Whats your Poison?

23 May

“Stop all this weeping, swallow your pride
You will not die, it’s not poison,” Tombstone Blues, Bob Dylan

Pride.  Its one of the seven deadly sins.

I blame Green’s pride for his infidelity.   I believe, and Green has confirmed, that he was so hurt about what was going on in HIS career, HIS IMAGE and potentially with HIS contribution to our finances that HE sought out having an affair as a way to hurt ME.  His pride drove his hurtful actions.

Green wanted to blame his bad decisions on my pressuring him to provide high value items – but that’s not true – I never asked for a big house or a new car. I was happiest when we lived in a tiny apartment driving 10 year old beater cars.  For him however, to admit that it was not me but his own poor and impulsive choices that had nearly cost him his career was to hard to admit to himself.  Instead he wanted to blame me and he wanted to feel good.  He wanted to hurt me and he wanted a fresh start.  He falsely believed in destroying US he could recreate himself.  In looking at it I don’t think he did it consciously… like an addict he could not identify the pain he only wanted to numb it.  As part of that plan he needed to find someone who validated that sentiment for him.  Green found that equally damaged person in his whore, Maria.

Green and Maria are two people who were validated by seeing that someone is attracted to them.  By breaking rules.  By being selfish.  By seeking instant gratification and “feeling good” no matter what.   To Green and Maria the fact that I was person with feelings was not important.  What was important was having someone tell them they were good.  They needed to be valued.  Good looking.  Good company.  Good at sex.  Shallow to be sure but for Green and Maria those secret acts of infidelity built a vile intimacy between them that got them their next “pride” and “validation” fix and it was intoxicating powerful.   swallow pride

So in the rubble of that affair and my fractured marriage where does that leave me? What about my pride?

Well I’m the last seated at the tabled feast of sins and heartbreak looking a big ole pile of stinking poop on a platter.  A pu pu platter if you will.  (I decided to try to curb my cursing in this post…. I was gonna call it, ‘Eating Sh*&’ but decided that was kind of gross.)  The main dish at this feast is pride and that’s me having to eat it, by the big spoonful and finally swallow.  At least that is how I have felt.  I have struggled with this every day.  It feels like poison.  It’s bitter and sour.

I struggle with these feelings of low self worth.  How much of a fool I must look like to everyone – to Green, Maria, to my friends, my colleagues, my family and finally one day to my daughters?  I don’t think I’m crazy on this one… being cheated on is the epitome of humiliation.  Green and Maria tore me apart in an effort to legitimize their stolen moments and their cruelty to me.  More than that there are the ‘friends’ aka sniping back biters who label me as a “door mat” or “pathetic” or “weak” because I have chose to stay with a cheating husband.  Being labeled as weak when my independence has always been a source of pride to me is very difficult to live with.  I don’t say this because of my professional standing, I say this as a modern woman, more often in our society those who “stand by their man” are labeled as pathetic losers with no self esteem.

As a feminist, I sometimes feel even worse, my professional friends seem to think that as someone who has worked to advance human rights and certainly the rights of girls and women that I should not tolerate this in my marriage.  It was hard for me to reconcile the two sides.  I believe in my rights as a woman but why is this a feminist issue? It’s not.  At least not for me. Infidelity doesn’t only happen to women.  A woman had a part to play in it.  My husband did not to do this to me because of my gender.  If only these well meaning, strong, and passionate women could understand what I know – Green’s infidelity does not reflect on me.  

Finally I was read an article on Everyday Feminism, My Husband Had an Affair, the article is good and I encourage women to read it – you don’t have to be a feminist, I swear.  Points I took away that I really found helpful in dealing with my pride as a person, a woman, a mother and a wife:

I’m not like my parents.  I don’t think divorce is never an option. 

But, I’m not like my girlfriend either.  I don’t think divorce is the only option.

and

I thank feminism for making it legal for me to divorce.  That doesn’t mean that in order to thank my feminist foremothers I have to get a divorce.

and

As with my parenting philosophy, people can do bad things and not be bad people.

and

If my husband were an alcoholic, drug addict, or gambling addict, he wouldn’t be expected to recover and heal in a vacuum.  No one would look at me as weak for helping him overcome his mistakes.

