Accepting Anger & Moving Forward

19 Apr

moving forwardSo Green and I survived our first round of marriage counseling yesterday. It was better than I thought. We were both clearly nervous. Our counselor, Doug, is the same person who does my IC. He’s great. I don’t agree with everything he says but that’s ok with me, for now. I don’t expect someone to sugar coat things and to tell me things I want to hear. Sometimes I need a push… sometimes I need a hard push to hear the things I don’t want to hear. Green was the first one to suggest we make this a regular thing and he stepped up to clear his calendar for the next session. It was sad how much that gesture meant to me but it did, it really meant a lot.

This weekend wont be easy. Last year at this time Green was still very much lying to me about his feelings and his activities with the whore. At this time last year I thought he had stopped the affair and was ‘trying to figure things out’ without the whore in the picture. He was not. In fact, Green would lie to me and tell me he was a ‘self improvement’ retreat when instead he and Maria-the-whore were on their fornication-vacation. He actually had the nerve to call me repeatedly during this ‘retreat’ to tell me about the progress he was making. Freaking psycho. Does it piss me off? Yes. Very much so. I do give him credit for FINALLY telling me the truth. However it did take him almost a year to do so. So there is that anger I am still working through – 1) the deliberate deceitful actions of lying and misleading me and 2) the truth trickling. Never mind the money he spent that he should have been giving to me for child support. As I write this I can already feel my chest tightening, my pulse begin to rise and my heart literally begin to ache. I am getting angry. The tears I will push down. I refuse to get cry over this trigger because this deserves my anger and I WANT to feel it. I will let it wash over me now but I won’t scream at him about it when he gets home tonight. In the same way I let my two-year old rage when she has a temper tantrum I want to feel this rage, temper it and control it. I cannot let this rage consume me anymore. I want to learn how to harness it.

This weekend is going to be beautiful. The kids will be at their grandparents. I want to enjoy a bit of it. It’ll be Earth Day perhaps I can plant something meaningful. I deserve to bitter ladyenjoy it.

I can say that the last 36 hours since before/during/after counseling that Green is demonstrating that HE WANTS our marriage to work. I wish he would just talk more but that seems too hard for him, at least right now. I think Green doesn’t feel comfortable telling me what he truly feels for fear that I will use it against him. I wish I didn’t do that but its hard not to snipe or make crass comments to hurt him when I still feel so much pain myself. I know that is not healthy. I know that it is not productive. So I will work with him to establish that trust between the both of us again. Green might use me – take advantage of my kindness. Green might be deceiving me again, that I can never be 100% certain of again, but I have to learn to be vulnerable again otherwise I risk becoming the bitter lonely old lady that I don’t want to become. So I am ok with the anger so long as it doesn’t lead to bitterness because that is something I will NOT give to Green and his whore. They have stolen too much from me – safety, self esteem and peace – but I will not let them change me into a bitter person.

bitterness is like cancer it eats upon the host but anger is like fire it burns all clean copy

11 Responses to “Accepting Anger & Moving Forward”

  1. aloneagain3 April 19, 2013 at 7:07 pm #

    Bit doesn’t anger lead to bitterness?

    • Flaca April 19, 2013 at 7:14 pm #

      I don’t think bitterness HAS to be a result of anger. I hope not. I think bitterness comes from dwelling on the anger and pain instead of risking to be vulnerable and trusting again. I think bitterness is a defense mechanism to keep themselves from being hurt. I don’t want to live the next half of my life without risks because I’m too afraid to be hurt again.

      • aloneagain3 April 19, 2013 at 7:22 pm #

        I understand that. Becoming irreversibly bitter is a fear of mine. I have a bitter sister-in-law. She sucks
        Love to me has always been worth the risk of pain. I never expected to experience this level of pain though. I guess a plus is I personally don’t think I will let bitterness overtake me. I’m too nice for that.

      • Flaca April 19, 2013 at 11:17 pm #

        You are! Being nice is not weak. We are very worthwhile and much too valuable to let bitterness into our lives!

