I had many friends ask me why I didn’t seek out Maria to tell her off, confront her, let her know that she would not get away with this. Some wanted to find her and beat her to a pulp. One wanted to meet her mother and tell her that she should be ashamed of the home-wrecking-whore she raised for a daughter. That was tempting.
I am not gonna lie. I fantasized about it. I know where she lives, works, attends school, and who her friends are. Honestly, I really am just not interested in her. She is lame. Do I hate her? YES! Did I ever cyber stalk her? Yes. Only for a bit because it made me feel dumb. As I told one friend, “I don’t need to KNOW what she and Green are doing. They are fucking. I know they are so called ‘dating.’ He is married and they are having an affair. They aren’t reciting poems , they aren’t playing checkers or discussing national politics. If he’s not home with his wife then they are fucking. Why should I torture myself about trying to find out what they are doing every minute of everyday?” I choose NOT to address her because she already stole too much from me. I address humans not trash. Animals have more dignity than she does.
So I often refer to her as The Turd... she just lies there on the street and stinks. Waiting for another man to come by, step on her and then gets stuck with her stinky filth in their life.
Sometimes I get insecure and I ask Green to tell me mean things about her. Its stupid. I know. It’s immature. But reading the stupid texts and emails between them, many times disparaging me or professing their love for one another, hurt me deeply so this is my little exercise in revenge. I like to call it positive affirmations of me and realistic assessments of Maria-the-whore.
Last night I asked Green to play my little game of “positive affirmations” and they included the usual blah blah “I love you, please don’t leave me, I am nothing without you, you are the best thing that happened to me…” (Yeah right, so why did you cheat again?!) And then we got to the lets tell the truth about the whore part of the game, and Green said, “She’s a slut. I knew I could get her in bed easily. She paid for the hotels because I knew you would see the charges on the card! She’s a bad person who has a really messed up view of how to treat people.” I asked him what triggered that epiphany for him, he answered with “Well she was just really selfish. I noticed she did never did anything for anyone. She only took care of herself. She told me it was ok to be selfish and I realized that was wrong. I realized when she said messed up things about you that you were right. She didn’t know you but she just hated you anyway. She’s just mean and a bad person. She helped me feel ok about being a bad person. It felt good for awhile but then I realized it was wrong. Someone who loves you shouldn’t help you be a bad person. They should help you be a good person. “
I asked Green how he felt about her now. Its nearly one year to last time that I believe they spoke. He said, “I hate her. I hate that I ever met her, I hate that I was with her and I hate what that did to us. She’s an evil person.”
I don’t know if its true but it made me feel a little bit better. I might have been immature and dumb but I sometimes I just need to hear Green hate her as much I hate her. So I am a bit conflicted. I will never forgive her and she’s such a horrible person I know she will never ask for it. I don’t like that I feel bad about little revenge techniques because they didn’t care about abusing me during their affair. I don’t like to even spend on second thinking about her. Writing this blog is more attention that The Turd deserves. I don’t like hating anyone the way I HATE Maria-the-whore. Does that make me the evil one?