Keeping the silence ensures that people will always think “it couldn’t happen to me” and never take the preemptive steps to affair-proof their marriage.

And, even when they are unavoidable, it perpetuates the idea that divorce is the only outcome unless you have a religious pressure forcing you to stay.

You have a 44% chance of your husband having an affair and 25% chance of your wife having an affair.  You only have a 23% chance of him and 20% of her dying from cancer.

(Hah! I almost copied the whole article.  It was that good.)

I don’t know if the anonymous author’s marriage survived but I thank her for writing it.  It makes it so much easier to accept, this bitter diet of pride, that I had been consuming.  Reading someone else’s feelings helps me feel resolute in my choice to try to work it out.  Perhaps its not the pride I have to consume but perhaps its time that I fed that pride in being the good person that I know I am.  Perhaps I should rebuild my self-esteem and be proud of the person I am becoming in spite of my husbands infidelity.  I should be proud of the compassionate person I know I have always been that makes me a GOOD WIFE, MOTHER, FRIEND AND DAUGHTER.   And if it doesn’t work who did I hurt? What was the cost?  More of my own pride?  Well that’s a cost I can afford because I am doing none of this out of revenge, martyrdom or ill placed validation.  I’d rather try than look back at my life, at Green, and know that I tried than quickly give up when others said I should have more “pride” and regret that I had not stuck it out.

27 Responses to “Whats your Poison?”

  1. Amanda May 23, 2013 at 1:34 pm #

    Hmmm. I should probably wait to comment when I have my MacBook not iPad. But patience is not one of my strengths. So…first, about your daughter seeing you as weak. I, too, struggle with this one. I Never want her to see me as weak. Or see this as “ok”. Am I sending her, and my boys, that message? I discovered, through I am sure, too much analyzing, that they can also see it as forgiveness and love. And that’s good, right?
    Your point about feminism; oh how I have been yearning to write about this. Again, Flaca, you have inspired a new post for me! Maria did (does) FAR more damage to women and feminism. YOU have done none. your Maria and my Trish, as well as the rest of “them” have taken women and feminism back to the caveman era by letting themselves be used for their “fun boxes”, solidifying yet again that “some” women are good for nothing more than that. We have done something brave and courageous by fighting through it, forgiving, and rebuilding, AND being unafraid to write about. staying quiet? Being “used” like garbage? That’s not feminism. And we were smart enough to marry men who, while “transgressed”, are good enough men to repent and repair. only a decent, respectable woman could land a man like that! In essence, we are the feminists! Score is:
    Whores: zero
    Betrayed fighters: 1,000,000

    • Flaca May 23, 2013 at 4:39 pm #

      Thanks Amanda for your comment. Love it!

      Yeah you’re right. Maria gives all women a bad name. IMO she gives Latina’s a bad name too. But I guess the world is full of whores… it doesn’t matter what country they hail from.

  2. IAmNotInLoveWithYou May 23, 2013 at 4:46 pm #

    I think you are brave and to be respected for your choice. I wish I had had a choice. My husband never said he was sorry, has shown me no remorse, and did not want to try to mend our marriage. For me, that was not even an option. I am so saddened by that fact. I think you are fortunate to have a husband who has feelings and the two of you are trying. Even if it doesn’t work out (which I truly hope it does), you will be able to say you tried. It is wonderful to be a woman who has choices and can make her own choices, that’s feminism.

    • Flaca May 23, 2013 at 7:47 pm #

      I am happy that we have the option to reconcile. I know its not common. The lack of choice in anything is very common in affairs I’m afraid. We didn’t ask to be hurt this way. We never had the option to address any issue that the cheater uses to legitimize the affair. The cheater and the AP do not allow the Betrayed Spouse any role or decision in the affair. We are left in the dark. I realize I am lucky to have the option to reconcile but I am also happy that I can choose to walk away. You are right. Feminism is about excising our freedoms to choose what WE want. I hope you are doing better.

      • Colin May 24, 2013 at 12:25 am #

        I believe in second chances, but I think Green has taken too many of those already. His actual second chance came and went when he earned that hickey on his neck and consciously decided to keep on with his plan. If he had changed direction and thrown himself on your mercy, rather than waiting a few years for the relationship on the side to play out, I’d say yay for a reconciliation. I think it’s possible to make a mistake with your environment and get too close to another woman accidentally, but second lives are on purpose.