  2. Samantha Baker April 20, 2013 at 5:37 am #

    Anger is usually an emotion that stems from something else. Like fear. And no, it does not have to lead to bitterness. Not at all. You do need to get it out, but hopefully in a healthier manner. (like not setting his clothes on fire in the driveway like I did).

    Anyway, I think this is a great step in progress. I understand how hurtful it is to have a false recovery. For a year I went through that myself. He was lying to me, our therapist, and continuing on with his behavior. It’s especially hurtful because I was trying to help and support him through his fear of his assessment with the psychologist for his diagnosis and he was fucking around with AP#4. Yet *I* was the one who was THERE for him. It’s so very hard knowing he used me so much.

    Anyway…Mine has been very hard to communicate with in the past, but it’s gotten much much better the longer we’ve been in therapy. He’s been able to open up much more. Communication has come so far with us.

    • Flaca April 22, 2013 at 11:12 am #

      thank you for your perspective. i do struggle with the fact that i was used and lied to so much. i am hopeful that the counseling will help. i am not sure i can keep up… i so tired. this depression comes over me in waves and i cannot seem to pick my head up to breathe. thanks again.

  3. shawnthewife April 20, 2013 at 3:51 pm #

    Anger and I are the best of friends. As Samantha pointed out, I’m fairly certain Fear introduced us. I hate Vulnerable. She sucks as much as Bitterness. So, when Vulnerable shows up and brings along Fear…I find Anger and she helps me through it all!
    UGH! I need some new friends!! LOL!
    Hang in there, Flaca. It sounds like you’re doing all the right stuff. Let me introduce you to a fairly new friend of mine…Her name is Patience. I haven’t known her long, but I’m told she is lovely. ;-)
    Hope & Hugs, Shawn

    • Flaca April 22, 2013 at 11:14 am #

      lol, yeah i need new friends too! those skanks fear, vulnerable and bitterness are as annoying as the whore who brought them! anger helps to keep them in check for sure. i hope to meet ms. patience soon! thanks for the support…

  4. Still Loving Him April 20, 2013 at 8:54 pm #

    A friend of mine told me this quote, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” – Buddha

    From time to time I can apply it, I even like it, but most of the time I feel so much anger that I actually wish death upon those who caused me so much pain. I have moments where I am absolutely consumed by anger. I agree with you, you have every right to own your anger, you have a lot to be angry about. Hopefully it won’t consume you, you can give it’s place and then let it go.

    There are no words for the unfairness of infidelity. None. Tonight my husband and I went and saw the movie Oblivion. Not 5 min into one of the main characters is talking to a woman named Sally, that’s the name of my husbands 6 year affair. They must have repeated the name 10 times through the movie, my husband could tell that I was freaking out, he started crying in the movie and saying he was sorry over and over. I was so angry I wanted to scream. Hearing her name makes me crazy. I hate her, I will keep my anger towards that whore for as long as I live.

    • shawnthewife April 21, 2013 at 10:09 am #

      I thought I’d hate the OW forever, too. You read my blog, you know how many awful things I did to the bitch-whore. I loathed her with every fiber of my being.
      And, then…I didn’t. I woke up. I started my blog. I dumped my pain into cyberspace and I was able to let it go. The wonderfully wise people on the Healing Heart Support forum deserve much of the credit for helping me purge the venom.
      Once I understood that holding on to ANY emotion about her gave her power…I thought..Screw that! Not a chance in hell will I let her take anything else from me! I dumped the anger I felt for her, the hate, the visceral rage and I began to heal. Yeah…some of the animosity creeps back in once in a while, but truly, I can tell you…I don’t give a fuzzy rat’s ass about her at all anymore. She can be happy. She can be dead. I just don’t give a shit.
      Deep breath…exhale….and let her go.
      It feels so good. It feels like winning.
      BTW…I wanna add you to my blog roll. Is that OK?
      Hope & Hugs.

    • Flaca April 22, 2013 at 11:16 am #

      ugh i’m sorry about the movie trigger. i dont think my husband understands my anger. i think it scares him. well it should, right?! but in it he sees that i am giving into the pain… well, i don’t, i see it as a process and actually it is lessened over these days, months… seasons. i won’t hold onto anger to long but right now i like her better than the other emotions!

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