 Responses to “Rising Above the Shame”

  1. Kay H September 20, 2013 at 10:23 am #

    I turn 40 in March. Not looking forward to it either but let’s embrace it! 40 is the new 30! 40 year old women are smoking hot. They are confident and know their value. And I hope you know your value. You made me laugh with “Green wins the gold medal for being a fucking asshole.”

    Happy birthday, be kind to yourself and treat yourself to a wonderful day!

    • Flaca September 23, 2013 at 11:49 am #

      thanks Kay! I’ve missed you… I need to catch up on your situation. I hope all is well!

  2. zenpoppy September 20, 2013 at 10:29 am #

    why should you feel ashamed? you haven’t done anything wrong. He’s the one who should be ashamed…asshole.

    • Flaca September 23, 2013 at 11:50 am #

      LOL… yeah, I know I should not feel ashamed. It’s just an emotion reaction. Green is he the asshole!

  3. learning2trustagain September 20, 2013 at 2:38 pm #

    I totally understand how you feel. I think a large part of society secretly thinks that there must be something wrong with the wife when her husband cheats – like she’s a royal bitch, or is cold and never puts out. I know that I used to wonder how bad a person’s marriage must be for one to stray…. and I sometimes feel humiliated that people must think these things about me. BUT, I know in my heart that none of that is true. I had a good marriage, and I was damn good wife, I’m 42 and smoking hot, and still he cheated. He cheated because there was something wrong in HIM. I know it, he knows it, and God knows it, and that’s good enough for me. Hang in there.

  4. Kate M. September 20, 2013 at 2:58 pm #

    Flaca, so glad you’re posting again. I’ve been following Shawn’s blog for several months now, and discovered you after she mentioned recently that you had been MIA for a while. I totally hear you on the shame thing. I’m 9 months out from D-Day #1, (f***ing trickle truth, grrrr) and have struggled a lot with feelings of humiliation. Not only is the psycho slut a decade younger than me, but my husband is younger too. I’m in my mid-40’s. You are NOT old. Neither am I, but this horrible experience sure makes me feel like it. I can’t imagine what I would have done to my husband if he had actually said that to me. No doubt I’d be somewhere with no computer access for the rest of my life. You are one hell of a woman– the fact that he’s still walking around and breathing proves that.

    Thank you for your blog. When I found Shawn it was like discovering a lifeline while I was drowning. I can already see that I’ll feel the same about you.

    • Flaca September 23, 2013 at 11:54 am #

      Oh hang in there Kate… I’m at nearly two years and sometimes the waves hit me hard too. I hope your husband is remorseful at least. If they can acknowledge it then its a great step forward.

      It is VERY HARD in those first months… it truly does get better after the first year. The truth trickling is the worst. Most days I function well, be friendly with my husband, loving mom to my kids and carry on. The triggers like important dates, holidays… mind movies… those are hard to deal with. I LOVE SHAWN. She is one of my inspirations to write in the first place. When I read her stuff…. I thought “if she can share that pain, that anger… with humor and honesty then perhaps I could finde a space to heal too.” Reading, commenting or writing… I think we all learn from each other.

      Thanks for the birthday wishes… I take it back. 40 is looking pretty good!

  5. tryinghard September 23, 2013 at 10:12 am #

    I’m sure intellectually you know that you should not feel ashamed, and yet we all do. We are embarrassed by our husband’s choices and living the life of Hillary Clinton, up for a life of ridicule. We overcompensate. We smile, we work hard, we keep our mouths shut, we look GREAT when we go out because God forbid we would give anyone a reason to say, “see look she looks like hell. That’s why he cheated on her”. In my case, everyone in town knows. Even people I don’t know personally, know. There are many places I can’t show my face. I did nothing wrong. I’m told people admire me. WTF!!

    I’m embarrassed because whenever I hear about infidelity in the news, ie General Petraeus, I am rooting that the wife will dump that bastard and take him for everything he worked for in life and reduce his life to rubble, and YET when I should do it I can talk the talk, but can’t walk the walk. I still might and that is a decision I make every fucking day of my life since DDay two years ago!!!

    Don’t be sad about turning 40. I loved my 30’s and 40’s. We get smarter, sexier, and better in so many ways. Next year I turn 60. I don’t look it or act it. I never will and that is the secret. Be happy you are 40. You’ve made it through the roughest parts of life.

    You do a great job on the blog. I understand the personal commitments take you away from it but you are helping people and I hope yourself too.

    • Flaca September 23, 2013 at 4:07 pm #

      Thanks @tryinghard! I agree – we are survivors and we are strong but I struggle with the cost. Yes, I’ve been told people admire me… they could never do it. Hah, I used to say the same thing. Until you live this fresh hell I don’t think anyone has the right answer to how to get through it.

      I had several setbacks over the summer.. a big one was the infidelity in the marriage of Huma Abedin & Anthony Weiner as issues of his sexting come out again while he ran for mayor of NYC. As someone who works in politics I feel so very close to her situation – I was and AM so angry at people attacking her for staying in the marriage, I was angry at his stupidity for hurting his family again and then I was furious at the OW for being such a terrible opportunistic fame whore. And now Ms. Abedin is facing a challenge to her carer for choosing to stay married? HIS sexting is causing HER to lose her career & livelihood?! WTF! Really?! That’s bullshit & pisses me off so much. That would never happen to a man.

      And yet we persevere. Thank you for your comments. You are a great help me too. Stay strong & best wishes.

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