        Maybe he is motivated by vanity, or something else, but I don’t think you should have to worry about that. It’s not about being weak IMO, but whether or not you can ever believe what he’s saying to you. What happens when his environment changes again and he’s put into close proximity with a woman who is youthful and feeds his vanity just the way he likes it?

      • jolene May 24, 2013 at 1:24 pm #

        Thats a chance we take, and if he leaves for a younger woman down the road he does. Then a divorse may be immediate. Anyone ever heard Rumor has it by Adele?

      • Flaca May 24, 2013 at 2:16 pm #

        Hi Colin, thanks for your comment, I appreciate your opinion.

        Yes, Green has had many chances you are right. Can I ask if you have ever been married to someone who has cheated? I am not asking to be snarky – I just am curious. It seems to me that lots of folks who haven’t seen the insanity of a person who is lost in the fog of affair really can’t appreciate how ill they seem. I use that analogy a lot explaining it people. I feel like Green had a breakdown, a crisis and was broken – he was very mentally ill. He didn’t just cheat on me. He lied to his friends. He abandoned them. He turned away from his small kids. I have never lived with addict but this was the closest I would say I have ever come. IMO cheaters lie, deceive, steal and do anything they can to get that next fix. His fix was his adulterous affair.

        As a point of clarification Green’s affair lasted 8 months not two years – started in late Oct. 2011 and ended June 2012. But yes the first time I caught him it was nearly two years ago. Frankly I am surprised I am this healthy at two years. Last year at this time I was a MESS. I don’t like to compare his affair to others but he was not a serial cheater and he did not use sex workers. I believe he fell in love. He says no but I believe he did. Or least he fell in love with the idea of being in love. I am NOT happy with it but I understand it. I too miss that initial bliss filled rush of love. It’s fleeting and temporary & both Green and Maria got a big rush out of it. I know why he looked for it.

        I know I am in for a long road to recovery. I know I will face criticism, that’s why I wrote this post, I admit its a long struggle to find trust again. Surprisingly the love never stopped. And we never stopped talking. I think that’s why our reconciliation is working. Is he forgiven? Nope. I’m not there yet. To his credit Green has turned a corner – he has taken full responsibility, shown remorse, given me full access to his email, phone, work calendar and he’s being the best father I have seen him be in years. As a husband he is more affectionate, attentive and patient.

        I know I am taking a risk but I feel committed to helping us both through this trauma and this healing. We might not make it out as husband and wife but I want us to be as healthy as possible as parents. I want my kids to understand that good people do bad things and they are still good people. That being said – there are no more second chances for Green. I have a post-nuptial – he does this again & he’s done and at least financially I am protected this time. I wont be played a fool again.

      • Colin May 26, 2013 at 12:02 am #

        I’m pretty sure I haven’t been married to a cheater. The closest I’ve gotten is that my wife’s first husband wasn’t too different from your Green; so thirdhand.

        I’m not trying to criticize your choices, or any of the girls here who are taking the same path as you. If you believe he’s not broken anymore then it’s probably worth trying to build a new life with him. No envy coming from this corner of the internet for that though.

        The case with Maria is him picking her instead of you thus defeating the whole point of marriage. If he couldn’t see you as his lover because of his love crazies, he should have at least been able to see you as his friend and tell you about it. Maybe I should ask you how you can overcome that specific problem, because I don’t see myself being able to if I was there. It’d be knowing that she isn’t going to choose me first even though I have been giving her that consideration. It’s not like I wouldn’t enjoy going out and sleeping with some cool girls I just met either, but supposedly there’s an exclusivity deal in this marriage here somewhere…

        I hope whatever happens to you guys that you’re able to get through without much more emotional hardship. Also that you’re able to be moderately content while sleeping all night (not like Paranormal Activity…) and without taking handfuls of pills that just might make your eyes bleed and your hair fall out.

