Broken

24 Apr

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I feel completely broken. What was a simple question about how Green felt when he was lying to me about the affair has blown up into a huge fight. An ugly fight in which I hurt myself. And I admit that I loved how it felt. Blood pouring and finally I felt that my pain was on FULL DISPLAY. Finally my pain had a face and it was self destruction!!! That’s what he wanted anyway, right?! To cheat on me and hurt me because he was hurt. In response to my self injury Green reacted in a way that was angry and insensitive. It wasn’t a test but it did reveal the cold distance of his true nature. He doesn’t love me. I fear Green will never be part of my healing process. He cares more about his pride and would rather allow those walls of pride that he has built up to protect himself to keep me out. I am stupid for trying to forgive. He doesn’t want my forgiveness nor does he want to give me peace. He wants to runaway and pretend I never existed.  I love a man who never loved me. He loved how I loved him and now that I doubt him he has to make me the enemy because admitting that he broke me would reflect on his own selfishness and cruelty. I have to be damaged.  I have to be eliminated. I have to be crazy so he can feel vindicated by breaking me. I can’t manage to write anymore because my pain is dull. I feel almost nothing because I have nothing left to feel.  I feel ashamed for being such a stupid stupid fool. All I want to do is to hurt myself again.

*forgive my typos I’m using my phone

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24 Responses to “Broken”

  1. pandaqueen1001 April 24, 2013 at 10:13 pm #

    I’m so sorry you are going through so much pain… it’s so palpable and raw. I can relate to this feeling, of being broken, all too well… and also how hard it is to get yourself together when you’re in this awful awful place. There aren’t really any words that can help this feeling, just catharsis and time… but you’re not alone. Sending good vibes and thoughts.

    • Flaca April 24, 2013 at 10:21 pm #

      Thanks, your very kind and it means a lot.

  2. Amanda April 25, 2013 at 12:26 am #

    I relate so much. But I will say from my experience, men do not know how to respond or react to the pain that they caused with the sensitivity and love you (we) are desperate for. It is always painful and more frustrating when they respond defensively and insensitively. Counseling can certainly help guide him through those times with selflessness and understanding. At least one hopes. I positively completely understand your despair and anguish.

    • Flaca April 25, 2013 at 12:50 am #

      Thank you, I realize I am the only one who can and needs to heal me. My husband had the opportunity to take care of me tonight and instead he belittled me. I need STOP worrying about him. I don’t have the energy to fix him and I’ve already given him too much of me.

  3. DawnRaeMiller April 25, 2013 at 5:07 am #

    You aren’t broken, your relationship is. I can’t judge Green because I don’t know him, but I will say my husband feels my pain almost more acutely than I do. My slide into mental instability is destroying him because he blames himself. Over and over, he tells me I am not crazy, that I had a ton of horrible things happen to me & my brain could only take so much.

    My point is, not all men shut off. Not all men try to blame you for the way you feel about the situation they created. Not all men refuse to accept the devastation of their actions.

    But Perhaps Green is afraid? Perhaps he is misdirecting his anger at himself toward you?

    • Flaca April 25, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

      Thank you. I do think that Green uses his inability to deal with his own feelings as an opportunity to make me feel bad because its easier. Is it fear? Self loathing? I don’t know. I do feel that by denying that my pain is real, and that I am in fact ‘unstable’, it easier for himself to accept what he did. He kept saying that he didn’t make me like this. Its unreal.

      Pride will be the death of this marriage. Mine is gone. Green has seen me in my most raw and vulnerable state yet he is still to afraid to accept his own part in this. I am realizing that there is not enough love in the world to MAKE him see what needs to change. He wants to continue counseling but for me its just a matter of time. He thinks I just need to bury it, put it away, basically pretend it never happened… move on to positive things. That’s just a band-aid. We’ll never get past this rotten festering wound without his owning how much of the hurt he caused.

      Thanks for your comment. I am debating on asking for medical help with this. Was it an isolated episode or is a deeper issue? Last year I was on meds for the depression/anxiety but I stopped taking them because I was worried on how out of it I might be parenting two small children on my own. I dont know. I am so tired.

