Stuck in the Middle With You

18 Sep

past present future living

So I am not doing any of these stages very well… my waves of depression are moderate. I would say my waves of anger are the most present.  My anxiety is almost nil… I know my future only holds two options – my marriage or my divorce.  It’s not much to be anxious about.   Peace?  I honestly don’t think I’ll ever have peace until I’m dead.  Hah, and I’m not talking about my marriage.  Who has time for peace? I have soccer, ballet, work, marriage, vacations, my yoga, some dancing and wine drinking to worry about… Peace?  Forget about it.

Frankly at this point THE decision to stay married and to heal is solely with me.  Green does what he can to show his remorse and to be a better man. But he will not change… he will not be a better communicator. He will not be more open.  He cannot do those things.   I am not sticking up for him its the just the reality of Green’s nature. He is sweet, funny and sensitive.  But Green’s damaged and like his DNA some of it is innately unchangeable.   Like my inability to find my keys or sort my receipts those issues he has are just facets of his personality that will never change.   I know no one is perfect.  So should I just love the devil I know?

I have come to accept that Green is who he is and now  I have to decide whether that is acceptable to me.  So far I am dealing with it the best way I can but sometimes I feel like its not worth it.   Green says he won’t cheat again.  Green says he’s done with lying and being selfish.   He says the affair was just him acting out… a sort of an early mid-life crisis.   I really don’t know how much of that I believe.  I still don’t believe that he didn’t love her.  I still don’t believe that it wasn’t about me.  Many times I think he just ended it because of our daughters.  Or because its literally ‘cheaper to keep her.’  Are those just my insecurities?  Yes, perhaps… but that’s my present.. not depression, not anxiety… mostly just boring ass acceptance.   It is what it is.  Nothing gained but a hell of a lot was lost.

So while I know this… I am trying to wrap my mind around how the affair was about him being in control vs . the recovery is about my control.   Fair? Not really but again… it is what it is.

Where am I?

  • The affair is over.  
  • It started almost 2 years ago… it ended a year ago.
  • Maria the whore is gone somewhere probably fucking another married guy and hopefully covered with puss busting sores starting in her filthy vagina and mouth.
  • I have a repentant husband who is mostly contrite but sometimes frustrated and defensive about himself and his behavior.
  • I have two kiddos who worship the ground he walks on and for the most part see us as two loving parents.
  • I am still very angry. I’ll admit I am filled with RAGE.
  • I am still very humiliated.  That feeds my rage.  
  • I still love my stupid lying husband. That confuses me.  I am torn because I want to heal him and then I want to get rid of him. But I don’t want the whore to have him either. 

So no resolution today.  Maybe next week.  But I’m not depressed.  Just complacent I guess.

At one time, the song Stuck in the Middle with You was an inside joke between Green and I.  About the idiots we used to work with.   Funny how somehow now it means so much more.

Well, I don’t know why I came here tonight
I got the feeling that something ain’t right
I’m so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I’m wondering how I’ll get down those stairs

Clowns to left of me, jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you

Yes, I’m stuck in the middle with you,
And I’m wondering what it is I should do
It’s so hard to keep this smile from my face,
Losing control, and I’m all over the place

10 Responses to “Stuck in the Middle With You”

  1. bubsyd September 18, 2013 at 3:03 pm #

    I’m in the same boat – I hate the man I love / love the man I hate. How’d that happen?!

    • Flaca September 18, 2013 at 3:39 pm #

      Right?! I used to adore him. Those things that annoyed me were something I could overlook. Now they annoy me… I find myself thinking, “Great he’s a slob who wont pick up his socks AND he’s an unfaithful jerk! Oh but he does let me pick the restaurants and movies.”

      Stupid stupid cheaters.

  2. jolene September 18, 2013 at 5:43 pm #

    I don’t think he loved her. Nope… I started to examine the flings and tempoary infactuations my husband before he met and married me. These other woman are not second to us they are more the caliber of the flings before us they never claimed and never loved took serious or married.

  3. bombladoze September 19, 2013 at 3:41 am #

    i kind of wish i could have the anger back! getting rid of the anger = depression, the anger is kind of like gas in the tank… but its unpredictable and out of control :/ so i had to let it go…

    i dont hate him… i think hes a pathetic immature loser and i feel sorry for him… dont know which is worse to be honest… in love with the man i hate … or in love with a pathetic loser?

    if im honest, ive always thought he was a bit pathetic and immature, but there were positive things that balanced that out… and well, you kind of expect guys to be a bit childish… theres no balance now. its all just. you. are. such. a. dumbass.

    but when are you coming home?

    *SMH @ me*
    i also struggle with the fact that recovery is so dependent on me…

    glad to see you back tho!

  4. leaveitonthepage September 19, 2013 at 3:01 pm #

    Hey, it’s “Still loving him” here. You’ve been missed. I still read many of the betrayed’s blogs, just don’t comment as much. I retired my blog amidst much drama between myself, my husband and the ow’s husband. I started a new blog (kinda) but haven’t been writing. Anywho.. I can completely identify with this post. I feel stuck in the middle. I have a repentant husband, I still love or rather choose to love, as the feeling of love doesn’t really register any longer. He’s still doing the work to keep me. I feel like we’re just mulling along through life. I’m not happy but I also no longer walk around feeling devastated. I just am…whatever the heck that means.

    I’m glad your back and I can’t wait to read more.

    • Flaca September 23, 2013 at 4:23 pm #

      Courtney?! OMG I have missed you. I had some setbacks… life and I got off my meds. So glad to know you are still here. I am heading to your blog ASAP! thank you for posting gorgeous!

  5. zenpoppy September 20, 2013 at 10:27 am #

    nice to hear from you again. have you and your husband considered therapy? or marriage counseling? It honestly sounds like he would benefit from it.

    • Flaca September 23, 2013 at 4:24 pm #

      thanks sweetie, i have missed you too. yes we did therapy but then our insurance got switched because my work changed their human resources. not an ideal excuse but it is the truth. we do need to go back. he has also agree to anger management. he has a lot of issues with anger.

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