      • tryinghard May 26, 2013 at 5:15 pm #

        Colin
        My point exactly. We are a sisterhood of women married to men who have lied, cheated and pretty much treated us like trash. Some of us try to stay in our marriages hoping the liar/cheater has seen the evils of his ways. Some of us don’t , we divorce. Sometimes divorce is not the lesser evil particularly if there are children and businesses involved. We learn to swallow our pride for “the greater good”. Not trying to sound like a martyr. You bring up a great point questioning how we reconcile ourselves to this emotional and personal betrayal. I don’t think one EVER does. You learn to live with it. Sometimes the beast isn’t in the room and sometimes it is. Sometimes it shows up at the worst damn time. Mine today was in the middle of making love. That really hasn’t happened very much since the truth came out but I wanted to run out of the room. It took major mind control and acting job to finish. I just keep reminding myself that I have a choice to be here or not. Today I am here but tomorrow is another day and another choice.

        Your question is so much to my point on the previous post. Since I have reconciled with my husband no one has said they are proud of me for giving him another chance. Not even my sons or family. I think one of my sons has lost all respect for me for doing it. Matter of fact I’ve heard more “I don’t think I could do what you are doing”. I can feel my friends bristle when i mention my husbands name. no one ever asks about him. a lot of our friends have distanced themselves from us as though this were contagious.

        We may congratulate ourselves here and support each other and reaffirm that we are not the ones to blame but that does not negate the fact that society doesn’t question our sanity for staying. There is a lot of ridicule and derision out there for our choices as well. I think we are only harming ourselves by trying to fool ourselves into believing this is not so.

        Congrats on not being married to a cheater. I didn’t think I was either. It was nice.

      • jolene May 27, 2013 at 7:38 am #

        When I shared with my doctor, friends, family I had been contacted by the other woman who expose the affair two years earlier, (as she faked her death), asked me what I was going to do. Are you getting divorse? I said no, was not gonna even kick him out. I explained why… Many shockingly surprised me by saying, “you are the strongest woman I have ever known”. I felt I was going against the social grain. I really did yet did not feel strong but one thing was clear, the stupid whore playing games with me was not going to steal my life from me. And she was due for a few lessons, as she claimed he had a price to pay for what he done. I thought yes he does but don’t think he is alone bitch.

      • Jolene May 27, 2013 at 11:04 pm #

        My d day was like a bad movie. She contacted via e-mail faking her death pretending to be an adult daughter. I knew it was her and I played her for three days in order to get her location and other important information I needed. I also played with her mind, as the damage she had done to me was overwhelming and undoable. She asked question like now that I was kicking my husband out where I thought he would go? I responded by telling her he would probably hook up with one of his local affair partners, {didn’t matter if she was dead or far away] Ha ha… he would pass her by for local girl now that he was free. I never had any intention of kicking him out at all. I was very angry with my spouse but was in a rage with her because of what she was trying to pull on me. I messed with her a lot during them three days, figuring wither she was in love/ obsessed with him, I was hurting her ego. I was in a rage yet had a overwhelming calm, that scared the hell out of my family… As I was not reacting by screaming or crying or whatever they thought a person would do in this situation, and it scared them.. Even my best friend that was with me as D-day unfolded, was waiting for me to go bat shit crazy on these two. I am proud that I kept my calm and used my brain. Of course I wanted revenge, but how to get it without sacrificing my self, or getting into trouble that would interfere with my future.

        I devised a plan that suited me two fold.. We would take off to Los Vegas and renew our wedding vows. Bought dynamite dress, made all arrangements online, down to dinner reservations, limos, and honeymoon suites. A romantic religious chapel. nothing cheesy.
        Goals
        1. renew broken vows, clean slate
        2. Since she claimed to love him, I thought if he married me again it would break her heart beyond that he had ended their affair.
        3. Put our marriage renewal announcement in her local paper and gave a special thanks for inspiring the vow renewal and amazing second honeymoon one could ever dream off.