      • DawnRaeMiller April 25, 2013 at 2:14 pm #

        Most ppl who self harm do so with no intent of killing themself. It’s an outlet for pain or stress.

        For me, my marriage is actually great, but I’m not. It’s as if someone flipped a switch in me & I can’t reign myself in alone any more. My rage and pain aren’t about the affair, so much as me not being in control myself. It’s not a sadness or depression. It’s a scary, dark place where I feel nothing.

      • Flaca April 25, 2013 at 2:18 pm #

        I think that’s where I am at too. I can’t describe it either. Perhaps I have been associating it with the rage of the affair when instead its the trigger of something else. Perhaps the trauma did activate something that I had effectively “controlled.” I told Green that last night… later when things cooled. I said its like everything is dull. Perhaps that’s it made me feel ALIVE. Like he finally saw me. Like ANYONE has finally SEEN me. I’m glad to hear your marriage is in a good place… you deserve it.

  4. zenpoppy April 25, 2013 at 5:14 am #

    I hope you’re feeling better. Please take care of yourself first. I hate to say it, but if he’s hindering your happiness rather than contributing to it… Then he’s not worth it and maybe you might be happier without him.

    • Flaca April 25, 2013 at 1:43 pm #

      Thanks I am a bit better today. Still not exactly proud of myself but not exactly ashamed. Its odd. I think picking myself over ‘saving’ my family is my down fall. In fact, the whole episode happened without my girls seeing or hearing anything… they were playing in their sun-room. I cleaned myself up in time to bathe them, read to to them, do homework with my oldest, and I even put them to bed. All the while Green sulked in another room. Me I just picked up my identity of SUPER MOM to cover up the pain. I know that really reveals that I would rather hide my pain in taking care of them (and him) and instead I need to chose to TAKE CARE OF ME. I am getting there. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

  5. Still Loving Him April 25, 2013 at 6:49 am #

    Oh Flaca, I’m so very sorry you are in so much pain. I know how bad it all hurts, like your insides are being ripped out and your own heart could crush you.

    On my very worst day several months after my first d-day I was going to sit in my garages with the door closed with the car running until I just faded away. I had it all planned out, it seemed logical, I’d left the folder with our wills in it on my desk, I was all ready to go. Then I started thinking about what it would do to my daughter, mom and sister if I left them in this way and how unfair it was. I’m thankful I had that moment of clarity. I was out of my mind insane that day. I’d spent hours laying on the cold kitchen tile screaming and crying, I drove my SUV so erratically I should have been in an accident. I told my husband what I was planning, he tried to talk me out of it and then said I’ll do it with you. It was complete fuckkng chaos.

    Thankfully I couldn’t do it. Self preservation is at the core of who I am. Plus I’d already had some good days so I knew they were possible. Like the day you spent in your yard and released the lady bugs. You will have more days like that. The bad days will happen too, but please remember you won’t always feel that way.

    Men are generally horrible at aiding us in pain that they caused. It sucks but it’s reality. My husband does okay until he feels like the marriage is threatened, which is absurd. That’s when he needs to bring it up a notch and do even better, but alas he’s a man and men fucking suck. They thrive on pride and ego. I recently asked my husband point blank if he needed his pride and ego with me, he paused for a moment and said, no I guess I don’t. It just takes them longer to figure it all out.

    Big cyber hug for you. Hang in there, this too shall pass.

    • Flaca April 25, 2013 at 1:57 pm #

      Thanks SLH! I have had all of those feelings too. I thought I had gotten past it. The really dark places this pain has taken me to is something I could have never imagined. Men do suck. My husbands sucks. He is still a child. And I already have two I gave birth to… I am not sure I can take care of this man/child anymore. I don’t think my husband will EVER understand my pain. It kills me that he would pick his ego and pride over US. But he did that already, when he cheated, so why am I surprised at all. His confidence used to be so attractive now I know he uses that pride and confidence to cover up a very damaged person.