        Yes it really was a wonderful experience I will never regret. I would recommend it. Yes, I did chew him a few times as things were raw, but only a few and focused on us. It was crazy yet romantic and fun. We ran away together.. Her plan backfired big-time…

        Once we were back I requested he take me to the hotel, where it had started. Surprisingly I was very comfortable there, I got a high as my spouse shook like a leaf, as he asked if we were really going book the same room. He was as nervous as a whore in church, to be there with ME!!!!. He agreed to go in, he calmed down pretty quick when he realized how calm I was about it. I gave him shit about the rooms view that had a view of a huge construction dirt pile that had weeds growing all over. Nice… real dive and $45. a night… We, cuddled, he shared more secret’s, fooled around, and took a shower together. I guess she had wanted to shower together, but he wasn’t interested. He said when he was there with her doors opened and closed all the time, and he was never relaxed. And he was now so relaxed. After about four hours we went up town had a meal and drinks, then I instructed him to send her a text saying I am in this town at the hotel in your old room in your bed. She responded “who the f*** is this. Then he text “with my wife”.. She went ape shit… I could tell she was having a hard time as this severely tested her undying love for my husband . Pure bliss for me..She went off like a teenager, mind you she’s 46. This also brought me a great deal of pleasure. And still does.

        I know they say contact is what the OW thrives off of and any contact, but I just don’t think that’s true. She now knew why she had that heart tattoo on her arm with the dagger through it.

        Also, my spouse made crystal clear a few years before I ever know the truth he was done and not interested and ended contact. Yet she persisted on. They say to the OW, all is fair in love and war… I am glad she feels this way, as her turn came.

        I do not, and highly doubt I will ever have regrets over the above. I do recommend that couples renew their vows. It helps me a lot… I figured she is sick and was already plotting my death, why not… burn her down, it may change her course.

  3. Kay H May 23, 2013 at 7:36 pm #

    I, too, feel like cheating is such a humiliation. But it should be a humiliation for the one who committed the act not the one who was cheated on. When I read your blog, you’re a rock star and your husband plays the role of villain.

    You’re not weak or a fool. I think it takes tremendous courage and you’re trying to figure things out. If someone doesn’t understand that, they don’t deserve a second thought.

    • Flaca May 24, 2013 at 1:40 pm #

      Thanks Kay. I hope you are feeling better!

  4. bubsyd May 24, 2013 at 12:23 pm #

    I think it’s human nature to try to blame others for our mistakes. Who wants to take blame for messing up their own life and those closest to them?! It’s easier. At the end of the day your husband had a choice, you didn’t, and I think your children (as I also hope) will see that and thank you for choosing him and them. I have the same worries that people will judge me and think I’m weak. But unless they’ve been there they can never fully understand anyway.

    I love the way you write. You’re so articulate and there’s humour behind the pain. It’s important to not take it all too seriously sometimes, if that’s possible:)

    • Flaca May 24, 2013 at 1:44 pm #

      Thanks. I love you and your husbands blogs too. We all have such similar stories but I think we all offer sometimes different yet great perspectives! I feel so lucky to find you and the other bloggers who can share our pain but still encourage one another to heal.

      I think because I blogged almost a year after everything started I have some perspective. I haven’t even finished telling the whole miserable story but it was so painful that I can only move forward. I was KILLING myself with pain that my kids and I did not deserve. It’s either laugh or cry and I really am trying to finish with the crying. Why give the whore any satisfaction that I’m hurt anyhow? I try to stay positive because I’m tired of feeling so low. I’m turning 40 soon, I refuse to live the last half of my life in misery because of the actions of a stupid whore and my foolish husband.

      These stupid cheating men (and women) don’t deserve us do they? ;)

  5. jolene May 24, 2013 at 12:25 pm #

    I feel that either way I swallow my pride stay or divorse. So I must choose which is the greater evil, and which is in my best interest. I know staying is personally my greater good. But I’m not liking the taste of shit pie. Just think for two years I made love to him not knowing. I figured I had ate shit pie for two years what’s the difference know… (affair was three months) the good news he washed himself after her I rember him scrubbing himself like a rape victim. However, he made love to me in the evening didn’t shower and she was on her knees for him. Wander how she liked eating pussy? The scent he brought to her was mine, maybe thats what she became so obsessed with and didnt know or care. Guess it didn’t bother..

    how he come home scrubing himself like a rape victim.

    • Flaca May 24, 2013 at 1:48 pm #

      I know the feeling. I will never understand how they could go from one person to another without any thought. When my husband broke it off with his whore it was the same way. I’m glad because the final touch between them was ME. Stupid whore. Probably pissed her off which is why she showed up like a psycho at my house to get him back. Hah, that didn’t work. These damaged women are trash who will never understand dignity or self worth. Try to free yourself of her. She doesn’t deserve your attention.

      • jolene May 24, 2013 at 2:22 pm #

        I just wish I could tell this stupid whore that while she thought she was getting her claws in him deep. He was feeling dirty and scrubbing himself red. In the hieght of what she thought was love making he was spending thousands planning a vacation for me to Mexico. How when he made love to me he whispered I was the best he ever had. How on Christmas while she sat alone wishing she could take my place, Santa brought me a snow cat and all attire plus gold jewelry. And she didn’t even get coal. How when we remodeled our kitchen he bought me all brand-new stainless appliances. How we went on dates and music concerts every weekend. How he dressed up for Halloween just to please me. He never paid for even the hotels they met at and never bought her a pop, yet she believe he made love to her and if not for me she would me his, he never invested any real time or money in her. Pisses me off she thinks she was special and her pussy was gold. Ya the kind of gold that turns green… just bugs me that she’s so dumb that she ever thought she was anything more than a major fuck up… I eat shit

  6. Jolene May 24, 2013 at 2:50 pm #

    Having a bad day today to many triggers. Cheating spouse got an attitude with me, told me I should be over it by now, which sent me into a how dare you tell me when I am going be over it, which triggered everything, as I was only sharing a memory that he had asked to take our family camper on the road with him, which he denied. In which I am aware of who would have been invited in. Had told him a few days ago before I saw this post, that staying with him means I swallow my pride. And its hard still some days…. As for the rest of my life I will remember how he so silently and methodically stabbed me in the back. Yet my best interest is overcoming it and being the stronger person, as god knows he is the feeble mind, between us. But I still get to be angry for awhile now and again. Plus letting him off after month five is to easy on him and pretending is also not in my best interest. So I tell him suck it up butter cup everyone knows you play you pay.

    • Flaca May 24, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

      Five months in? Yeah, he’s got a long way to go! Indeed I tell my husband you had all that time to be bad, I may need at least double that time to get back to us being good!

      Suck it it up buttercup?! I love that!

      If you’re only 5 months you still have a right to process that pain and anger. Hell I still have lot of anger myself. Just this weekend will trigger some anger for me I know… last year at this time my husband was still lying to me about his affair. Triggers are the worst. I try not to write about things that might trigger other people who are trying to heal. Feel free to share what you feel. You are not alone. I think when you post you are speaking for others who feel they cannot. Sending you hugs.

      • jolene May 24, 2013 at 4:29 pm #

        Thank you so much for your kind words and hugs, they are much needed, and I felt them. Not many people even know how to help me, as even people I know personally that are dealing with infidelity are not trying to work through it and are filing for divorse. Yet I have been told they wish they wouldn’t jumped so quick, no closure. Yet this pain really takes work to push down and some day I can’t. Thank you again for the hugs. He did buy me flowers today, but was to pissed off yet at that point to appreciate.

      • Sher May 30, 2013 at 10:49 am #

        at 5 months she still has a right to process her pain and anger. at what point is it no longer our right? I have 4 D-days, let me explain. I found out about ‘her” in Sept 2010. Then in Nov 2010 found out about earlier affairs my husband had while we were engaged years ago. My 3rd D-day was Nov 2011 when he finally had the balls to tell me that he did sleep with “his friend” who I discovered in Sept 2010 and just how far things went. Final D day was May 2012 when we brought his porn addiction to light.
        I still deal with triggers, with pain, with anger, with acceptance and peace and forgiveness. My husband and I are still together, trying to work through this.
        Mu husband played on a ball team with his OW while they were together (2009), and they stayed late past games to “make out” and talk.
        He is now back playing ball for first time since then (no she is not on his team) and I thought I would be ok with it. Thought it would be great for him to get back and play a sport he loves. a few games in, and I’m not dealing so well with it. Trigger alert! Yet he has no problem or guilt going back to where he spent many times alone with her. Times he would make out with her, BJ’s, drinking beer, talking with her. Sigh. I just needed to vent . Needed to share how I feel, like you wrote above.
        i’m glad we have each other