      This morning Dot went out with me to garden and ATE her gardens first strawberry. She was SO HAPPY. At 2 years old watching her savor the tart and sweet flavor while being slightly confused that it came from a planter in her garden as opposed to the refrigerator made me so HAPPY to be alive and to BE PRESENT to witness it. Just a tiny moment but it made my day. When we were separated I told Green about that – how much his pride costs us. I said “you might have your whore and hot sex. But I have the kids and I am not missing out on these moments on when they are small and so very special. I get to have this time and you chose lust instead.” At that time he was quiet because he knew I was right. He chose destruction over the beauty of family. Does he feel ashamed about it? Perhaps and he SHOULD and he NEEDS to take ownership of it. If I saw that, ownership, transparency and vulnerability then perhaps I would feel better about us. I am so tired of “sucking it up” and “moving on.”

      With or without him I know I can make it, my kids remind me the good that I offer. Unfortunately Green reminds me that I am disposable. I with both parts of my family made me feel LOVED and valued. I think Green loves me, but not the way a husband should.

      Thanks again for stopping by with your support! It means a lot!

      • Still Loving Him April 25, 2013 at 4:27 pm #

        Those are the moments to hang on too.

        I know what you mean about the choices they made. My husband could have traveled less for work and been home with the kids and I. Instead he traveled more so he could fuck whores and party like he wasn’t married. I’ve decided it’s not for me to understand.
        Plus if I understood that means I’d know just how depraved he was.

        I don’t think you’ve ever said what brought you and Green back together after such a long seperation, or maybe I missed that post.

  6. amanda April 25, 2013 at 10:29 am #

    you are all making me cry. STOP IT. I don’t know how to “nest” comments, nor how to “nest” in general (my house is a mess!) but in response to DawnRaeMiller above, I agree. She said it much more eloquently then I did with– ‘But Perhaps Green is afraid? Perhaps he is misdirecting his anger at himself toward you?’ This is entirely possible. Often, when you are in a moment like you were, they feel helpless and guilty and shameful so instead of thinking about YOU they think about THEM. Their guilt gets in the way and it becomes about them. I speak from experience. There were times when “Ricky Bobby” got defensive, not often, but sometimes, when I was on my ENDLESS quest for reassurance and emotional safety, where he would react selfishly as opposed to selflessly. If Green reacts like this every time, this is not good. But if it is only on occasion, there is hope. If I could give you a real hug, I would. I don’t even know what country your’re in. I can’t keep up with all my fellow betrayed bloggers! Sad that their are so many! So web hug?

    • Flaca April 25, 2013 at 2:14 pm #

      thanks! I’m in the US… west Coast, Southern CA to be exact. I feel the love, thanks!!! :)

      I know that these men find it hard to be open when its easier to be defensive but its just so frustrating. At least thats the case with Green. What I saw as an opportunity for him to love and console me became instead an opportunity to him to protect himself and his ego, at my expense. And that’s what he did when he cheated. So what has he learned? And why am I still putting up with it? I don’t know. We’re hanging on… We’ll see. Thanks again.

      • amanda greenberg April 26, 2013 at 5:32 pm #

        I would love to tell you I lived in so cal for a long time, college and beyond, and I would love to tell you that I met my husband there, where he is from, “kardashian” city, but I can’t, because my identity was so kindly and sensitively outed in a salacious forum where I found myself fun fodder for some very bored, overly-confident, clearly intellectually superior people who put my website on their front page, assuming it had to be a “hoax”. And so telling of their unbridled insightfulness? I am the bad guy for putting up a website about the despicable behavior of a woman who nearly destroyed my family by purposely seeking out a married man, using threats to tell me in order to keep him around, and when he finally ended it, despite her threats to “make him pay”, he ended it. Lo-and-behold, email one of five came 6 days after d-day. Anyway, I currently live in nor cal, where I spent most of my years. But I cannot tell you any of what I have just told you, because the forums seem to find pleasure in exposing identities and casting judgment on people and stories that they have no business doing, because they have never been in the same shoes.
        I am enjoying FINALLY being able to read more of your blog.

  7. Qgirl April 25, 2013 at 3:54 pm #

    Dear Flaca,

    I am a new reader of your blog and as I read the story of Green’s affair my throat tightened, my heart jumped into the elevator shaft that goes straight to my stomach and my head started pounding. It’s amazing how visceral the reaction is reading someone else’s story of betrayal. I’m a little over a year from DDay, still with the cheater, and sometimes still want to part his hair with a tire iron. During this past year I, too, self-injured. It stunned me. I never imagined I would do anything like that but I found a razor blade and ended up in the emergency room with five stitches. When the doc asked what happened, I made up a great lie, like a good little girl. I wanted to tell him that my husband is a Douche Lord, hoping that would explain things. I also made the DL get rid of his car!

    I have figured out some really important things recently. It’s not easy to admit, but it is what it is, and I’m all about telling myself the truth. DL was never committed to me – not the way I was committed to him. I thought in “we” and he thought in “me”. When I said “I do” he said “We’ll See”. I think Green and DL were separated from birth. DL’s mother was a piece of work, and really, the root of most of his problems. There is a book you should read. It’s called “Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of Our Age” by George K. Simon PhD. It’s an amazing read and will give you huge insight.

    I feel you pain. You keep longing for him to be culpable, to salve your wounds, to FIX this and you. And when you reach out, you keep grabbing smoke. The good news is, after a million fights, standoffs, slamming doors, and squealing tires, DL is finally getting it. Slowly but surely. I’m hoping you get some relief and know that I, and all these other brave, strong women here are pulling for you.

    • Flaca April 26, 2013 at 12:32 pm #

      Douche lord!! I love it! Thanks for the book recommendation!

  8. aloneagain3 April 25, 2013 at 7:07 pm #

    I feel this way too. My husband is the same in reacting. The only way I know he feels bad about his affair is that he turns it on himself. He does not show remorse for anything. He just says he is a failure. His life is over. He will never be happy again etc etc etc. he does not care or try to help me in my
    pain and depression. He shuts me out and turns me off. Which is super easy for him to do because he is five hours away.
    There is much brokenness every where.
    Infidelity Is at the top of the list in causing brokenness.

  9. Debbie September 5, 2014 at 6:58 pm #

    Thanks for this blog. Green seams like he has taken responsibly much more than my husband has all he said is that it means nothing. The only reason he gives me is he wanted to get out and play around some before he couldn’t do it again. He just wanted to f*** whores while he still could. I had no idea he was cheating on me. Yes we were having some ED problems but we were having regular sex. I had no clue that he was having mental problems over it. I thought everything was fine. He didn’t go off on me till he almost got arrested. Now I’ve been having to walk on egg shells around him. Just my luck he was tested first and his swab came ok three weeks later mine came back and I had Chlamydia. He had unprotected sex with 6 prostitutes. One 2 times the total of 7 times. On Tuesday we have to go so he can have a big blood test for all the big killers. The first test he and I had was to early. We’ve has our share of problems but none like this. I’m 61 and he’s 68 and we’ve been married for 38 almost 39 years and all I can say is this summer has been hell. Thank God our kids are grown and live in another state. I have learned so much from readings all your blogs. Thank you ladies.

    • Flaca October 15, 2014 at 2:57 pm #

      I am so sorry to hear this! I hope your tests are ok & that you’ve recovered – from the physical, at least? I am sorry for the late response. My husband, Green, struggles but he seems to regret it and want to fix himself. I say himself because I am not at all at fault and NEITHER ARE YOU for the bad choices these men made. I hope you are doing well & I send you big hugs. Thanks for your comment & I hope to hear from you again.

  10. debbiesh1953@gmail.com September 5, 2014 at 7:29 pm #

    Mine said it meant nothing and that he didn’t even like it. I got nothing from him he’s worried about his self. It’s a good thing all of us women knows what pain is or we would have no support at home. I don’t think cheating men can fill much for others only there selves. I even fill sorry for those poor whores that is having to f*** those old men for drugs. They are from broken homes and broken lives and these men had everything going for them.

    • Flaca October 15, 2014 at 3:03 pm #

      Indeed. I do agree… I know many men lack empathy. Mine did and occasionally still does. He’s getting better.. but you’re right these cheating spouses just don’t understand. Green admitted that to me once – that he could never identify with the pain its caused me or our family. Sadly thats the blessing of being the clueless cheater (and affair partner) – they don’t have enough sense to care about anyone else until it’s much too late.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. See Me Adjust My Sails | Kissing A Fool - May 10, 2013

    […] other night when I hurt myself I thought perhaps that Green FINALLY saw me. He says he knows I was hurting. But I don’t know […]

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