  7. tryinghard May 24, 2013 at 4:22 pm #

    Flaca
    What a great post. I read the article and it was inspiring. Unfortunately if my parents were alive they would have had the same reaction. What did I do to make my husband have a relationship with another woman. It’s a generational idea I guess. And as much as I know that my husbands affair had nothing to do with me and I keep getting this reaffirmed through readings I still know we live in a society where we are still judged this way. I lost 60 lbs and I know people are laughing and saying well hell if she’d done that before maybe he wouldn’t have had an affair. The problem with that thinking is the person he had an affair with was as big as me! Yes this is his problem to overcome but I am in the middle of it as his recovering wife. Don’t we all feel a little proud of elin woods who beat the crap out of tiger with his own 9 iron only to leave him and take his millions with her. Aren’t we all a little disgusted at Hillary Clinton for staying with that cheating husband of hers only to be ridiculed for staying for the “power”? Don’t we all want general petraeus’s wife to kick his sorry egomaniacal ass to curb given she did nothing but support his career and built her own career to accommodate him? Yes I would feel better if this strong intelligent woman tossed him out and moved on by herself. So as much as we want to say “his affair is not a reflection on me” down deep we know it is. I’m just sayin…. Now how do we live with it? I think I have lost a lot of respect in my sons eyes given I didn’t kick their fathers ass to the curb and taken him down financially and emotionally and they know not only could I, I would have. I’m here for now but who knows for the future. My options are open to staying or leaving.

    • jolene May 24, 2013 at 5:32 pm #

      Yes your right, that is what hurts as even though its the cheaters problem, it is still a reflection on us wives. Its the same as when you have lets say five kids, and four of them do well in school an behavior to the social norm, but the one sells drugs, steals from the community and refuses to finish school. Its a reflection on the parents, even though four out of five are great. People still judge. This is the true case of my life as kid number five is mystep son my husband gained custody of four years ago as he lived in a pathological environment. Custody of my dysfunctional step son is what triggered my husbands crisis. Yet as a woman and step mother I know feel judged that the kid is a mess, and viewed as a reflection of me, even though I was here well dad ran around with whore. My kids are fine and well adjusted. Yet feel judged again for my husbands failures.

  8. Comfortably Numb June 13, 2013 at 2:45 am #

    Oh my how i can relate to this. One of my friends (well I dont have that many these days to be fair) recently told me she thought me staying with him was a waste of time, I had asked if she could restrain from calling him ‘idiot boy’ and other not so nice names when referring to him and if she could just be civil when she visits (seeing as shes staying in his house and hes MY husband and Im HER friend…) but she said no, she wasnt willing to do that and consequently stopped visiting and talking to me altogether – her full reply is here http://comfortablynumb7.wordpress.com/2013/05/12/the-reply/ if youre interested.

    I cant get my head around friends like that…well the bottom line is that they are not friends really and thats sad. Its not like hes beating me/you…its not like hes not trying to make ammends, to change, to make us happy etc… if i heard any of my friends going through what you or I are going through I would be there for them…not cut them out entirely for not doing as I said. Friends…real friends… should be there for you, to support you…not to drive a wedge and make you feel bad about yourself – especially when – as i full know- you already feel bad enough without their input :/ xB

  9. chely5150 April 24, 2014 at 7:01 am #

    I realize this post and comments are from last year but I am just reading now. I am as well still with my husband who cheated (although “not really” according to him). I was curious how you can say that you haven’t forgiven him yet you’re together. Personally I have forgiven for past cheating that took place. Since we were/are staying together I did first and foremost for myself -that done I could try to focus on healing. But while forgiveness is given, TRUST has to be earned back (in my opinion). My spouse has earned a little back but still has a long way to go. Next year will be our 20th anniversary (assuming we get there). I had thought that if we were strong enough we would renew our vows to recommit to our vows to be with one another -ONLY and for the rest of our life. But I only want to do it IF I believe we will stay together. Not for sure at this point but don’t want the whole ceremony thing to happen and then end up getting divorced-to me that would be even more humiliating. If we get to that point, I think we should have a “new” date as an anniversary- I did look at calendar and could have the same day (28th) six months later in June. Only 8 months out, not sure where time will lead us, but I know I must stay until I’m certain this marriage has died. I can always file for divorce, anytime, that’s always an option. Once filed (you could stop it) but for me there would be no turning back. Don’t want to give up too soon without enough time to really see if his words match his actions. My blog has been an emotional life line in maintaining my sanity, as are the others who share their stories and give hope with words. Thanks!

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